Back in March, I was attending my monthly consultation group when an interesting discussion came up about naming our businesses and whether or not to use our personal names as our business names.
My colleague, Amanda Wigfield, MA, CSPT, CSAT was obviously embroiled in the middle of making this decision and, as a parent, had some things to consider that I had not.
I invited her to share her concerns and questions with you today in the hopes that you, too, might want to consider carefully the implications of the name you choose to use . . . and also to share your own thoughts and experiences about the inherent (and often overlooked) risks and costs of doing the business of private practice.
(If you are interested in writing a guest post, check out the guidelines here.)
_______________
A Guest Post by Amanda Wigfield, MA, CSPT, CSAT
What’s the Big Deal?
Hello! My name is Amanda.
To begin with, I was hoping to contribute to a nice, clean-cut guest post here about professional name changes and the pros and cons of “Doing Business As . . . .”
However, anyone who knows me knows that it is not unlike me to have more questions than answers to most dilemmas I examine, and this pickle is no exception.
I now have more questions than answers and have decided the best way to settle this personal yet professionally relevant quandary is to put the question out to you.
Any feedback, comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
First, a little bit about me and my situation . . . .
I am a therapist in private practice working mostly with kids doing play and art therapy.
I am also a mom of two kids who are about to enter into public schools for the first time.
These two facts combine to lay the framework for my concern with my professional versus personal name.
To Change or Not to Change Names . . .
Lately I have been contemplating changing my name for several reasons.
- I am concerned that my children’s names will be tied back to me somehow and I will lose my option to choose how and when I disclose that I am a parent.
- I do not want clients to know that I even have children until I have had the opportunity to assess whether or not I want to make this disclosure for therapeutic reasons.
- It is possible that future clients of mine will not only know that I have children, but could potentially know who my children are. This thought concerns me for both safety and therapeutic reasons.
- I do not want my clients to be able to potentially locate my children’s whereabouts.
Given my concerns, I know something needs to happen, but I cannot decide if I should use my professional name only, my personal name, or perhaps another direction entirely such as changing my children’s names.
There is of course, always the option to leave well enough alone and do nothing as well.
The first question I have asked myself is “Why?
For what reasons would I want to change my name?”
I have already started a private practice with a business name that I love, but as an individual therapist within that practice, I worry about what information my name will inadvertently give my clients.
For example . . . what happens when my child’s classmate (who happens to be a client) and his parents now see not only who my kids are but also where they are?
And, will the parents of my client judge my ability to help their children based on how they view my children’s well-being and behavior?
Advice, Please . . .
Here is where your advice and experience can help . . . .
Has anyone out there been subject to uncomfortable or even unsafe situations because a client knew your name and possibly connected it with your children or other family members?
Does this situation happen or am I being paranoid -which could very well be the case?
When I began to research the topic, I did come across a few websites that may be of use to someone in a similar situation. [updated 05-04-15]
Many women have professional reasons for not changing their name.
For example, they have been published under their current name; they have built a client base that recognizes them as their current name, etc.
For me, I already chose to change my name when I got married before I built my practice.
But now that I have marketed my practice under my married name, I can see the argument in keeping the name the same.
People in my community know me by my current name so why risk losing my reputation if it is not necessary?
On the flip side, my practice is only 2 years old so how much recognition could I possibly have that could not be easily changed?
Again, if anyone has been in this situation, I would love to hear about it.
I am wondering; how did the name change or decision to not change your name work out for you?
Is my fear of losing the association between my name and what I do to help children valid?
Safety First
For my personal situation, I think the idea of safety has outweighed any fear of losing my professional reputation.
I worry more about clients having the ability to recognize my children and possibly causing them harm.
Or, at the risk of flaunting my insecurity . . . I worry that clients will judge my therapeutic skills based on how well my children behave in the classroom or outside of it.
Am I crazy or does anyone else have the same concerns?
These are really two separate questions . . . .
Has anyone out there been the victim of stalking or uncomfortable situations when their client gained some information about you?
And second, has anyone ever felt judged or been asked to account for the behavior of their family members or friends once a connection is made back to you?
I feel confident in my ability to handle this conversation in a therapeutic manner, but what if this happens outside of the therapy room?
Second Guessing Myself
For anyone who has not yet read Kenneth S. Pope’s book, What Therapists Don’t Talk About and Why, I highly recommend it – especially if this post is making you grimace a little bit.
Ken has laid out some excellent resources for therapists who are victims of client stalking on his website.
Finding this information made me think that while there is some truth to my worry about clients coming too close and intruding into my personal life, I am still in the dark about how relevant it is to my children and me.
Do I need to be concerned for them or mostly for myself when it comes to the possibility of stalking?
Doing Business As . . .
Yes, my inquiry into changing my name to keep a private profile right now is based mostly out of fear.
However, it is the only possible solution that I have found that makes me feel like I have some distance between my personal and professional roles in my community.
So changing my name is one option.
Another option that was presented to me was a “Doing Business As” i.e DBA route.
The suggestion was to register my name of choice with the Secretary of State to be in good legal standing with my business.
My practice name, Iolite Counseling, would stay the same but I would be able to introduce myself to my clients as my DBA name, use that name on my business, cards, etc.
This sounded like a wonderful solution, so I looked into it.
Here is a website with lots of information on DBAs.
However, when I went to file the form using Legal Zoom, I was told that while I may not need a legal filing to be known to my clients by a different name, my licensing board might not allow it.
Legal Names Only
OK, so I thought that meant I could just change my name with DORA, the regulatory board in the state of Colorado that governs mental health licensing, right?
Nope.
According to DORA, any name change requests must be accompanied by sufficient documentation for a legal name change.
If I am to practice under any name, it must be my legal name.
If I wish to keep my personal and professional names separate I must legally change one of them.
Back to square one . . . .
Is it worth the hassle for me to jump through the bureaucratic hoops to gain the distance I desire between my practice and my family?
It looks like no matter what decision I make concerning this matter, I need to be who I legally represent myself to be.
So the question then becomes . . . do I change my name or my kids’ last name?
Or, do I do nothing and simply accept that I am being paranoid?
Hi Amanda, I had a few thoughts while reading your blog post.
1) My father and my husband are physicians. Neither of them has ever had a patient come to the house even though their home addresses are listed in the phone book. On the other hand, if a true stalker wanted to find them, they would — even if we attempted to remove them from every possible database.
2) People WILL judge your kids. If even one person in the school tells another that you are a therapist who works with kids, they will tell another… and so on. But children are evaluated regarding their parents’ professions all the time. Imagine what people assume about engineers’ kids, accountants’ kids, etc. There is no way to avoid it. I would recommend doing the best you can as a parent and not giving it a lot of mental energy.
3) I recently learned that all law firms in the state I’m in have to be named after someone actually practicing there. Supposedly this was done to prevent lousy lawyers from closing a firm once it has a bad reputation and then re-opening under a new name while continuing to provide bad service. (This doesn’t really apply to your situation; I just thought it was interesting.)
