Last Monday, I finished up teaching BlogStart for Therapists. It was the inaugural 4-week series for therapists who are just beginning to blog. While the participants were learning the basics of blogging, I was learning humility. After a false start and a do-over, I thought I should just take a breath and let you know what I’m learning about from the backside of my mistakes. So here’s the story . . . .
Tech Challenged . . . and That’s the Truth!
By 2004, I knew that I needed to put up a website for my private practice but as I’ve told you before . . . I’m tech-phobic. If it has a button and a battery . . . my default mode is “No!” So, I put off putting up a website for my practice for 5 long years after that. I told colleagues that it was because it would “cost too much money.” I told my friends it was because I wanted to figure out how to “build it myself. ” WhatI told myself is that “I should be able to figure out on my own what to say, how to fill out a simple template, and choose the graphics that would favorably position my practice online.” But, truthfully . . . what I should have said is that “I’m terrified and overwhelmed by the whole ordeal!”
Appearances are Deceiving
I know that doesn’t appear to be the case because you obviously see me comfortable blogging for you guys and active on social media. However, the truth is that at 53 years of age, I have only last month created my fifth Power Point (ever!) and purchased my first smart phone just last week. What you need to know is that every step of the way . . . I have had my heels dug in. Learning and using technology for me is not fun. It doesn’t come naturally. There’s nothing logical about any of it . . . at least not in my brain.
Star Bursts and Spirals
My partner would probably say that all of this drama around technology is because it requires simple logic and my brain tends to move in starbursts and spirals rather than a straight line! It’s true. I know it. And, mostly I love that about me . . . except when it comes to machines with buttons and batteries. Just wait . . . you’ll see what I mean.
Choosing Courage
So, I should back up and say that some people make New Year’s resolutions. Not me. I choose a word – a single word – and it’s like a mantra of sorts for me. Last year the word was “YES!” This year, the word is “COURAGE.” Maybe I’ll explain my thinking around that in another post but for now all you need to know is that in the ways that I haven’t done what I really wanted to do in my life, it has always been about fear.
It’s a Bumpy Learning Curve
So . . . back to technology. I’ve put off offering training and support online to therapists for years simply because of fear. But, in 2013, I’m focused on finding my courage and I’ve invited many of you to join me on my journey aka BlogStart for Therapists! Yep – I’m on a huge learning curve this year and I ventured out to host my first tele-class turned webinar (YIKES!). And, well . . . it hasn’t been smooth. That’s definitely not the right word for it. I’ve made mistakes . . . really big, hairy, glaring mistakes . . . in every single class. (So many mistakes that it’s reminiscent of I Love Lucy in the candy factory!)
Lessons Learned
And, this is what I’ve learned . . . .
- It’s never too late to learn. I really am trainable . . . still.
- Underneath much of my fear is pride. I don’t want to look incompetent. The funny thing about this one is that I never promised to be great . . . creating Power Points and webinars! I promised to help therapists get better at blogging to build strong practices.
- A little self-deprecating humor goes a long way. My class was great about laughing with me (and not at me) and reaching out back channel to offer encouragement and support along with their own challenges related to technology.
- Stretching doesn’t kill me. It just makes me stronger . . . and smarter . . . and more humble . . . and grateful for all the little lessons that sometimes come in ugly packages.
- And, most important of all . . . good does not equal perfect.
So today I’m wondering . . . where is it that your fear gets in your way in building your private practice?
Better yet, where is it you are feeling your fear . . . and doing it anyway?
And, by the way . . . what is it you are learning today?
You story sounds like my story. As a technology immigrant I struggle with learning the nuances and trying to keep the “I’m inept” critical self talk at a dull hum. I get the flushed faced, give up, comeback later, buy a book and call the grandkids for help … and still feel less than smooth. However, most of my peers would describe me a fairly tech savvy. The then the imposter syndrome kicks in.
All in all I do ok.
To answer the question about fear. It is completing the book I started last year. I have hit a wall. I know what I need to do, as we all do. The problem is the stuck-ness of being trapped in my internal thoughts which act as barriers. Motivation and commitment is the action I need for my New Year resolution word – commitment.
You’re writing a book, Brenda!? I had no idea! So . . . can’t you at least tease us a bit with what it’s about!?
When I get stuck in my brain, I know it’s time for me to do a brain dump. You know, just throwing up and out and down on to paper whatever it is that’s swirling around in my spiral-y little head. Once it’s down on paper, I can usually see exactly were I need to get to work. I guess that’s how I blog, too. Brain dump . . . spiff it up . . . brain dump . . . spiff it up (or toss it out:).
