There are times when I stumble across a blogger – usually a psychotherapist who blogs – whose words just speak to me and whose turn of a phrase resonates so deeply that it takes my breath away. That’s how it was when I dropped in to the blog Labyrinth Healing to check out Ann Stonebraker.
Ann is a gal who frequently stops by to comment and join in the discussions here at Private Practice from the Inside Out. And, on a hunch (without knowing much about her at all) I invited her to guest post here . . . just because she writes from the heart. I had no idea what she would write about but I knew it would be relevant to you . . . and to me. And, as the Buddhist saying goes . . . “When the student is ready . . . the teacher appears.” For those who are ready . . . here is your next step.
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A Guest Post by Ann Stonebraker
Are you having a green day?
You know the kind I mean. I’m talking about the one where you get online to do a quick email check before work and find yourself inundated with news of other people’s brilliant personal and professional plans.
A quick trip to Twitter yields news of approximately eighty different and fascinating projects from close colleagues, distant peers, and your great Aunt Jane. (She may be more into knitting than psychotherapy, but at least she’s getting something done. Even if it is a chartreuse afghan.)
Facebook is brimming with everyone else’s happiness—vacation plans, weddings, home purchases, promotions. People seem expansive, hopeful, and busy with exciting plans. As you read, you feel more and more diminished.
“A vacation. That might be nice,” you think to yourself. “But I don’t have the time / money / opportunity to have a vacation. There’s too much to get done still.”
Feeling discouraged, you take a break from working online and look at today’s to-do list. It looks about as appetizing as last week’s leftovers.
In the pit of your stomach, you feel the stirrings of an anxious and unwelcome feeling.
Green days. Jealous days. It’s when nothing wants to get done and you feel uninspired or discouraged in your efforts.
You worry about all the people who did it better and got there first.
It’s incredibly demoralizing. I should know! I’ve had my fair share of green days in my first year of private practice.
Green Grows
What’s to be done with such a tricky feeling? It’s like an unwelcome house guest, arriving unexpectedly and refusing to leave.
Fortunately, there is a neat and tidy remedy for all of this. And it might seem a bit counter-intuitive, I know, since there’s been so much great press lately about gratitude lists and blogs. There’s even a community gratitude journal here at Private Practice from the Inside Out that you can use to stay motivated and grateful as you grow your practice.
So, in the face of jealousy, you may try to be disciplined and thoughtful, remembering all that you have to be grateful for!
Gratitude is a wonderful practice. But if you hurry your jealousy off too quickly, you may miss what it has to say.
So, rather than ushering your jealousy off the stage, give it the spotlight for a moment. It’s not being greedy, or mean, or rude. In fact, it’s got something pretty important to tell you.
Your Jealousy Map
I wish I could say this idea was originally mine (hi, jealousy!), but it wasn’t.
The notion of a jealousy map comes first from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. If you Google it, you’ll find people have adapted this concept in all kinds of useful ways. I especially like blogger Helen Jane’s WHO? / WHY? / NOW WHAT? approach. It goes like this.
When you realize you’re having a green day, take a few minutes to notice WHO? you’re feeling jealous of, WHY? you’re feeling jealous of them, and then jot down the first NOW WHAT? you can think of.
So, here’s one of mine:
WHO? Tamara Suttle
WHY? Her blog has an amazing following and I see her name everywhere
NOW WHAT? She asked me to consider writing a guest post for her blog. I haven’t yet. I should. It will help me to build my relationship with her, gain some exposure with her readers, and challenge me to write a post I feel really good sharing.
(Whoa. How’s that for transparency?)
If you’re reading this, I’d say my jealousy map took me in a pretty good direction.
Now What?
Building a practice is not for the faint of heart. It brings up all kinds of big feelings in large quantities and asks you to stretch, bend, and sometimes stagger outside of your comfort zone.
The next time you’re having a green day, take heart and know there’s a message for you in there somewhere, if you take the time to look for it.
Meanwhile, big thank yous to Helen Jane for introducing me to the jealousy map and to Tamara for giving me a community and a blog I can both not-so-secretly covet and learn from.