Good luck on your parenting, therapy, and name journey,
Mary
Good morning, Mary! Thanks for dropping in to share your thoughts with Amanda and the rest of our community. I agree with your comments here. I find Amanda’s concerns to be interesting and even understandable. However, if I were a client and learned that my therapist was operating under an assumed name rather than her own, I would, at best, feel betrayed, and at worst, might start to question her motivations or her own mental stability. I would feel hurt, afraid, or confused.
Admittedly, I am not a mom and I have to concede that parenting must be the hardest job in the world. However, I believe that a parent’s job is not so much to protect a child from harm; instead it’s to prepare a child to deal with the difficult (and sometimes awful) things that happen to a child.
I should note that I have worked a bit with stalkers as clients and I have been stalked by one of my own clients. In my somewhat limited experience with these clients, I have never found them to be interested at all in stalking anyone other than s/he who was the focus of their individual obsessions.
Yes, parents are judged by their children . . . and children are judged by their parents. But, we are also judged by our spouses, our friends, the buildings or parts of town that we choose to set up our practices, the color of our hair, and the size of our waistlines. Knowing Amanda as I do, I can only imagine that those judgements are going to lean toward positive impressions rather than negative ones.
It is common for new mental health professionals to have more questions than answers and all of those can be accompanied by increased levels of anxiety. By taking action to get more information about those questions, you can lessen your fears and / or develop contingency plans for your worst case scenarios. However, by choosing to change your name or your children’s names, I have to wonder what you might be inadvertently teaching your children – to run? to hide? to make decisions based on fear?
Amanda, I know this is a difficult and very personal decision for you. Thank you for letting us peek into your thinking and inviting us in to share our thought with you. I suspect that you are not alone in your concerns. Looking forward to hearing what you decide to do about your name and also looking forward to you making peace with this decision. You and your children both are blessed to have each other and your clients will be fortunate to have you, too.
Thank you Tamara and Mary for the comments! I enjoyed reasding both. The topic of judgement came up in both of your comments and I would like to explore that some more. It is true that parents and children are both viewed in a light that reflects each other.
Mary, you are right, I forget that I am judged for plenty of other reasons throughout the course of my day. Assumptions are made about me based on the fact that I am a mother, as well as a counselor. My question is, given that we live in a world where judgements are made on a continous basis, is it unreasonable that I wish to put some distance between judgements I may face and my children?
Tamara, you helped me see this more clearly. I am trying to shelter my children from a potential threat that is not only hypothetical, but may be valuable. I can make my children stronger by teaching them how to navigate through judgements made by others based on not only their appearance, where they live, or what hobbies they pursue, but what their mother does as well. This is a skill I would like them to have, and why would I limit their opportunity to practice it in the real world? The realization I am coming to is that ready or not, my profession will have and already does have an impact on my children, and it is up to me to help them come out of their childhood strong and confidant.
Now, are there any recommendations for me as to what to do if a specific situation arises? Has anyone experienced a negative interaction between yourself and a client or a family member because of what you do for a living? I appreciate any thoughts and comments! Thank you for letting me share, this is clearly a topic I was supposed to explore in more depth.
Hey, Amanda! I’m so glad you’re hanging out here to continue the conversation! Thank you.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to wince a bit and prefer to not be judged negatively. I think that’s true for all of us. Of course, I think it’s also true that many of us . . . maybe most of us . . . don’t mind at all being judged positively. However, a better question might be “Is it useful to wish to put some distance between judgements” that you may face. And, I’m not sure it really is useful to do so. It may allow you and your children to move through this world with a false sense of security. In my experience, we are judged daily . . . both in and out of our professional lives . . . for the choices we make and the ones we don’t make, how our families look and how they come into being, etc. And, often, we are our own worst critics. “Protecting” your children from people sharing different opinions that are less pleasant seems much more useful to them i.e. your children than pretending those judgements don’t exist.
While you definitely have more to consider by having children, Amanda, you are exactly right that many areas of our lives are directly impacted by our professional roles. And, the flip side is also true . . . . My personal life is also directly impacted over and over again by my professional life! (And, very little of that is mentioned while you are in graduate school!)
When you ask for recommendations, I’m wondering if you can tell us (perhaps again) what is the situation you are most afraid of encountering?
My thoughts echo those already posted by Tamara and Mary. I would like to encourage you to seek out a counselor who can help you process all the emotions connected with your concerns. If our own personal fears, insecurities, etc., aren’t addressed they can bleed into the work we do with clients.
Thanks, Pam, for reminding us that we all need a little tuneup once in a while to do our best work with our clients!
Pam,
I agree with you about seeking out some counseling. I lease an office in a building who has an internship program which offers services to all people and all issues. No one is turned away. I completed my internship there. Not once, have I ever had an issue with clients respecting my boundaries.
I believe I make it clear what boundaries I hold them to as well as myself.
I have people aks me about my feeling safe. I do feel safe. Also, I use the name of my practice, Creating Your Beyond rather than my own name. I do this for marketing purposes. There are several advantages which can be a whole other blog post.
Warm Regards, Brenda
Welcome back, Brenda! You and Pam bring up one of those topics that just doesn’t get talked about in graduate school . . . that of therapists getting therapy. I so appreciate you two helping to normalize that we all need a professional and neutral third party on occasion to sort our our thoughts and support us in making changes.
I’ll never forget as an undergraduate majoring in Psychology . . . . My Intro to Psych instructor offered extra credit to us if we would go to the college counseling center to be guinea pigs for the grad students. Being a bit of an overachiever, I trotted right on over there to get my extra credit . . . but when it came to actually entering the center and getting my counseling . . . I chickened out. I remember thinking “What would people think” if I had gone in there.
OK, so that was thirty plus years ago so . . . fast forward five years later when I was working in an alcohol outpatient treatment program. Half the therapists working there in in 12 Step recovery and, coincidentally (or not) our program required the court-ordered clients to attend a good bit of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought I should go check out some open AA meetings if I was going to require my clients to go. One of the therapists, Frank, with a good bit of sobriety offered to take me to his home group. The first night . . . I drove into the parking lot but couldn’t make myself park the car so I turned around and drove home. I made some pitiful excuse to Frank the next day at work. The next week Frank asked if I was going to the meeting with him. I said yes. Managed to get into the parking lot and even parked the car but . . . couldn’t find the courage to even get out of the car!
Yep, lied to Frank the next day about not making it. Week three came up and . . . there I was again . . . pulling into the parking lot, parking the car, walked up to the door and turned around and left. It took me four times before I ever got around to going – and I didn’t even drink at the time.
My point is that we all have stuff – even after decades in the field – that we need to clean up with a little counseling. It’s a shame that we aren’t told this and don’t get this when we are just starting out. Again, thanks to you and Pam for suggesting that there are ways and places to get clear about these issues. We all have our baggage that we bring to work!
Thank you Tamara for your honesty in this area. I come from the perspective that as a therapist, it is a good rule of thumb to be acquainted with the process from the other side, as a consumer of mental health services.