I’m excited to hear you are writing! Looking forward to learning more. Perhaps it’s time to consider writing a guest post over here . . . . Maybe that’s what it will take to get you moving again on that book . . . ? Consider yourself invited!:)
Luv the Lucy clip!!
Me, too! My mom’s been dead 25 years but this video clip reminds me of her . . . which apparently I resemble:) Thanks for dropping in today!
As a member of your first ever class, it was a fantastic experience. When things went “not as planned” it was really no big deal and even made the class and you (Tamara) a little more human-like. I love your post about courage and the mantra to say YES. I’ve now found the courage to say yes to blogging and am LOVING IT! It’s also nice to know that people are usually pretty forgiving if you are open and honest which is always good to remember when we as professionals put a lot of emphasis on DOING IT RIGHT and not looking crazy:) Thanks again for your candor and ability to connect on a personal level.
Amy, thank you for dropping in to leave such a very kind comment! You’ve made my day! I hope I have an opportunity to work with you again and meet you face to face along our journeys!
Hey, I’m trying to get to your blog right now but cannot. Can you please drop back in here and leave your URL again. I’m betting there was a typo. If you leave it here, I’ll correct it on the back side.
Let me say this speaks to me on every level. I am currently moving my practice from a large group practice after 9 years, and moving into my own solo practice. I am confronting fears moment by moment, clarifying where I have been “lazy”/avoidant over the years, and doing it all anyway. Stretching like that of an intense Yin Yoga class, with lots of reminding self to breathe along the way.Thanks for your authenticity. I am inspired. (and the blog lessons are on my pending to do and I am freaked about all the choices). sigh!
Hi, Heather! And, welcome to Private Practice from the Inside Out! I think you’re new here. So glad you dropped in to chat. Thank you!
Oh, my! I can so relate to those moment-by-moment fears and that magnifying glass on “lazy” / avoidant! Been there! I was telling one of my supervisees yesterday that my family of origin indoctrinated me in “look good,” “be good,” and perfection – without ever speaking those words. The results? Fifty-three years later, I’m still combatting that avoid-at-all cost appearance of less than perfect! Arghhhh! And, that’s exactly what I’ve had staring me in the face during BlogStart for Therapists . . . way too many choice points related to my personal integrity . . . or lack there of.
Doing my best to clean it up as I go. And, you know what? I really could have used your simple little reminder to just B-R-E-A-T-H-E throughout this process. When I would forget . . . I got all wound up. And, when I remembered, everything including my courage showed up over and over again to make the right choices. It was / is an imperfect journey but one that increasingly feels right.
When you get ready for those blog lessons, just breathe. Trust that your resourcefulness and your courage will be there. And, when you forget, I’ll be happy to remind you! (And, be happy to share those blog lessons with you, too! Will probably gear up for another round of BlogStart for Therapists in the fall!)
What a great post Tamara, it’s refreshing to see you being vulnerable and showing us all that to get to the point that you are at, you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Your technophobic tendencies endear you to us, and we appreciate your openness in letting us see what it actually takes to get over that.
I’ve made some mistakes getting to know Aweber – have had an account with them for a while and just barely decided to get good at it. Sent out like 3 broadcasts to my (tiny but growing list). My first thought was “AHHHHH!!!” Then, I had to just relax and let it be. Make a choice, and send out an “oops!” email letting people know that I appreciate them bearing this with me and promise not to overstuff their inboxes. Then I put out a video, which is super hard to do when you feel all that fear, and there were several hiccups with getting people’s access to it worked out. The end of the half hour free video I did actually cut off because the battery on my camera died, so instead of re-recording I did a voiceover for the last 3 minutes to finish up and use that moment to model what I was teaching in the video.
These hard-won technology risks aren’t easy. I’m happy to have some videos on my site and know how to use Aweber, but these things aren’t free. You either pay for someone to coddle you or you pay in risk taking and leaning in. Anyone who invests in this knows it and really resonates when someone like you let’s the sunshine in and tells the dirty little secret that, well, no one is perfect and no one can learn and grow for you. Good show.
Thanks, Kat! I started out with a fabulous Virtual Assistant this last month to coddle me along and am so grateful for her. She is amazing. However, as I have tiptoed in (for the umpteenth time) to trying my hand at Aweber, I’ve sent out my own “Ahhhh!” and an “Oops!” too this last month . . . on more than one occasion. 🙂 Initially I thought of them as little lessons in humility but slowly I’m reframing them to be little lessons in humanity. It’s really quite ridiculous to think that I can teach my clients what I don’t know. And, what I know but still sometimes forget is that good (enough) is not the same as perfect.
