Thanks, Pam!
On Sunday, child development expert Pam Dyson left a comment sharing a couple of the rituals she uses . . . .
I’ve found little rituals help me leave client problems at the office. When locking the file cabinet drawer at the end of the work day I pause, take a deep breath, and tell myself I’ve already devoted time to my clients today and now it’s time for me.
I did something similar when I worked at a residential treatment center. Driving my car across the small bridge that connected the center to the community outside of it at the end of the day was symbolic of leaving my caseload there until I returned the next day.”
Tamara’s Rituals in Private Practice
Pam’s comment reminded me that several years ago, I attended a panel discussion on the rituals that therapists use in their work – not with their clients but for themselves. That workshop really resonated with me because over the years I, too, have created and used rituals in a variety of ways to support the work I do.
For years, I lit a candle 
when I started my work day and I blew it out at the very end of my work day. In my mind, it honored the conversations that I facilitated and also the containment of the work my clients and I undertook.
At times, I have included a ritual in which I offer my clients a beverage when they first arrive. It’s a very visible way of me . . . serving them. I don’t think that my clients necessarily would have identified that as a ritual. But, I made that offer in the same way at the same time to each client and always with the same intent . . . to signify that I was there to be in service to them.
The Difference a Ritual Makes
Over time, I realized that simple and repetitive performances of routine tasks and habits . . . things that at one time I had identified mostly as “chores” could hold a different energy and a different purpose when I reframed them as rituals. It was as if they began to hold a sacredness about them. (Or, in hindsight, I suspect they always did and the rituals simply allowed me to see a sacredness that had always been present.)
How to Create Rituals for Your Own Use
If you would like to create rituals for your own practice to support you in the work you do, here’s some guidelines to get you started.
- Set your intention and make it compatible with your values. Do you need to feel centered when you start seeing your clients? Do you want to stay strength-focused when you are charting your notes? Is leaving your work at work what you want to improve? Any one of these or something else can be the basis for your ritual.
- Consider what tools you might want to use. Words are always powerful – prayers, poetry, prose. But consider other physical elements that might also be appropriate – water, images, art, candles, bottles, bowls, or jars, feathers, beads, stones or sticks, flowers, fabric, boxes, etc. Look for things that connect in some way to your intention.
- Decide if this is a ritual that you want to do alone, with a colleague, or with a group. Since the beginning of time, rituals have been used to build community, solidify a relationship, and honor values. The intent of your ritual will likely tie into at least one of these and inform who you decide to include / exclude in your practice.
- Choose a place for your ritual. It might take place outside, in your kitchen at home, in your car, as you enter or leave the doorway to your office, at your desk, in your bathroom, or somewhere else. There’s not one right place for all rituals.
- Plan to put your ritual into effect on a regular basis. Put it on the calendar. Try it out for a month or two before deciding if you want to tweak it or keep it or abandon it altogether.
- And, notice what changes for you.
Do you have rituals that you already use that support you in your work in private practice? Are you ready to create a new ritual? Heard of another therapist / health care provider’s ritual that sounds interesting? Share your rituals right here and inspire the rest of us!
Before a client arrives, I always take 10 minutes to sit in the treatment area and meditate. It helps clear out my own inner space and center myself for the upcoming session. I also offer my clients a beverage when they first arrive and near the end of the session (since I work in altered states of consciousness, I find it helps them become “grounded” before leaving the office if they’ve had a particularly powerful session). I never really thought about those actions as rituals, but I can definitely see how thinking of them in that way can make a real difference. Thanks for another great post, Tamara!
Stephanie! I haven’t heard from you in a while! Welcome back!
Getting grounded before a client enters the office is so important. I remember when I first started in private practice how exciting and anxiety-producing it was to just anticipate that client arriving. Meditation is an excellent way to get grounded, get focused, and re-oriented back to the here and now . . . for me and the client!
What a great post. My ritual (or possibly it’s more like a boundary I have set) is to only check my office voicemail once per day at a predetermined time. Our office policy is that calls from potential new clients are forwarded on to our intake coordinator. By setting an alarm to check those messages, I make sure that no clients slip through the cracks, and it reminds me that at the end of a long day, this is my last duty to my clients until the next day rolls around. I especially like your idea of using physical reminders to help us build rituals that get us centered for the day as well as keep up centered throughout the day.
Hi, Samantha! Welcome back! It sounds like you have a boundary in place (to check your voice mail only once each day) and that you have developed the practice of picking those messages up as your very last task in the office . . . as if it is the “bookend” to your day to help you contain your work at work!