It is a good practice ethically that holds two purposes; one to give you a first hand experience of what your clients experience and two, to make sure that you have dealt with any baggage that could potentially do harm to your clients. I would like to add that while I feel particularly susceptible to the need to seek excellent supervision and counseling as a relatively new practitioner, I do not feel this will ever end. As I continue to live life, and become a more “seasoned” therapist, I hope I will see value in the services for myself that I recommend to so many people.
I love to talk about the stuff therapists do not talk about, and counseling for the practitioner is definitely one of them! For anyone interested, our consultation group read Ken Pope’s book, “What Therapists Don’t Tlk about and Why” and I found it invaluable! Thanks Tamara!
Tamara,
I truly believe we need to be able to do what we ask of our clients. As therapists we ask them to go to the edge of darkness and dive in not knowing where it will take us.
I have found being in the client chair has made me a better therpist.
Take care, Brenda
Hi, Brenda! Same here . . . although that was one more place where I did not willingly go in the beginning!
Hi there! A fascinating post indeed. I think about names more from a marketing standpoint since no matter what you have to be YOU. Heck, right now you realize clients are finding this and learning more about your insecurities…? 🙂
I strongly suggest The Mother Dance, by Harriet Lerner. It is an amazing book filled with tons of self disclosure and drama from living in a smaller town. In one of my most favorite moments, she was practicing a form of food intake that lets kids moderate themselves, and as such, she kept stocked full, the garbage they wanted. So picture the scene: she’s at the grocery store, asking her kids if they have ENOUGH Twizzlers and sugar cereal, all while the cart is FULL of the junk…. and not just a client walks past, but her supervisor! She couldn’t do anything that wouldn’t make her seem crazier, so she just kept on keeping on. lol
In her book she also talks about a famous therapist who works with children and teens, whose own daughter tried to kill herself. Harriet talks about the horror this therapist experienced, sitting in a meeting, when the college called to explain what happened. It was devastating in so many ways for her personally, professionally, etc. But you know what? Our kids are not us. We are not our kids. Life happens.
As a marketer turning into a therapist (I’m in grad school now) I’m more interested in the business name that sounds fancy pants… like, being the President or Founder of X company. 🙂 It’s also easier for the media and others to perceive you as “more than you are” because you “created something.” Silly, I know, but it’s true. Even if you create and build a blog with its own name, you are the Founder of the blog, versus if you have a blog on your own website, you just “have a blog.” And if you’re more than your name, you can add others, expand, and truly build whatever it is you’re building.
Not to make you more paranoid, but you’re probably extremely easy to “stalk” now. Most therapists have no idea how easy and fast it is to find out information. Try to remember that most people are WAY to self-absorbed to care about your personal life, and any misstep your kids make will be perhaps the most therapeutic moment of their lives… to know therapists kids aren’t perfect makes them feel even BETTER about themselves. I know Harriet’s book is making me feel so much better.
Oh, and I’ve got an MFT husband and am going to be an MFT. When we’re snapping at our kids in public, being obnoxious human beings out of exhaustion, crabby kids, life stress, etc, we often think, “aah… hello! I’m a marriage and family therapist, can’t you tell?” To be human is a glorious, complex thing.
Hope this helps a little. 🙂
Hi, Elizabeth! So glad to have your voice here in the mix! I, too, am a Harriet Lerner fan but hadn’t read The Mother Dance. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I’ll definitely add that to my “must read” list!
Like you, I had only thought of choosing a business name from a marketing standpoint until this conversation came up with Amanda. So . . . I’m reading your comments, Elizabeth, and nodding my head and thinking that the savvy marketer in you is showing for sure! Thanks for pointing out the differences in languaging and the value of taking time to give some thought to your marketing efforts, too.
(Thanks again, Amanda, for being willing to be so open about your own stuff! We all have that stuff, you know. Yours is about parenting and mine is about perfection and someone else’s is about money . . . . Transparency among therapists is so needed in health care! If doctors and social workers, dentists and counselors, and all the others,too, could / would speak up about the holes they’ve stepped into and the hardest of lessons learned and the mistakes they’ve most certainly made, I believe our individual disciplines would be so much stronger and our health care system would be so much healthier! Ah, yes, another soap box for me to get on!)
Thank you Elizabeth for the book reccomendation! I will definitely check it out. It sounds like I can relate pretty well to something like that.
Tamara, you asked me what I am afraid of happening, and through the course of this discussion I think that has changed. Initially, I worried that my children could be identified and harm could come to them if someone chose to seek them out. This is not likely I am learning, so I dug deeper.
Then, I worried that as Elizabeth describes it, at my most “human” moments, I make mistakes, especially as a parent. I felt as though I would be a hypocrite if I did not model perfectly the parenting style I teach in public.
However, the fact that I posted this blog (thanks Tamara for graciously hosting it) tells me more about who I am as both a professional and a mother in reality. I have the same fears I know many parents and non-parents have about myself and my work. But I acknowledge these and I seek help around them. This is what I hope for everyone who comes to see me, and this is what I hope to pass on to my children.
Anything I posted here I would be happy for my clients to know, insecurities and all. I also believe transparency enriches health care immensely, Tamara! So, having posted this with my name, I am making the decision to leave my name unchanged. From both a marketing and personal perspective, I feel it is the right choice for me.
As far as any repercussions from my decision, you are right Elizabeth, life happens. I will address any concerns as they come up. And I will report back here to let you know what happened! 🙂 Thank you to everyone who made comments, I am so pleased with the discussion, all wonderful points. If there are any additional comments, I would love to read them also, but just wanted to give an update on what my thoughts are currently.
Amanda, thanks so you, I’m working on a proposal this week to present on compassion – for our clients and ourselves:)
Hello Amanda,
I wanted to express my sincerely appreciation for your openness in sharing your thoughts and questions. I have experienced criticisms, complaints, and limited stalking behaviours by someone (family) who was very close to me. The individual was concerned that they would be connected to me because I chose to use my name in both my practice and on my website.
I decison to use my name was due to the ‘recognition factor’ which helped to promote my practice. I’ve worked in three provinces and in the UK, so name recognition was an important consideration. However, I do not have children at home, so did not face the questions you have struggled with.
Your comments also reminded me of discussions I’ve had with Child Protection Social Workers, who live and work in small towns and rural areas and dealt with similar issues.
I enjoyed reading all the posts with the ideas, suggestions, and observations related to this particular issues.
Best of luck in your practice and parenthood!
Dianne
Hi, Dianne! Welcome back! And, thanks for addressing the other request from Amanda – to hear from others that have had bad experiences with clients or family members because of their work in mental health. Using my personal name in my business also allowed me to “trade” on the reputation that I had developed and it was certainly a big part in my ultimate decision to stick with my name for my clinical practice. Dianne, given some of the situations that you’ve mentioned above, I’m wondering what steps you have taken to minimize the fallout.