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About the Author: Ann Stonebraker is a counselor in Austin, Texas who helps folks quit people-pleasing. She writes weekly for her own practice blog at Labyrinth Healing, as well as at her latest project, counselinginterns.com, a resource site for counseling students and interns.
WHO? This guest post features two people I often envy for their general ability to seem like they have it all together. WHY? Tamara’s website is so well put together, she seems to have an endless well of ideas for blog topics (all genius) and she is really good at following up on other people’s comments – something I constantly struggle with, being easily distractable. Ann also has a brilliant website and fabulous way of writing, but also works in the same area I do, working with interns…and sometimes I’m afraid she can do it better than I can!
So, now what? I am reminding myself that both Tamara and Ann have been an incredible support to me professionally and personally. I also learn a lot from them both. I think the most important thing that I am realizing, though, is that their success does not mean I have failed. Perhaps for something people – most certainly for me – jealousy isn’t about me being angry that someone else has something, or wanting someone else to diminish, but instead is about being afraid that when I stack up next to someone else, that I will come up short in comparison. It’s the fear of not being “as good as.”
So what’s the message in that? Maybe it’s a little cheesy, but I think the message is about being your OWN best self. I can’t be Tamara, and I can’t be Ann. They’re already doing an amazing job at that! But no one else can be me, either, and that’s pretty cool, too! Each of us has our own unique purpose, and no one else can live your purpose for you!
Oh, Stephanie! That’s so kind of you to say AND you are exactly right . . . . I believe that if each of us is being exactly who we are meant to be (rather than hiding or minimizing all that we are . . . and rather than minimizing or denying who our colleagues are), then we will each be fulfilling our own unique purposes and, paraphrasing what you said . . . there’s only one of each of us . . . and only one you! If you aren’t fulfilling that purpose, there’s a huge gap left in the services that are provided!
Thanks for following me and blessings to you on your journey!
Hi Stephanie! Gosh, I’m so glad you chimed in on this post. And thank you for your sweet words—very kind of you. They mean a great deal.
I’m thinking of your last post on being successful in your own blog and how inspiring it was to me. You’re right: we can only be ourselves. Better to be a first rate version of ourselves, with our own vision and dream, rather than a second-rate version of someone else.
One thing I often struggle with is the notion that people “got there first” and did things before I had a chance to try them for myself. If I’m not careful, my jealousy shifts into hopelessness and I think, “Well, what’s the point of starting at all?!” I think that’s just my fear talking.
It’s like that saying “there’s nothing new under the sun” – even if you believe this to be true, there are still many different ways to speak to the same thing. There are probably thousands upon thousands of paintings of the sun, for example—yet we didn’t stop at just one and say, “Ok, I think we have it about covered now. It’s yellow. It’s round. Next!!”
I remind myself of this often when I set out to add my voice to the conversation. Mine is just another facet, no less worthy for arriving whenever it does. And the same is true of yours!
After all, it isn’t a conversation if it’s just one person doing it “perfectly” and all by themselves!—and I’m so glad your voice is a part of the conversation. I’ve drawn much inspiration from your website and your presence. And you’re right, we do work with similar folks. I wonder if there’s an opportunity for collaboration in there somewhere?
Ann, thank you for continuing to follow this conversation that you have begun. It’s such a common place for each of us to slip into and your wisdom helps each of us reorient to the reality of . . . each of us having a place in this field. I love your analogy of the paintings of the sun. (If you are attending a workshop of mine, folks, don’t be surprised to hear this one again – with credit to Ann, of course!)
And, thank you, too, Ann, for extending the conversation to collaboration. That really is how average practices become vibrant practices – be reaching out and creating spaces for colleagues and clients alike to learn and be inspired.
The Artist’s Way is what led me on my journey of personal healing back in 2006. I was introduced to the book by a healing friend and my entire life changed. In a few short months with her help, the book’s help and my own inner work, out of the wheelchair I came and a new life began.
In 2008 I began coursework for my masters in mental health counseling. I graduated in 2010 and began my own practice. As I had always wanted my doctoral degree, I journeyed on and am more than 1/2 way through. Plans are for course work to be finished at this time next year and then a year of dissertation. All of this being done at the wonderful age of 55.
I have learned that every emotion is a gift. Taking the time to notice them, appreciate them and understand their is meaning there is an act of gratitude. To be alive to feel all of those emotions is a gift. Thank you for you words today. So much truth and many little gifts.