Just remember that although your work day may be officially ending at the office, you are technically responsible for your clients 24/7.
Thanks for dropping in today to share your practice with us! I hope you’ll be dropping in again soon!
What a great idea for a post. I have often thought about how important it is to “leave the caseload at the office” but I had never thought about creating a ritual. Additionally, this post made me think about how I need a starting ritual too. Often I have more trouble than I’d like leaving my “to-do list” out of my client sessions…i.e. a client talks about doing her laundry and I remember suddenly that I meant to start a load before I left my house!
Hi, Stephanie! I’m seeing your name show up a lot of different places these days! Good for you!
Can’t wait to hear what that starting ritual is going to entail! Hope you’ll drop back in and share!
The first thing that came to mind upon reading this was that I always have a few minutes every evening that I dedicate myself at home. Even if I have another engagement on a weeknight, I always take a few minutes for something I want (and looking at this blog is often a part of that).
The other thing I always do is to make it a point to discuss clients or sessions about which I have a strong emotional reaction – whether positive or negative. I always feel either relieved or as though I shared something really important after discussing it with a coworker. I know a lot of counselors receive consultation about clients with whom they feel “stuck,” but I also feel that it’s important to discuss our positive sessions because both people involved in the conversation can learn about the technique and what happened so that that “therapeutic magic” can be understood and maybe found in another session.
Thank you, Lauren! I am honored that you include this blog among your “wants!”
And, thank you for underscoring the need to seek consultation any time strong feelings crop up. Counter-transference is just as likely to show up (and even more likely to be overlooked) when the feelings are positive rather than negative. And, by the way, that’s exactly when boundaries are most likely to be blurred. Your observation speaks volumes about your clinical insight.
Since I’m a child therapist I like to spend time alone in my play room. I will pick up a toy that my eye is drawn to that day. Often there is a message in that toy that inspires, motivates or encourages me.
I also recently took the advice Tweeted by Vince at http://www.rememberingtoplay.com He suggested finding a picture of when you were a child, and asking the child for wisdom. I found the perfect photo of myself. It’s me at age two, wearing a straw hat, sitting barefooted on the front porch of our family farm house. It’s now the first thing I see when I sit down at my desk in my office each day. Always brings a smile to my face.
I love your idea, Pam! I haven’t done that with childhood photos, but I have done that pictures from my favorite activities (vacationing somewhere, scuba diving, getting to meet some of the Philadelphia Phillies (baseball players).
I asked an intern at our agency to find some sort of “reset button,” if there was a difficult session (not one that required the immediate intervention of a more experienced professional) that she wasn’t able to process with someone else immediately. Her response was that she has pictures of her children on her computer that can help her change her “mental gears,” so to speak.
Oh,Lauren – I love the idea of a “reset button!” Thanks for sharing the idea and the imagery, too!
I was talking just the other day with someone about the importance of ritual. It seems there’s some overlap in what we do: I also offer my clients a beverage before beginning our meeting. And, I try to do a little meditation or quiet reading before my sessions begin. I also have a practice at the end of the day where I thank my clients for their presence and lessons, and then do a sort of mental “tucking in” for each one before I leave the office. This creates a boundary for me and for them in my own mind, and it offers me comfort and freedom to leave clinical matters and concerns in the room rather than taking it home with me.
Oh, Ann! this is such a lovely practice – your mental “tucking in!” It shows such reverence . . . for your clients, for yourself, for the work that you share, and the process that you facilitate. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Still working on that starting ritual, Tamara! No ideas so far, but we will see…
I like what you said, Lauren, about strong feelings, as well. If I have a strong reaction to a person, I’m learning that it’s likely they elicit this strong reaction in other people as well. While sometimes it is pure countertransference, as Tamara said, sometimes it might also be a clue into what the person’s daily life is like. I have recently thought about this when dealing with clients’ sense of self-defeat (how might that make other people in their life give up on them?) or lack of boundaries (could this be why they have trouble holding down a job?) Though it’s an imperfect ‘technique’ is has definitely helped me zero in on some “life issues” that I need to address in the client’s life for their own sake.
Ron Huxley, LMFT on LinkedIn said this . . . “Nice article. I have a nice scenic drive home that allows me to let go of the stress of the day. I like to put new artwork in the clinic every quarter to keep the atmosphere full of surprises and creativity.”