My life and my family’s lives have definitely been impacted by my choice to be a mental health professional – on so many different levels. Like many entrepreneurs, my income varies from month to month. There are certain things (like my clients!) that I cannot discuss with my family. I am more conscious of how the public (as potential referral sources and clients) views me – both on and off the clock. And, I have been stalked by a client, too.
What I have learned over time is that the clearer i.e. sometime that translates to being more blunt or rigid I am with my clients about boundaries, the less negative interactions I have experienced with my clients. And, in hindsight, my initial reluctance to “not hurt feelings” or “not offending” or whatever I called it was, every single time, about my own baggage getting in the way. And, my disclosure statement has repeatedly been revised (and, as a result, gotten longer) as I’ve included more parameters and explanations addressing some of those potential problem areas. I’ve also learned to trust that little voice inside that says “this guy isn’t safe” rather than waiting to understand why I might feel that way. And, that often translates into being ready and willing to refer a potential client out to a colleague or agency.
Hi Dianne!
Like Tamara, I am curious also as to how you handled this situation? I think that even as I prepare myself for uncomfortable, mostly awkward, but potentially risky situations, there may be something I do not foresee and I could find myself in a situation where boundaries are crossed, despite my best efforts to keep them in place. I do live and work in a town that feels like a small town and have already had awkward run ins that I had prepared for, but as I continue to grow my practice, the impact my professional choice has and will continue to have on my family has become more evident.
I appreciate you sharing that my concern could be warranted, and any additional feedback on how to best maneuver these situations would be apprecaited. Thanks for posting!
Hello Everyone, lots of interesting comments and ideas.
Once I realized there was an personal issue, I quickly severed the link between my website and my personal FB pages. Then I went on a quest searching for ethical guidelines regarding the use of social media. Given the popularity of social media, and the increased use of cybercounselling, I was surprised to find that some regulatory bodies did not have clear guidelines regarding the ethical use of social media. I also discovered that some Codes of Ethics do not include standards for using social media for their members. How could this be? The use of social media by professionals has been around for a long time. Yet, feel professional organizations, have taken steps to develop adequate guidelines. This is just plain shocking!
I recently completed an 8 week The Foundations of Cybercounselling course though the Distance Ed, University of Toronto. It was extremely informative. I recommend anyone thinking of offering cybercounselling check out programs. It opened my eyes to many ethical considerations
@ Amanda
Like Tamara, my Client Services Agreement has grown over the past several months with the inclusion of my social media policy. I also advise clients they do not need to acknowledge me if they see me in public – I live in a small city. Develop your intuition about clients and listen to your instincts. I also rent an interview room from a local NPO if I have concerns. Make sure you use safety procedures: sit near the door, if the client is agitated, casually scan for potential weapons, practice deescalating techniques, and know when to leave. Always let someone know where you are and when you are expected to return home. practical strategies. If someone came to my door, I think I’d just be very brief and ask them to call me the next work day. Of course, the idea situation may not be the most practical situation.
Hope this is helpful
Dianne
Dianne
Diane, like you, when I dipped my toe into social media, I went looking for guidelines and standards of practice but found none. Thankfully, colleagues like Keely Kolmes, Psy.D. have been generous in helping craft guidelines for mental health professionals as organizations attempt to catch up in establishing formal position statements and standards of practice. Thank you for adding to our stash of opportunities to learn by recommending The Foundations of Cybercounselling course.
I also appreciate your suggestion to developing intuition. Like many therapists, I have always been good at reading people and situations. However, reading those same people and situations in clinical settings takes an entirely new level of skills. I am, admittedly, much better at that now than I was 20 years ago and I don’t really think that was about formal learning. That was about time and experience and learning to listen even better to that little voice inside of me that says “safe,” “not safe,” or “I don’t know.” Your recommendation to Amanda and others to learn to listen to her own instincts and, more importantly, to learn to ferret out the reality from our own fears (along with being proactive and having backup plans) is excellent advice for us all.
Thank you for taking time to share your wisdom!
Thank you Dianne for your recommendations on practical safety precautions. While I took several courses in my graduate program that mentioned safety precautions, I find in incredibly helpful o be reminded of them now that I am out here in the “real world.” Thank you!
This is a fascinating discussion! I would like to pipe in a bit about the judgment aspect. When I was first starting out, I had several clients drop out at once and started to feel like I wasn’t a good therapist. But as I looked at it more clearly, it wasn’t about me at all. Each of them were resistant to the work involved in counseling and decided not to continue at this time. Everyone is on their own journey. Sometimes it just isn’t the right time in the journey for counseling. So long as folks keep going to humans for counseling, they will continue to run across imperfect counselors/parents/spouses/etc. That does not mean they aren’t good therapists. Judgment is seldom about the one being judged. I recommend having some empathy within yourself for those who do judge, rather than trying to prevent it…..
Jamie, welcome to Private Practice from the Inside Out! I don’t think I’ve met you yet!
You’re picking up on the need for perspective as it relates to judgment. I really appreciate the space and generosity that comes with your reference to everyone being “on their own journey.” It’s true, isn’t it?! I don’t think that clients even want perfect counselors / parents / spouses. Instead, I think they want perfectly human i.e. fallible counselors / parents / spouses. Someone once told me that perfection is the enemy of good enough and, in my life, that seems to be true.
I often remind clients that my feelings, my thoughts, and my behaviors (i.e. choices) are always about me (and my history) and . . . their thoughts, their feelings, and their behaviors are always . . . 100% of the time . . . about themselves and their histories. Its a stance that I did not easily embrace when it was first presented to me. However, over time, I’ve learned to lean into it and actively seek out the “hows” and the “whys” that would support this view. Now, it is one of my core beliefs that allows me to more easily find space for you and your way and honor my own (often different) path, too.
The only thing I would take issue with you on, Jamie, is your reference to clients being “resistant.” I don’t believe in resistance – at least not as it’s applied to clients. I believe that a therapist’s job is to make the setting safe enough and to chunk the work down small enough that it’s palatable for a client. When we fail to do so, it’s easier for us to say that the client is resistant; however, I think that what it really means is that the client was constrained by the limitations of the therapist.
(By the way, this is another one of those concepts that I did not embrace when it was initially presented to me. Some would say that I was resistant to this way of thinking. I would say that I felt very challenged and very threatened at the possibility of that client not progressing being about me and my limitations rather than it being about my client.)
Now I challenge my supervisees even if they really do believe in “resistant clients” to explore the possibility of resistance being our own (therapists’) defense mechanism against seeing and owning our own baggage and limitations. Even if it’s just a word game that you play with yourself, the results can be enlightening and skills-expanding. And, whether like me, you eschew the concept entirely, play word games with yourself just to stretch, or can’t possibly see past all those “resistant clients” out there, the end results are the same . . . . If clients don’t see results or can’t move forward, they leave us and move on to other professionals and other circumstances that better support them in getting their needs met on their journeys.
Thanks, Jamie, for dropping in and expanding the conversation. I hope you’ll be back often to share your thoughts as we continue to build our online community here at Private Practice from the Inside Out!