Delphine! Welcome to Private Practice from the Inside Out and thank you for sharing part of your journey with us! I so appreciate your ability to move forward with gratitude rather than with envy!
Please do come back to visit and share your thoughts often! There is room here for everyone and, I believe that there is room in Florida for as many therapists as there are people. Your unique journey brings its own set of gifts to your community.
Hi Delphine! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing a bit about your own journey. I’m humbled by your message—the notion that all feelings are gifts, not just feelings of jealousy, is an enlightened way of looking at things. Jealousy in particular can be such a taboo topic, so I hoped to air the topic out with others.
Congratulations to you on earning your master’s degree and being en route to your Ph.D—a tremendous accomplishment! As a fellow therapist in private practice, I look forward to hearing your voice more in conversations here at PPIO.
I love these gentle reminders. Yes, I have felt this way too at times. I will sit with it, take a breath and then redirect my thoughts to remind me that I am actively co-creating my life. It brings me back to my purpose, goals and why I am doing what I am doing. This helps me realign myself and begin again. Anything worth while takes effort and the ability to ride both the awe inspiring waves and those that crash.
Cherie
Hi, Cherie! It’s good to have your voice back here again! I love the metaphor you just used about waves of inspiration and “those that crash!” That’s a perfect way to describe the ebbs and flows of the business of private practice. It can feel sometimes like feasts and famines but the “ebbs and flows” really more accurately captures the bounty that is always there – simply waiting to be tapped into.
Wishing you a bountiful year and a quick reminder that I you forget from time to time that there are cycles to this business, I will be happy to remind you!
Hi Cherie—thanks for sharing your thoughts! I agree with Tamara—love your metaphor about the waves. It is a gentle and forgiving way of looking at the natural process of growth and progress. It sounds a lot like your own approach to feelings that emerge around your practice—mindful and gentle and grounded.
WOW! Thank you for writing and posting this! I’ve been having a green month, so this was amazing to read. I’d forgotten about the “what does this emotion have to tell you?” perspective of analyzing things, so I appreciate the reminder. You’ve given me much to think about!! Thank you!
Hi, Stephanie! Welcome back and thank you for being so honest. I, too, have struggled at times with practice envy and the green-eyed monster. I took some classes under Pia Mellody back in the 1980’s where I learned to look at my feelings as always being about me and my history. Once I remember that, I have found that the green-eyed monster rapids disappears! It’s another way of asking “What does this emotion have to tell me?”
It’s always good to have your voice here, Stephanie! I hope you’ll drop back in again real soon!
Hi Stephanie! Oh, a green month! I’ve had those, too. I’m sorry—I know how challenging those can be. I think a lot of times our green days show us just how much we care about something. I mean, if you’re not invested in an outcome, you’re not likely to feel jealous, right? So maybe some of those green days are just showing the shape of your own awesome dreams.
Hi Ann! Wow…talk about hitting the nail on the head! I am just beginning to hone in on my private practice (yesterday was my last day at my agency job) and have had my share of run-ins with the green-eyed monster (and yes…Tamara…I’ve been jealous of you too! Inspired more than jealous, but yes…I admit it). The other day I got asked to be on the radio show of a psychotherapist in another state (in December). I’m going to do it, of course…but I found myself looking at her career and wanting to be more like her than like me. She seems confident. She’s a psychotherapist…a radio show host…a blogger! I tried to picture myself as a radio show host. I just can’t picture it. I’m not sure I would even want to be a radio show host. That’s not where my giftings lie. Maybe that’s what I learned from the green-eyed monster. Putting my imagination to work in the areas I am gifted in is a way I can succeed in helping others in this world. Striving to be someone else will never get me on that road. Thanks Ann…and thanks Tamara. I am grateful to be a part of this community!
Hi, Linda, and welcome back! I so appreciate you taking the time to let me and Ann know that her words speak to you. If there is anything I can do . . . to help you reframe that green-eyed energy you stumble upon into radiant confidence that you are exactly who you need to be, please let me know . . . either here or schedule a consult! You can be every bit as confident and competent . . . as FABULOUS as your radio show host . . . and blogger!