As for that whole video piece . . . YOU GO, GIRL! I checked out that video introduction and you’re looking like a pro already! So proud of you and eager to learn from you, too!
Thanks for dropping in today!
Lessons in humanity, I like that! Thanks for checking out my video!
Just wondering — have either of you tried Mail Chimp? Right now I’m just using Feedburner but need to switch over soon.
I have not used Mail Chimp but hear decent things about it. Have used Feedburner in the past, too. I have also used Constant Contact for a non-profit I was affiliated with for a while. All are workable. None are perfect. Thus . . . farming out Aweber:)
I’ve used mailchimp for a few things, and it’s pretty easy and a lot of people like it. I use Aweber and to be honest I forgot why. Google Mailchimp versus (constant contact/aweber/etc) and you can find lots of good info there. 🙂
Kat, what a great story. I think most of us tend to think other people “have it together.” As though we’re the only ones who struggle. It helps to hear of other people’s bloopers and struggles.
So true, Tawnya, so true!!
Great post Tamara! Fear can be so debilitating…of course we know this…we are therapists but then when it is learning about Google+, Pinterest, and online newsletters it can feel like…argh…why bother?!
A few weeks ago I felt some fear around starting a Google+ Circle…but figured, what do I have to lose? So I just jumped in, am learning on the way, and am totally delighted with the results and activity in that arena. It is very fun to see folks making connections with one another and sharing resources. Why re-invent the wheel is my motto…
It requires a lot of trusting the process, for me, as I step into the unknown. My present unknown…I am moving my office to Cherry Creek in 30 days…a little excitement and a little apprehension usually is a reminder that I am alive…and on the right track!
Hi, Jenny! So glad to find you here today! How cool that you started a Google+ Circle! I consistently think of you as a gutsy gal so I’m not so surprised to hear you saying you use fear to remind you that you are alive and right on track. That’s sweet, though!
You may be mentioning Pinterest just as an example but if not, you may want to check out Beth Hayden‘s book Pinfluence. It’s an easy read and a terrific guide to using Pinterest to build your business.
Congrats on relocating to Cherry Creek in Denver! That’s a very cool area to move into. Perhaps you’ll host an open house at some point and invite me! (And, if you are looking for some ideas on Pinterest for you open house, check out this pin board.)
Tamara, I admire you greatly — your depth of knowledge, wisdom and experience has been so inspiring to me. But, today, I admire you even MORE (if that’s possible ;)) because you offered us what I feel is incredibly valuable: vulnerability. Openness. Admitting that you have fear. And that makes you super cool in my book.
My fear is based around trying to “do it all” or “always be expanding, or thinking of new things for my practice”. Certainly I love to explore new ways to provide support to people, but sometimes I get stuck in the perfectionist/never enough mindset ( I also love you BRAIN DUMP metaphor – I will use that too if that’s ok!). Underneath the expectations I put on myself is a fear of falling behind or failing.
I’ve recently begun to embrace my own vulnerability and have been able to come at it from a place of strength. One of the greatest services I can offer my clients is my authenticity, which sometimes means admitting when I’ve made a mistake or being really honest about a feeling of stuckness (for example).
I am on the same page with Brenda in terms of writing a book (though Brenda’s much further along than I am!). I have begun the process but get stuck in the “not good enough” or “falling behind” mindset which trips me up.
I’m always learning, growing, stumbling, and knowing that others do that sometimes too is incredibly refreshing. I think that’s what allows us to be human and supportive for our clients.
Hi, Kate! It’s always a treat to have your voice here. And, how kind of you to remind me that none of us want to “fall behind” . . . and it’s not just all about me!:) I’m laughing even as I write this knowing that the participants in BlogStart for Therapists will recognize these very words as I was cautioning them not to carelessly hawk their services on their blogs. But, of course, what I didn’t say in class is that truthfully I much prefer it when you (or anyone else but me) get those little lessons in vulnerability and self-doubt. You’re right – when I see other stumble – I feel compassion, respect and even admiration for them even as they lurch into their next step forward. And, while I’m learning to ride the waves and breath into failing forward, I don’t do that yet as gently as I would like to. I appreciate you modeling and paving the way.
Hey, you’re working on a book, too?! Really?! I’m hoping you’ll drop back in and tell us what you’re writing on! Spill!
Kate you are such a model for embracing vulnerability. I know I’ve said it before but your video helped me make mine because in it you use your fear and perfectionism to make the video a powerful introduction to you as a human and as a person that will work with you from a place of empathy and understanding. Everyone should check out Kate’s video on her site to see what authentic looks like!