On more than one occasion I had a client (in my case parents since I work with children) drop out after one or two sessions without explanation. I perceived it as resistance or that I wasn’t a good fit for them. I then get calls from potential new clients who tell me they got my name from so and so and that they raved about how helpful I was. They got what they needed they just didn’t take the time to tell me.
Yes! I’ve had that happen, too, Pam. Don’t you hate it when you haven’t had an opportunity to terminate in a more gradual way? Happy to have folks get what they need but it doesn’t always meet my need to get that feedback!
Hi! Yes, I am new here….I just found you. I hope to be back! You have definitely given me some food for thought. I’m going to have to “chew” on that a while. I do believe that clients often bypass their therapists in their healing journey. And I could see where it could be problematic to never look at yourself (the practitioner) and the role you play. I’m just not sure I am at the same place you are at accepting there isn’t any such thing as a resistant client. Maybe we are playing on semantics here with the word resistant. Hope we didn’t stray too far of the original topic 🙂
Haha. Yes, Jamie, I know what you mean about semantics being present. I’m sure they are for me. Sometimes playing with semantics just helps me get unstuck. I worked with court- ordered and coersed clients clients – both adults and teens – and I remember some of those challenges that both I and my colleagues called resistance at the time.
Happy to have you “chew” for a while and reach back out on this same topic. (I never close commenting so five years from now, it’s possible that we’ll still be talking about this.) And, like face to face conversations, I expect our online conversations to meander a bit, too. It’s how we’ve been able to build such a tight knit community, I think, as we’ve been able to glean little bits of personalities and interests.
Have a great weekend!
I reacted to this article on twitter and Tamara invited me to leave a comment. But the comments have been interesting to read. I think being a parent is part of who you are and probably informs your work with children. Being yourself, means not having to worry too much if you let out that you are a parent, I think this is different than disclosing something more clinically sensitive. I think your clients want you to be real, so I say be yourself and be who you say you are.
Hi, Andrew! Thanks for dropping in to share your thoughts. I appreciate your tweets and your comments here, too! Your point that who we are informs what we bring to our clients seems on target. However, I think that it’s important to make conscious choices about what we introduce into our counseling sessions. Oftentimes, it just seems inappropriate to introduce my family members into the clinical hour even though my experiences with them may inform that same hour. I appreciate that Amanda is taking her clients’ needs into consideration before commenting on her role as a parent. Being real and being who she says she is doesn’t always require identifying in her role as parent – However, choosing not to identify in that role solely based on fear doesn’t seem like that would be in the clients’ best interest either.
Andrew, I hope you’ll drop back in often to chat. I so appreciate having marriage and family therapists’ voices here in our community!
.Amanda,
Your guest post has brought forth a lively discussion. I appreciate people like you who are willing to ask the questions publically and I appreciate Tamara’s ability to graciously host the discussion.
The layers of awkwardness, feeling judged, safety, being honest and trustworthy, as well as therapist self-care are insightful comments. I have wrestled with many of the same issues as I was launching my practice. I found it useful to have my own counselor and I also hired a coach to help me sort out how to form and grow my practice.
I believe having both allowed me to sort out what was best for me and best for my business. I have a career as a therapist and I provide coaching but I am not my business. I know this may sound strange and I believe it has helped me to claim my place comfortably in both worlds.
Also, Harriet Lerner is worth the read.
Take care, Brenda
CreatingYourBeyond.com
Oh, yes, Brenda! “I am not my business!”
I am not my business but it is a reflection of who I am – or at least one reflection of who I am. I think about this when I meet therapists who are territorial i.e. so fear based that they don’t share encouragement for colleagues or tools they use in their practices or their contacts and network with others who could benefit from them.
This reminds me of Maya Angelou’s declaration . . . “When someone tells you who they are . . . believe them!”
Yes Tamara, I agree and was thinking this after I posted. I rarely talk about myself as a parent with my clients and definitely see the need to use conscious choices. On occasion it comes up and I have answered when asked. But I often using my experience as a parent with clients and parents, as well as my writing. In fact, I am wrestling with how much to disclose in my writing on my website. My goal is to be real & genuine because this is when the writing really flows. On occasion I have written a blog post that shares something I have done as a parent. Blogging as a therapist is not so straightforward, but I hope to learn as I go.
Andrew, I’m not a parent but certainly have other life experiences that I may choose to share with a client on occasion. Sometimes I am able to present those experiences without inserting me into the story. In others, it seems important to the client’s work that I do insert me into the story.
I think all health bloggers – especially mental health bloggers – must consider when and how much self disclosure is appropriate. And, truthfully, we need to consider those things for both clinical and business reasons. In addition to my life experiences, I also have strong opinions about a lot of things so I am forever having to watch my words. Words matter.
Andrew, thank you for sharing your thoughts on blogging as a therapist. Through this experience alone, I have seen that my professional, public life directly impacts my personal life and vice-versa. For the most part, I am thankful the learning experiences I encounter when my two worlds cross. My personal life informs me as therapist and being a therapist informs me as a mother, a wife, a daughter and friend. We wear many hats in our day and I do think there is a need for professionals to share what they learn as they juggle their hats. If you do start a blog that speaks to being a therapist and professional, I would love to read it!
Amanda, I was referring to the articles and blog posts that I have posted on my private practice website. They are focused on parenting for the most part, not so much blogging about being a therapist. My aim is to have the articles be a resource for parents , and to allow potential clients to get to know me a little. The website is under my real name, so I am putting myself out there. It is a little scary, but I always seem to find strength in writing, so that helps. I have had little interest in reading other therapist blogs because I want to find my own voice and not imitate others. I have found inspiration from other bloggers, in other fields. But that also makes me uncertain I have struck the right tone in the articles. I am excited to be able to have a site under my own name though and I am trying to have it be an authentic expression of my professional self. I seem to be writing a lot of articles that pertain to toddlers because that is what I have at home right now. It is easy to write about what I see everyday. But I have not mentioned my parental role much at all in the writing. If you click my name it takes you to my private practice site. By the way thanks for your honesty in your article and for promoting so much discussion.
Don’t change your name or your children’s names. Be true to who you are. You asked if you were being paranoid—the answer is yes. Now get out there ands share your talents with this world. We need your many gifts. We need the everyday- living examples you and your family bring to the human race and to our community. Be there everyday by being human right along with the rest of us sharing, modeling, and teaching others compassion, integrity and morals. We need you. Thank you. Kristene Elmore
Well said, Kristene! I love your conviction and your clarity! That really is what we need, isn’t it? More integrity, more compassion (both for self and others), and more sharing of the gifts each of us brings into this world!
Thanks for dropping in to say so! Much appreciated!
(BTW – I looked for you at Colorado Counseling Association’s annual conference back in March but didn’t find you there. Hope to run into you soon!)
Thanks Kristene!