When I started my business, I didn’t know anyone who was mentoring and inspiring therapists while being open and honest . . . about the challenges and the joys of being in private practice. I just imagined it! And, you can, too, Linda. Your path is just that . . . your path. Thank you for letting me support you on your one-of-a-kind adventure. Just because yours looks different than mine, doesn’t mean that you are on the wrong path . . . . Instead, it means just the opposite! If you are doing it your way i.e. your unique way, you will begin to attract your ideal and favorite clients and they will be meant just for you!
Blessings to you on your journey!
Hi Linda! I’m so glad you found something useful in the post. Gosh, I remember leaving my agency job a year and a half ago to set out on my private practice journey. It was an exciting and scary time for me! And you better believe I hadn’t wrangled a deal to be a guest speaker on a radio show. (I guess that’s still on my professional bucket list.) That’s wonderful news—congratulations! It sounds like a great way to get some exposure and share your expertise with folks who need it.
Thanks for dropping by to share your thoughts. I’m looking forward to hearing more about your journey.
Oh, yes! I’m interested in hearing how that radio gig goes, too! Hope you’ll be back to share more about that, Linda.
Ann – well said and Tamara is on the mark with complimenting on your style of writing. Both Labyrinth and Magnificent are appealing. I too have had pangs of jeaoulsy over Tamara’s amazing following and her tons of comments.
Thank you for being so transparent and providing us with a jealousy map
Thank you, Brenda! You are very kind. (And, my partner would tell you that I just like to talk a lot!)
Hi, Brenda! Thank you for the compliment—I really enjoy writing and it makes me happy to know that this post had something in it you could use. I admit it was scary for me to be so transparent in my first guest post, but I knew there had to be at least a few people out there who would join with me (we’re therapists, after all!) in the experience and acknowledge their own struggles, too.
And thanks for the feedback on counselinginterns.com! It’s funny—the banner at the top of the page that says “Magnificent” is just the name of the wordpress template I’m using on the site. I haven’t wrangled a logo yet that I can use to replace it. Just had to say that so folks didn’t think I named it that on purpose. I don’t have that big of an ego! 😉
Hahaha, Ann! That’s a pretty funny disclaimer! And, whether we all detail out our moments of practice envy or not, you can be sure that most of us visit there more often than we would like to admit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been a little wistful when one of my colleagues has taken that next step . . . whatever it is . . . that I am intent upon taking.
It’s hard to feel like I’m missing the boat when I’m not sure if my own boat is going to show up and let me get on, too!
And, of course, there are those who have strengths that I admire like the writing that you and Martha Crawford offer that is also a trigger for that green-eyed monster of writers’ envy if I am not mentally in the right space for me.
I don’t even know what to say to that, Tamara– Martha Crawford is in a category all by herself, in terms of her writing. She regularly gives me green days!
And it’s surprising to hear from you that you have green days, too! I mean, I know it shouldn’t be– we all have them– but you’re such a big presence in the online therapeutic community! I suppose this is a lesson that we are all of us prone to green days, no matter how far along we may be in our careers or no matter how big our achievements.
Perhaps an occasional green day is part of what keeps us moving forward instead of resting on our laurels? Hmm…
Surprise! I’m human, too! And, you are right – Martha is in a category all by herself. And, so are you. And, so am I! And, so is each and every one of the therapists out here . . . whether they are brand new to the field, still in training, or are seasoned with decades of experience. That would be my point in this discussion!
Sure, we all get sidetracked with our own baggage – practice envy, cockiness, or whatever but as we clean all of that up (again and again:) what shines through is that each of us has a set of gifts that set us apart. As we learn what those really are we are then able to meet the needs of the clients we are supposed to be working with . . . . That’s not necessarily everyone that knocks on our door. That’s not always the clients with the deepest pockets. Instead, it is the clients that need our unique sets of gifts, talents, and life experiences.
And, by the way, Ann . . . that “big presence in the online therapeutic community” is because I found mentors and coaches along the way to show me how to create that. What I’m doing – on the clinical end or the consulting end – is no better or more important than anyone else out there. It’s just the way that I do it and everyone reading this can do it, too. (And, if you don’t know how and need more help than this blog, then hire me! I’m happy to consult with you 1:1 once or twice or on an ongoing basis.)