Kat – Thank you for saying that you admire my authenticity! Lol….it’s something I’ve come to embrace, sometimes willingly, sometimes not 🙂 I also love Brene Brown and have used her books as guidance for my practice and personal life. My video is a testament to feeling frustrated with my perfectionism at time and standing up to it — I’m so glad you checked it out and hope others will like it too. I really admire all of your v-blogging and that has inspired me to put that on my to-do list (someday :)), as I see it as a valuable resource to clients!
Yay we get to go see Brene! The vlogging was on my to do list for a year, and so far I have one welcome and one free video, so I’m not sure I deserve the title of vlogger yet! Let’s encourage each other!
…but you’ve got me interested now in maybe pursuing that website goal! I’m sort of sliding gradually into retirement, but I’ve been trying to do that for the past several years — I take a step or two forward into it, by losing clients and facilities through ‘attrition,’ but then some of them want me back, and sometimes I can’t say ‘no.’ Like when I trimmed down visits to some facilities by cutting them down to a visit every 2 months instead of 1, but in some cases they asked for me to go back to monthly visits – and, after thinking about it, I agree to the monthly visits again.
But with individual clients, making up lesson plans – all the prep work, the driving, the crazy scheduling, is making me (reluctantly) learn to say ‘no’ — and it’s tough alright — I miss the clients and their families, but I simply can’t keep up – and can’t give them the quality work I think they should have.
Many of my age peers are truly retired and enjoying themselves doing all the things they’d always wanted to do – In fact, some of them say they’re way more busy now than when they were working full-time!!!
Anyway, I love your posts and your blog and want to learn more — Thank you again, Tamara!!!
Edy
Edy, you can do it! You can do it! And, when you do it . . . you don’t have to take on any more clients than you want to! Nor do you have to do it perfectly (:) Nor is there ever just one right way. Take your time. Enjoy the journey. And, if it gets a little scary, just remember to B-R-E-T-H-E . . . and breathe again. You can do this and when you forget, I’m happy to remind you.
Check out the WordPress.com or WordPress.org (even better!) platforms for your blog. Let me know if you need any help. Clearly, I’m not a geek and not hawking and tech services but I do know some brilliant ones to refer you to.
And, as for that “heading toward retirement” . . . “no I’m not” . . . “heading toward retirement” dance, if you are serious about wanting to cut down but not completely out of business and are finding that too many people / projects want you to stay in . . . consider adjusting your fees to work with a few your ideal clients more intensely rather than over-extending yourself and doing less-than-ideal work.
Congrats to you for being of “that age” that you get to make new choices that work well for you!
Thanks, Tamara!!! You are wonderfully supportive!!!! I like what you’re saying in that there isn’t just one way to do things. It’s conflicting to have to kind of turn loose of some of the work, some of the clients — I feel, in a way, like I’m turning my back on them, but I’m putting the word out quickly for other music therapists to pick up where I’m leaving off – and I will help make that transition as smooth as possible – although I’m not sure others will have the time to come forward to grab up this opportunity. I think a lot of us — not only music therapists, but probably most folks working in the helping fields, simply spread themselves too thin – take on way too much – and can’t – or have a hard time – cutting back, but we also know people who have cut back – and we can and should do it, too, when we stand back and see that it’s truly necessary!!!!
Edy
Yes, and I believe that things happen for a reason, Edy. And, when I take on too much . . . spread myself to thin . . . I know that that’s my reminder that I need to do better at self-care. When I was much younger and just starting out in the field working in agencies and hospitals, I used to do this whole monologue in my head (and occasionally with friends / colleagues, too) about how “mistreated” we were . . . how “abused” we were . . . yada-yada-yada. You know the spiel – big bad employers dumping and “using” us “poor little employees.” And, while I do believe that many – possibly most – of the systems and institutions that employ helping professionals are quite toxic – the truth is that that self-talk I was engaging in was not nearly as accurate as this:
I didn’t have good enough boundaries in place to avoid people pleasing and saying “yes.” I couldn’t / didn’t set limits (or even recognize that I could and should set limits with authority figures – especially employers – and risk being seen as anything other than a “good girl.” It was a slow realization for me and difficult to learn the lesson but eventually . . . I got it. And, in hindsight, I think it was an incredibly valuable less – and one that every therapist needs to learn because, of course, bad boundaries generalize to many other areas of our lives. I think it’s why many therapists err with lousy boundaries with their clients – that manifest in many (not just sexual) ways.
Edy, thank you for dropping in today to chat. It is always lovely to find your voice here! I hope you’ll be back often.
I thank you for putting up with my not keeping up regularly with these posts — they’re all valuable, but I’m still on this way too busy schedule that doesn’t leave me the time I want and need, to really sit down and read all the great information that comes across here.