I, too, appreciate your conviction and clarity in what you say. But, I am reminded of something whe I read your post. I agree with you that the world needs more perfectly flawed human role models to demonstrate compassion and integrity. I strive to be ths person and teach others to be this person as well, but what does being that person have to do with my name? I changed my name when I got married, but I coninue to be the same person, more or less. People change and grow daily, yes, but for me, I did not change because I changed my name. I can be my true self no matter what other people call me or see my business listed as. I am reminded of that famous scene in Shakespear’s epic play, Romeo and Juliet where Juliet questions, “What is in a name…Would a rose by any other name not smell so sweet…?” From a therapeutic, and even human perspective, who would know the difference if I never changed my name when I got married? I would still be the therapist I am today.
Hey, Amanda . . . . I don’t think so. As a client, I want to believe that you are who you say you are. We are building a relationship built on trust. If, as your client, I am sharing my most intimate parts with you, I would like to believe that you are willing to at least share your real name with me.
And, maybe you are thinking that as a client I might not know that your business name is not your real name. That might be true but . . . tiny little lies have a way of becoming little wedges in relationships. I might not actually know your real name but I believe that I would feel that you were not 100% in the professional relationship with me. Something just wouldn’t feel right. And, of course, if I actually found out that your name was something other than you had initially presented to me, I would feel betrayed, hurt (that you didn’t trust me), possible scared and suspicious of your real motives. In fact, I think I would wonder if you were a criminal or trying to evade the law or the IRS or something. I definitely would not trust you!
And, on the other side of that equation . . . I’m not proud to say that I have told seemingly tiny little white lies and they have been wedges . . . and have frequently come back to haunt me with bigger implications than I could have possibly imagined. More importantly, I have known the truth and I haven’t felt good . . . about keeping a story straight or compromising my integrity. As I’ve learned better, I’ve done better. After all, it really is an issue of integrity for me.
Amanda, I wonder what would happen if you actually put all of your cards on the table with your clients i.e. got really clear about and talked about your boundaries with your clients . . . . Talked about how you “make up stuff” and asked if your clients have ever “made up stuff.” I’m not suggesting you need to do this . . . . I’m just wondering aloud . . . .
Hey Tamara,
I thought I better clarify a little bit more about my name. I would never operate a business or present myself to clients as anyone other than my legal name. Any changes would be legally who I am, and I do not see this as misleading to clients. I changed my name when I got married and any potential changes would be back to my maiden name. And that name would be who I legally am, the name used by my friends and family and potential clients. I don’t think my clients feel betrayed currently when they find out that my name is my married name, and I kind of see changing my name back as a similar situation. It is not a completely new name, it would be my given name.
I like your thinking on laying our cards out on the table for our clients. I know being a people pleaser I have caught myself saying things or agreeing with statements that do not necessarily match what I really think. If it is something I feel could potentially lead to problems, I try to bring it up and correct it. I do this in my personal life, too. But, to be as open as to say that I at times “make stuff up” or tell white lies, I have never used those words in a session, but I can see potential therapeutic benefit for the conversation to happen in some circumstances. I am going to have to think about that some more! Has anyone else ever had to do that?
OK, so in my head “saying things or agreeing with statements that do not necessarily match what I really think” are little white lies. And, as a fellow people-pleaser, I think we do that more often than we would like to admit. Perhaps that sounds a bit harsh or rigid to you but I have found that I am brilliant at playing word games with myself to make those very statements out to be “in the best interest” of the person I’m talking to, “the right thing to do” given the circumstances, etc. In that manner, I feel more than a little kinship to alcoholics in that I am able justify just about anything that makes me or you more comfortable!
I do think I misunderstood your consideration for a name change, though. I didn’t realize that you would be changing it back to your maiden name. To me, that doesn’t feel like a lie or that you are misrepresenting who you are. I thought that you might be picking a name out of a hat and using that one (although legally) as an alias that had no other continuity in your life. Now I understand better why you included the link in your article to women getting married who were considering retaining their maiden names! Just completely missed that connection!
And, you are right, lots of women retain the use of their maiden name in business and I see no reason why you cannot do the same. The only piece in my mind that warrants a closer look in this situation is your own motivation and anxiety related to your children for two reasons . . . . You (and your children) deserve to enjoy your parenting years with as little anxiety as possible and making personal / business decisions based on fear is never a good idea. I would encourage you to clear up all of the anxiety and then make the choice that works best for you, your business, and your family . . . and not the other way around.
Three things to add to this discussion:
When I was starting my practice, I was advised to use my own name for my practice name, because otherwise if someone wants to sue you, they can sue both you the individual person, *and* your practice. Double whammy. But if you and your practice are the same thing, as evidenced by having the same name, then you can only be sued once. I’m no lawyer, and I don’t know whether (and/or where) this is true. Or how likely it is that someone who wants to sue you would actually pursue both avenues. But it’s what convinced me to use my own name as my practice name.
I also assume that most of my clients google me at some point, and would easily figure out that my practice name corresponds to me, even if it had a different name. It’s a short leap from there for them to find out about my family members. I just looked myself up on Radaris (a site that searches public records for a given name) and found a whole bunch of my family members listed, as well as every address I’ve lived at in the past two decades. Yikes. That was a little scary! I figure trying to hide that stuff is pretty much a lost cause. So, then, it becomes part of my job is to come to terms with the fact that that information is out there if anyone wants to look for it.
I also wonder about the idea of using a different name for yourself professionally and personally. I get the impression that that is what you are considering, Amanda. Is that right? Are they both truly your name? Then it might make sense to me. But otherwise, if I did that type of thing, I would wonder how that would affect my relationship with my clients. I aspire to be pretty genuine with my clients. I think that serves them best. I wonder whether using a false name (or a name that I use only with them) would take something away from that.
– Peg
Hi Peg,
Thank you for the practical advice on consulting a lawyer before we start up a private practice. This is sound advice that is well worth the time and money for anyone out there just starrting out. I wanted to respond to your inquiry about my name, too. I mentioned earlier that if I did change my name it would be back to my maiden name. Part of me wishes I never would have changed it, simply because I wanted to keep some distance between my name I use in my practice and my children as they go to school. Wigfield is not a very common name and living where I work stressed me out a little bit. I would be known as my maiden name professionally and personally. Through this disucssion and my own personal journey, I am learning however, that yes, it is super easy for someone to find me if they truly wanted to and I must take precautions for that as best as I can in this day of easy access through technology. I will control what I can control and not worry about everything not in my control.
Hi All!
Just read the entire thread and **wow** great comments, insights, and suggestions!
Amanda — thank you for being boldly honest with each of us! I appreciate your situation and value that you’ve given this much thought and have opened it up to the therapeutic community’s input. From where I sit, Amanda, this openness and willingness to consider others’ input takes strength and courage. Your last statement on the 05/10/12, 10:15 AM post, “I will control what I can control and not worry about everything not in my control” seems to be such a freeing point of view.
Steve Maraboli says it well in his book, Life, the Truth, and Being Free: “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” Here’s to you, Amanda!
PS – I wonder how your important decision will impact you and your practice next, Amanda? If we consider the quote above, I’m thinking in “incredible” and wonderful ways!