Brilliant….just brilliant! Thank you so much!
Hi, Jamie! Thanks for taking time today to let us know you are with us! It’s so appreciated!
Have a great week!
Thanks, Jamie! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the feedback!
Thanks Ann and Tamara for offering this very “human” post today! It made me reflect on ways that the green-eyed monster can come up in my practice philosophy. It was refreshing to look at it in another way in how it can “teach me something” and that uncomfortable feeling can actually produce gratitude and action. It inspired me to write my own post about gratitude and what I am grateful for on my own blog today!
Hi Kate! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. There’s so much comfort we can find in reframing those tough feelings and challenges into opportunities! I’m glad this post inspired you in your own writing. I really do think gratitude journaling can be a great “immunization” against feelings of jealousy. Nonetheless, it’s nice to have a plan of action for when those green days do show up!
What a timely post! I’m not so sure that jealousy is the emotion I typically battle when it comes to private practice, but the idea of answering the questions of Why? Who? Now what? seems to be applicable to other emotions, such as loneliness. Although Private Practice from the Inside Out does quite a bit to dispel feeling lonely when trying to build a practice, there are still moments when other coworkers, family, and friends don’t seem to “get” the idea that it takes a while to make an informed consent document or a biopsychosocial intake packet, For example. It would be helpful for me to look at who I am frustrated with, why they don’t seem to understand what I am trying to accomplish or how I am trying to do it, and now what I can do to either try to explain it to them or find someone else to discuss it with.
Albeit different from where your post started, it definitely triggered my thought processes.
I have been using a gratitude calendar with some of my clients, and it seems to be working well. I originally got the idea from one of the featured activities posted by Liana Lowenstein: http://www.lianalowenstein.com/
Hi, Lauren! Thanks for dropping in this evening to talk about gratitude and envy! Hey, can you say more about a gratitude calendar? I am familiar with Liana’s website but wasn’t able to find the calendar that you mention. Sounds like a fabulous tool!
The Gratitude Calendar was one of the monthly Featured Activities. So it’s not listed on the site anymore. I kept the original form (which I will e-mail to you along with the form I made for my clients to actually use). The original description was as follows: The therapist initiates a discussion about the concept of gratitude. The message that people can make themselves feel better by focusing on even the small pleasures in life is highlighted. The therapist and child can give examples of what they are grateful for. The therapist gives the child the calendar and asks the child to open it up to the current date. The child then writes one thing that he or she feels grateful for. It can be something small, such as “I’m grateful that it is sunny today” or something more significant, such as “I’m grateful I’m healthy.” The child takes the calendar home, and each day writes something that he or she feels grateful for. If desired, the child can decorate the calendar.
I use this activity with adolescents and adults. Rather than using a calendar, I made a spreadsheet that lists the dates on the side. There is one month on each page. After we discuss the idea of the gratitude calendar, they are asked to start on that date, work to the bottom of the page, and start at the top of the beginning of the next month, continuing until the entire page is completed. I have a lot of clients who get upset when they miss a few days, and I just tell them to go back and fill it in. I’ve been doing this for just under a month now, so I haven’t actually seen a completed one, but I have seen several in progress. My plan is to keep a copy in their file and let them keep the original so that they have something to refer back to when they’re having a difficult day.
Hi Lauren—I really like your idea about generalizing the jealousy map to feelings of all kinds. Thank you for improving on the idea by sharing a bit about your own experiences.
I have definitely had my days of frustration in practice-building, too. Not just in doing the work, but the things that get lost in translation when seeking sympathy and support from folks who are not in the field or don’t know what it is like to be a business owner. I think that’s why it is so important to have a tribe or community that you can return to again and again for that valuable support. It’s one of the reasons I love Tamara’s community here at PPIO so much.
And thanks for linking to the gratitude calendar—I know many more therapists are making use of gratitude journaling for themselves and also with their clients—no doubt they will be glad to learn of this resource!
I am so impressed with the quality of writing and transparency of this blog post! The competition among private practice therapists has been challenging for me too and I’m glad it is being talked about. Thank you for sharing your process in transforming these days we all struggle through. Visiting this blog is always a breath of fresh air. 🙂
Hi, Kat! Welcome back! I’ve missed your voice here!