Stephanie, you are most certainly right that our countertransference reactions can be a big clue into something that may need to be discussed in treatment. It’s similar to how a client’s reactions in treatment can be sometimes a microcosm of what happens outside of session. For example, sometimes if I ask a child or adolescent for clarification on something, they’ll jump right to phrases like “I didn’t do anything” or “I never said that.” I’ll have to go back over what they said and ask whether I understood correctly and I can follow up with “I wasn’t sure that I had it right, which is why I asked you about it.” We will often discuss if I had given them any indication that they were in trouble, and most of the time, I had not (I am human, so I’m not going to say that it’s never come across that way). I try to teach parents, children, and adolescents about nonverbal communication skills. I’ve digressed a bit here, but the reason I thought of this is because these discussions often start with my own reaction to the child’s defensive reaction to what I thought was a neutral question.
Hi Tamara,
What a lovely post on such an important concept! I also love the ideas shared by the therapists above 🙂 One idea that I can add to this bunch comes from one of Jack Kornfield’s workshops (http://www.dorleem.com/2011/05/10-take-aways-from-workshop-on.html).
He expressed how mental health professional tend to feel the responsibility and weight of the world on their shoulders vis a vis their clients and their problems…. we, can bear witness to their pain and help but we do not bear the responsibility nor should we think we do. As a way of both reminding ourselves of our humble place in this huge universe and getting some support in our work, Jack mentioned how he places various symbols of different people’s religions on the wall/ledge behind him – something that he makes a point of looking at as he both enters and leaves his office.
I think this ritual (or some variation of it) could be a very helpful one.
Dorlee! How fabulous to hear from you here! I was just at a workshop this week telling someone about your amazing blog and your mojo! Hope you are doing well!
Hey, I love yours / Jack’s “reminder.” It’s really quite lovely, isn’t it? (And, I’m so jealous that you got to hear him!) Thank you for taking time to share it and also to remind us of what we are and what we are not responsible for in our daily work.:)
Lauren,
Good insight into a teenager’s defensiveness. I hadn’t even thought about that, but that’s a good thing to be aware of. If you weren’t tuned into how he/she was reacting, they could very well continue to see you as someone else who is “accusing” them rather than connecting with them the way you did!
I was hanging out on LinkedIn and ran across these comments in response to this post.
Mary Moonen, L.C.S.W, C.A.P. in Bradenton, Florida said . . .
“For me, it’s when I lock the door, and shut out the lights. I take a minute and reflect on how the day went. I ask myself what went well today? What are things that didn’t go as well as I had hoped? I remind myself that I am human, and I will learn from any mistakes. I think about what areas I would like to research more….and then.. I give myself credit for what did go well…how I was more mindful of one thing or another…and then..I close up…and picture my office…as getting smaller and smaller and smaller as I drive away, and mentally leave my work there. ” [Thanks, Mary for letting me share this here.]
And, Matthew Hunter, MS, LAPC, NCC in Atlanta, Georgia offered this . . .
“. . . By checking out goals, progress, reactions at the end of each session, the therapist can leave the session knowing rather than guessing or assuming how things stand. I find that is often what I take home with me: wondering and ruminating on whether I was helpful because I’m still fairly new to the field (and of course my own personal stuff).
I would say the closest thing I have to a ritual right now is to check in with myself at the end of the day in the car ride home (including how I am driving) and use that awareness around any compassion fatigue or lingering client concerns or personal reactions to then “practice what I preach” with self-care whether that’s letting go of what I can’t control, creating time to reflect on personal concerns, connecting with my partner, having a laugh with a friend, extra sleep, having a special dinner, etc. I also try to remind myself as often as I can that I can’t fix the client and that most often than not any “mistake” in instinct is a chance to use clients’ reactions and for me to learn. Lastly, I repeat to myself that I can’t do anything to help until next session, and I’ll be most helpful next session with a clear and rested mind without a personal agenda.” [Thanks, Matt, for letting me share your thoughts here, too!]
More discussion on LinkedIn . . . this time from Ron Huxley, LMFT in San Luis Obispo, California. Ron said . . .
“. . . Nice article. I have a nice scenic drive home that allows me to let go of the stress of the day. I like to put new artwork in the clinic every quarter to keep the atmosphere full of surprises and creativity. ” [What a lovely idea – for both you and your clients, Ron! Thanks for letting me share it here!]