(Thanks for hosting this lively discussion, Tamara!)
Barbara, I’m so glad you could drop in this evening! I so appreciate your encouraging words. It’s a perfect example of the amazing support that folks find in this online community.
Thank you Barbara for your words of wisdom! I do feel that recognizing what I can control and when I can/should is the key to much of my peace of mind. When I find myself feeling off, or upset, it usually goes back to something that is out of my control. Letting go of that control or realizing my best attempts to control it are futile has been my saving grace is several situations. Now the key for all of us I think, is to continue to know when something is truly in our control and when it is not. Also, I think giving helpers like us permission to let something go goes a long way in keeping this helping field full of wonderful, safe, non burnt out therapists.
Oh, my gosh! You guys (and my friends in 12-Step programs) are so right about this whole control thing! It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer i.e. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and, the wisdom to know the difference.” When I finally do get that I can’t do anything about X, it feels so freeing!
I remember early on in my career getting so frustrated with the paperwork and . . . the humongous caseloads in the agencies I worked in . . . and the politics that often seemed so frustrating and hurtful . . . . My coping skills back then were to get frustrated, complain, feel taken for granted, complain to my peers, and eventually leave the job . . . for what I always thought was greener pastures. Of course, like leaving one relationship to move on to the next, the packaging appeared different but the “gift” was still the same.
It took me about 10 years in the field to realize that there are things I can change and things I cannot and knowing the difference . . . and when I can contribute to making a difference . . . . Well, like I said . . . it creates a whole new level of freedom and joy to really know where I can affect change and where I cannot. . And, I think you are right, Amanda, that not knowing those limits or resisting those limits really does contribute to burnout in our profession!
Amanda, I congratulate you on thinking about the choices you make and weighing them, rather than just letting things happen without thought. That seems to me to be a very good quality in a therapist.
One thing which has not come up in this thread, however, is the possible effects of a name change (whether yours or your children’s) on your children! I had a legal name change of my first name almost 25 years ago. This was before I was a therapist and done for strictly personal reasons to improve my mental health (and it did that). I still had two children at home and one in college when I did this. At the time I told one of them, his response was “As long as you are still ‘Mom,’ it’s okay.” However, about a year ago he told me that my name change had been very hard on him emotionally. Had I changed the children’s names, (which I was not considering), I think it would have been VERY disturbing to their sense of identity.
I admire my daughter-in-law for not taking my son’s name when she married him because she felt that she wanted her name to be the same as her childrens’–for their sake. This even though it was the name of the man she had divorced!
Only you can decide what is best for you and for your children, but my experiences would lead me to decide that the benefits of keeping an intact family name when the cause of the change is only a theoretical possibility might be far greater than the risks when making a change that is strictly for professional reasons.
I think you’ve done what protecting you reasonably can by using a name for your business that is not your personal name and by separating private and public in social media. Good luck to you!
Susan Joy
Hi Susan! Thank you for weighing on ths topic! I know it has not come up in this thread, but it has definitely come up in my mind and in my discussions at home. When I changed my name when I got married, it was before I had children and before I entered the counseling world. When my children were born, I gave them our name without considering professional implications for me because I had not made the decision to do private practice yet. Now that it has been a concern, while I have decided to keep my name the same as my children’s, to anyone out there considering the same scenario and wanting to take the other approach I feel it necessary to say that I would take great care in explaining my reasoning to my kids and making sure they were on board. Being a play therapist, I know that children of a very young age can absolutely be affected by such a change, and I would recommend play therapy for any kid who is having trouble adjusting to such a change. Maybe a session around the possible implications in an age appropriate way.
Amanda,
This whole topic is to me extremely important, and is not only relevant for those of us who have children. I’m glad you have been able to reach a decision that feels comfortable to you, but had you reached the opposite decision, I would have been just as supportive. You must do what is right for you; if warning bells are going off for you, and your gut is trying to tell you something, I think you should listen. Isn’t that what you would tell a client?
I this “everybody needs to know everything right this second” world we are entering into, the technology seems to be only fantastic and beneficial, but as we are beginning to see (and I think will continue to find), it can also be so detrimental in very many ways. I have chosen to remain as “off-line” as I possibly can, e.g. no facebook, twitter, posting pictures online, no clients having access to my cell phone etc., in order to protect myself and to at least feel I have some control over/have some sense of privacy. Yes, a client, or a malcontent, can find you if they really want, but I am determined to make it as difficult as possible for them to do so. I believe that if I had children, I would feel even more determined to make this true.
Once you have had your “moat” crossed, or been threatened by a client, your attitude may change (it also may not effect you, because everything there is to know is already out there). I had a client who openly threatened me during a session, stating that if I ever reported her to Child Protective Services, she would kill me. I tried to remain calm and reiterated my duty to report, despite her threat. Sure enough, several weeks later I had to report her and she got a hold of my home number. You can guess the rest. Although I had p.j.’s and a robe on when I answered the phone, the minute I heard her voice, I felt naked (and of course scared out of my mind).
In essence what I want to get accross is that I believe the job we do has serious and potentially life-altering/threatening responsibilities. That’s enough responsibility. While you cannot control everything, the more “potential” threat you remove from the picture, the less chance that an angry or disturbed client will actually act, if he/she has to go through multiple channels to find you/your children.
How your children behave when you’re not around is probably not as big a deal as you think it is. I’ve been challenged many times in this regard e.g. “Do you have children? Then what would you know about it?” vein. You’ve probably handled challanges before: “So your children must be perfect then, right?” etc. or whatever, depending on what they know or guess about you.
I also agree with the comment about making it clear from the beginning what you will and won’t do in an emergency situation, as well as what you WILL do in a threatening one. This is probably more important than anything else, because eventually your kids are going to say: “Oh, my mommy is a therapist. That’s her, right over there.”
Lisa
Lisa! Welcome to Private Practice from the Inside Out and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts about this topic. I particularly appreciate you affirming Amanda’s own process and choices. It really is so easy for us to say what is and isn’t possible, what should and shouldn’t happen in her and her family’s lives but we really haven’t been in her shoes. We don’t really know what informs her concerns / anxiety and methods of coping with these things, can we?
Your references to safety and danger also ring true for me. And, at least in my experience, being prepared for those emergency situations and those unexpected situations (like “Oh, my mommy is a therapist . . . .”) really is the best way to protect yourself. If you’ve thought about those possibilities ahead of time, research shows that we really are better prepared to contend with them. And, I think that’s exactly what Amanda is doing . . . considering the possibilities ahead of time, seeking input from other professionals, and then making the best plans and choices that fit her particular family’s needs.
Thanks, Lisa, for reminding us about the emergency and threatening situations. It’s something that most new professionals may not even consider! I hope you’ll drop back in often to chat as we continue to build our strong and vibrant private practices together!