Thank you for your kind words about Private Practice from the Inside Out! I hope your visit here helps you breathe easier and step more confidently into your own unique space as you continue to change the world. That’s the goal!
Hi Kat! So good to see you on here. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts! I’m so glad you’re here in Austin with me—it’s so nice to have a like-minded therapist to collaborate with. If you’re ever having a green day, you just let me know. I’m happy to help remind you about all the neat ways you bring fresh life and perspective to this work.
Sweet! Nothing makes me happier than to see collaborations and collaborative offers taking place here at PPIO. There is room at the table for ALL!
I love your honesty Ann! Whether comparing private practice, blogging, or your kid’s standardized test scores….nobody is immune from the Green-eyed monster.
It’s funny, as often as I remind my clients (especially the teens) that Facebook represents “edited reality,” I found myself battling with many of the thoughts you mentioned.
We can never go wrong with gratitude and ACTION. You have a wonderful niche in the “people-pleasers.” I imagine it’s only a matter of time before your practice is robust and full.
Tamara–I agree with Stephanie–you have such a tight website. I’m always impressed with the design and the wonderful content :).
Very refreshing to see the community you’ve built here!
Linda! Thanks so much for reaching out back channel to let me know that you had left a comment that had not been posted. It had indeed gone into the spam folder! So sorry! Not really sure why!
Thank you for taking time to drop in to chat and thank you for your very kind worlds about my website. I’m truly honored! (And, have to give credit to Copyblogger’s newest blogger and my web designer, Beth Hayden, for the actual design of the site.) As for the community . . . that’s something that WE have built . . . you and me and the folks that you’ve sent my way and the therapists that take the time to offer information and encouragement, resources and direction as I continue to curate information and inspiration here at Private Practice from the Inside Out.
Hi, Linda! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. You’re so right– the green-eyed monster finds us in all areas of our life, from time to time. Practice-building is just one place it likes to hang out!
And I do believe that Facebook can fan the flames of jealousy HUGELY. It’s so hard to remember that Facebook is just a tiny representation of the goings-on in people’s lives. And we’re so often prone to compare ourselves, or to feel less-than when we look at our own lives honestly next to such a highly edited version!
I try to keep myself to a careful Facebook diet– just some status updates and checks here and there– and I find that when I do this, the green eyed monster does not show up as often. It also helps me find lots of hidden time in my day to do other things that I enjoy.
I actually wrote about reappropriating some of those “hidden hours” in my schedule on my own blog this week.
And thank you for the compliment about my niche! It took me a while to put it into words, but now that I have, I couldn’t be happier!
Thanks for stopping by to share your thoughts!
Similar feelings from another blogger http://quinncreative.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/the-dark-side-of-facebook-blogs-and-twitter/
Pam, thanks so much for sharing this link! It’s a lovely blog and ties right in to that green-eyed monster!
Hi Pam– good catch! Thanks for linking to this blog– it helps to get some reality checks on this stuff, doesn’t it? I actually found another post on envy at the Introvert Entrepreneur– must be something in the water this week that we’re all coming out of the woodwork to discuss!
http://bethbuelow.com/2012/08/23/envy-and-the-entrepreneur-pies-prayers-and-redemption/
Ann, thanks so much for staying engaged in this conversation and also for directing us to another great blog post! I was not familiar with Beth’s blog but just checked it out and I know I’ll be back!
Have a great day!
Thanks for posting this blog. It’s reassuring to know that there are a lot of us out there who have blog envy. Sometimes I just need to know it’s OK to feel envious, I don’t have to fix it or do everything I see. Sometimes it’s good to know what I’m envious about, so I can be specific. But most of all, it’s good to know that there are people admitting it! And thanks for dropping by my blog.
Hi, QuinnCreative! Thanks so much for dropping in!
I chuckled when I read “. . . it’s good to know that there are people admitting it!” Give me a break! Whether people admit it or not, I just assume it’s true! We can’t be good at everything and, for many of us, those places that we are less-than-good cause us to turn a bit green! Not exactly happy about it but certainly willing to admit I go there on occasion. That’s why I’m grateful for Ann’s guest post! At least now I have a bit of a road map for envy!