Mary, I like that a great deal! I recently realized I do have a bit of a ritual when it comes to my work. I log out of my email, get my things together, lock the filing cabinets with the client files, and lock my office door. When I drive away I focus on what I have to do next: dinner, time with the hubby, the premiere of a favorite TV show…. But, I really like what you’re saying about picturing the office getting smaller and smaller and mentally leaving your work there. I think I will use it.
Good morning, Stephanie! I know! I’m loving that idea, too. It reminds me of the work I do with Neurolinguistic Programming – imagining the sounds getting softer, and the image getting smaller and smaller until it’s just a dot that disappears on the horizon. Love it!
Tamara, I love your happy voice. And yes, I can say voice, because I can *hear* you smiling when you type your comments and your blog. It is a beautiful morning here in Texas – surprising to say after 3 months of hundred-degree weather, I am sitting at my kitchen table with the cool light streaming in – it’s lovely! I hope all of you reading the blog today are experiencing similar small joys. I think, at least for today, this will be my starting ritual before I go into work!
Hey, Stephanie! I’m honored that you include us in your morning ritual! How fabulous! Have a great day!
I really love this article! I’ve kept it open on my computer at work and thought about it every day since it was first posted, and am just now getting around to replying. It’s actually caused me to pay more attention to my rituals – I thought I had some good self-care with leaving work at work, but realized I could be more intentional about it.
So last night before I left my office I spent a few minutes releasing the work from the day to God and asking Him to help my clients between our appointments, submitting what I’d done to His care. It helped me to let go of my worries and turn them over to His capable hands. And then today I turned everything off in my 20 minute car-ride to the office and spent the time praying for my day and each client, giving it all over to God and asking Him to lead me with wisdom and compassion throughout my day. So far it’s been a great day and I’ve felt able to invest more of myself in each appointment!
Nice! I have been surprised that although folks have implied that prayer is part of their rituals, no one until now has actually spelled that out. I really like ” . . . submitting what I’d done to His care.” It’s really difficult when people come to us all day asking us for answers – and mostly being able to provide them – to then willingly let go and realize that we really never were in control at all.
Your comment is a lovely reminder of that and The Serenity Prayer that every good 12-Stepper knows i.e. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” –Reinhold Niebuhr
Aaron, your post has touched me. Thank you for speaking it, I believe that our work is holy work in a way, and to release the encounters of each day to God puts it in a good place to hold until the next time. And it reminds me that the session belongs not to me, and creates the boundary necessary to approach the work in a fresh way and with inspiration that transcends our training, knowledge, and experience. Thanks.
Jen Kristel, M.A., CET was on LinkedIn talking about her own rituals . . . . She said “I work a lot with rituals and ceremonies. Both for my self and others. I find them very powerful and clients find that energies shift in a way that is more concrete and easily accessible. Sometimes simply turning around and making a statement of a change they need to make or a letting go is enough to shift the energy. Or brushing of the “essence” of a negative person with light brushing strokes. (I do this on my self, and when a client does it, they do it to themselves- I don’t do it for them) I also smudge my office with cedar regularly. That really helps to clear the air!! Thanks for the topic!”
And . . . LinkinIn is still buzzing with this discussion, too. Marian Lancaster , MA, ATR-BC in Louisville, Kentucky says “I love the idea of rituals and find them very helpful in dealing with stress, and I almost always suggest to clients that they create special rituals to help them deal with loss and major changes. Unfortunately, I’m not always good about using them myself. My current work in private practice is still fairly light and the issues my current clients are dealing with so far have not been triggering for me. My former job was highly stressful – mainly focusing on complex trauma, and there I had several rituals that I used occasionally. If I had a client with a particularly horrifying story, after they left I would sweep my arms around the room, pushing all the bad energy out the door. If I didn’t have time for that, I would at least spray the room with a light-scented room spray. One ritual I used consistently when I carried a client home with me (in my head), was to spend a few minutes thinking about her and my feelings about her situation, then take a deep breath and release her to her higher power. Doing this always got her out of my head and allowed me to sleep. — I’ll be interested to hear what others have to say. Thanks for posting this Tamara!”
Thanks for your responses, Peg and Tamara! You both said it so very well – this is holy work that does not belong to me but God through me. Much better than I could ever have thought it! 🙂
I also wanted to just reinforce the quote from Matthew Hunter via LinkedIn about checking in at the end of each session about goals, reactions, etc. I employ this regularly with each client before each session as I review the file, and make sure to check at the end of each session if we’re still on track towards the client’s goals. It’s good ritual for our mental health, as you noted, but I think it’s also excellent clinical care!