This is a big issue and I think brings up some interesting considerations. For the purpose of the replying, I am going to simplify my response. In general, I have learned to become comfortable with not being “anonymous”. As an intern and newly licensed therapist, I remember feeling the need to remain anonymous with my clients. I think this grew from my fears and insecurities and desire for control. Rather than continue to find ways to remain anonymous and maintain the illusion of control. I learned to let go of this and become more comfortable all the assorted ways that my clients may learn different things about me and my family. I do know some therapists that practice in a different town to avoid this issue and maintain anonymity, however they pay a price- in their commute for one thing! I might feel differently about this if I worked with a high risk clientele. My clientele is generally lower risk and high functioning. P.S. I do have two children. I have been licensed since 2003.
Hey, Susan! Thanks so much for talking about your own journey! I think that’s really helpful to a lot of folks in this online community.
Can you talk about how you learned to let go of those anxieties and desire for control? Did that just happen? Were you aware of those at the time and consciously choose to work on them? I know that I was aware of some of my insecurities early on in the profession but over the last 30 years I got much better at recognizing and owning my own stuff. Only in hindsight did I recognize some of those tendencies as being about my fears.
Hi Tamara, Boy that is a good question. hmmm…I do not think I was aware of them at the time and did not consciously choose to work on them. It was a process that unfolded over time. I think because I dealt with the situations and the fears rather than adding precaution after precaution to avoid things I was afraid of, I got comfortable-faced my fears. Kind of a systematic desensitization process. 🙂 Honestly I think there was a part of me that was afraid of my clients a little in the beginning. Not the actual clients in the therapy room, but the hypothetical, mythical client that I imagined. Yes, there are clients who have harmed therapists, just like there are teachers who have harmed students, and so on and so on. Fortunately these kinds of things are actually rare in occurrence. I don’t think any kind of name change arrangement would help protect privacy. If you are practicing in the same town that you are living in, you will deal with privacy issues and my advice is to accept it and deal with it on a case by case basis and it will be ok. However, I can respect if someone really does not feel comfortable with this and then my advice is to consider practicing in a different town. Then you won’t have your kiddos in schools with your clients and won’t run into your clients at the pediatrician office, dentist office, out for ice cream, at the park, etc., etc., etc! 🙂
I’m not sure if I can do this justice in a message post. But I do want to mention that while I put my client’s need first in their therapy and I am ethical and follow legal and ethical guidelines. There is also a part of the equation that involves myself-it is my profession, my practice and needs to work for me. This is why I have drawn the line and decided to let the chips fall where they may for some things. For example, I want to have an office close to my house because it makes my life a lot easier in general on a day to day basis. I want to keep my name the way it is because it is my name. If it confuses people, so be it. We can process that. 🙂 I have a spanish last name. It is my married name. I get a lot of calls looking for a spanish speaking therapist and I don’t speak spanish. When I was running parenting groups in an agency before I started in private practice someone suggested I might want to use a different name because the flyers with my name were leading to lots of calls from people looking for a spanish parenting class. Well, the flyers were in english so I didn’t see the problem and wasn’t going to change my name just because of assumptions. I’d rather just deal with the assumptions and I continue to deal with it frequently. 🙂 There are numerous issues that come up but I need to live my life and be who I am. I need to be a genuine and authentic person. I don’t do much self disclosure in session. A little, when appropriate and I think it is something that would be beneficial to them. But I am focused on my client and their issue, not mine. I don’t have personal stuff in my office (like family pics). But I’m not going to change my name or anything like that to prevent them from knowing who I am. I am focused on my client in the therapy session. But that doesn’t mean I am going to hide myself or my family in general or when I am outside the therapy room engaging in life.
I didn’t read all the comments but I did read the first couple and completely agree with the first two comments: by Mary Witt and Tamara.
To respond to some specific questions that were posed:
Has anyone out there been the victim of stalking? No
or uncomfortable situations when their client gained some information about you? Yes, several times, it really wasn’t that big of a deal and was dealt with.
And second, has anyone ever felt judged or been asked to account for the behavior of their family members or friends once a connection is made back to you? No.
Susan, I so appreciate you sharing your journey and you noting the need to balance what is in your client’s best interest and what is in your own. When we sat in our ethics classes in graduate school, so much of what we were presented with was very clear cut. Out here in the real world, choices are much more complex and what is good for the client is not always good for the therapist – and vice versa!
I live in a small town and the issue of people knowing your or your family is something that is unavoidable. I don’t even have the same name as my step kids and their classmates, who have been clients, and who see me at conferences, football games, etc always put two and two together. I’ve learned to coach my kids to redirect the conversation pretty quickly if someone asks about “their stepmom the therapist”.
I recently decided to take my husband’s last name legally and simply update our state licensing board that I will be doing business under my maiden name. I work for a mental health center so if I change my name, the agency will have to re-credential me with every insurance company which could stop me from seeing clients all together. The HR folks explained that my payroll stuff has to match my legal name but the name I sign on clinical notes will stay my maiden unless I update my license. The fees alone have steered me away from doing that.
Jurdene, thank you for taking the time to share you experience.
Working in rural areas and small towns, much like working in a narrow subset of a larger community, often complicates and can even further restrict our lives as therapists.
Your situation is a perfect example of this and it’s one that therapists-in-training are often unaware of until after they’ve completed their graduate work and actually entered into the field to work.
Thank you for taking time to point this out so that other therapists coming behind you may enter the field better informed about the costs involved in becoming an ethical and effective therapist.
I have been contemplating creating a “public figure” kind of name for myself, and legally changing my name. Here’s why:
1. I have never identified with my name. It used to be Shanna Williams. Firstly, Shanna is hard to pronounce and sounds to my ears “trashy”. Williams was at least understood, but I never liked my bio-father, so…
2. After marriage, it changed to Shanna Monahan, and that was what I started my practice of 13yrs under. However, oddly, now ALL of my name is hard to pronounce/spell/remember.
3. Now I’m divorcing. My mother kept her married last name when I was a child because socially it made dealing with doctors or teachers less confusing. But that was in the 80s. Keeping my dead relationship’s name seems depressing, but change it to what? Williams again? Why? I don’t identify with that any more than Monahan.
4. I’m a sex therapist. That, in and of itsself, is problematic for my safety/privacy and my children’s too.
5. I’d like to be more of a public figure, producing books, seminars, on-line content, and I’d much rather have a catchy or easy name for that purpose alone. But if I did that, I’d honestly love to change my WHOLE name. But as a therapist, would that maybe make me look, you know, crazy? A woman in her 40s suddenly going by some made-up name?
So I guess I’m having an identity crisis, lol!
Hi, Shanna! Thanks so much for dropping in here to continue this discussion.
You are bringing up some really interesting things aspects related to choosing a name.
It’s personal, isn’t it?!
When I read this, I understand you to be saying you clearly want to change your entire name.
I don’t hear ambivalence.
And, you seem like you’re clear about your reasons for doing this so no, this doesn’t look crazy.
Besides, who is going to know that you change your name?
I would encourage you to find a name that you feel great about and take it on!
Your greatest challenge may be getting your current clients to transition to your new name so give some thought to how you want to navigate that period of time.