Yes, that thing about taking care of ourselves — it’s something we’ve gotta set aside time to do. There have been a few music therapy workshops on the topic, but – and talk about ‘Catch 22’s’ — we may not have the time to get out to them!!!!
I keep thinking about the point that we’re in the healthcare and/or helping fields because we are born ‘people pleasers’ — that may be too sweeping a statement, but we do, by and large, want to be supportive and validating with our clients – and their families, but, frankly, sometimes we are asked to do more because we’re known to try not to let people down — and to do all we can to, well, ‘please people.’ It’s hard to be otherwise – for us, I think!!!
But sometimes we let that point be the top priority — and everything else in our lives (or a lot of other things in our lives) has to take a backseat!!!
Anyway, these are just some thoughts — probably I’m sort of saying the same things as on previous posts — that are flowing along in my ‘stream of consciousness’ queue!!!
Your thoughts…
Edy
Edy, I actually appreciate the ongoing dialogue! No worries! New folks are always finding their way here to Private Practice from the Inside Out . . . when the time is right for them. That’s why I leave to commenting open. (Some bloggers will close off their comments after a certain amount of time.) My preference is to let the conversations flow freely and as needed. It’s refreshing to see that info that was posted three years ago is still relevant and useful to those just now stopping by!
As for that self-care piece . . . I think that so often we get such superficial advice about our own needs for care when the conversations could / should go so much deeper. What I know is that we are not born as “people pleasers.” That is learned behavior that serves someone . . . and often that behavior is serving our parents and primary caretakers more than it is serving us. I do believe that those care-taking behaviors can and often do lead us into “helping professions” but once we are adults it’s up to us to recognize the motivations and deceptions about who we are and why we are doing what we do.
I may default into my 5 year old people-pleasing mask but what I know for sure is that my purpose on this earth is not to please you:)
So true about ‘people-pleasing’ being a learned behavior. Yet I keep harkening back to the idea that we’re here to serve others. Still we’ve gotta take care of ourselves first, in order to be capable of serving others. And if we enjoy ourselves as we serve others, it’s a win/win situation. But, yes, there’s a ton more to life than just being there at the beck and call of our clients. I think there’s a lot to be said for compartmentalization. And one of those ‘compartments’ is labeled, ‘Be good to yourself,’ and it should be a relatively large ‘compartment!!!
Edy
Oh, it’s so funny that you mention service to others tonight, Edy. I don’t think of “people-pleasing” as being in service to others. I think of it as being 100% deceptively in service to fear-based thinking and only appearing to be in service to others. 🙂
One of my colleagues was writing in a therapists’ forum tonight saying that he had spent 2 hours in the last week on the phone with a client fielding crisis calls and was feeling a little guilty about considering charging his stated fee for that service. I say that the client knew the client knew the stated fee ahead of time, had multiple crisis lines available to him, chose to speak with the therapist that he felt most comfortable with, and was willing to incur the cost. Likewise, the therapist ought to recognize the value that the client perceives, value his own down time, deserves to have crisis-free / resentment-free evenings, and should he choose to sacrifice all of that for the sake of his clients, the therapist deserves to be financially compensated for that choice.
Yes, come to think of it, at times, that people-pleasing thing happens in order to keep clients and their families from gently asking for more help, more flexibility and things that turn out kind of beyond what I originally expected. It can be kind of ‘just keep the client happy’ and you won’t hear from us – and things will go on as they should.
Edy, thanks! I love the candor and that you are willing to share it. I think it can be so helpful to newer therapists who might be tempted to put more seasoned therapists on pedestals – assuming that we don’t have our own issues to deal with!:) Saw this just this morning, I think, in my consultation group.
Tamara, You are so likeable! Research shows we especially like people who remind of us, well, ourself!
My current tech challenge is one I’ve been avoiding since I agreed to do it last Friday I’m going to augment and recyle a brief PP I made to use in another way, which i’m actually super excited about.
But the new tech program I’ll have to learn as well as how to upload it to YouTube seem proportional to climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro to me. I know it’s not going to be hard, but the confusing state of mind and being totally out of a known zone are such deterrents for me that arise with computer stuff.
I keep reminding myself that I love unique opportunities and new learning, but it seems that is anywhere but technology. 🙂 Then I remind myself how happy I feel once I conquered a procedure, such as WordPress, but I still procrastinate. Then, out of blue, like I’m catching myself off guard, I’ll just start in and keep at it until I’m done. It’s so silly really and all in my mind.
Thanks for sharing your experience- it helps lighten the mood and confirms that so many of us are in the same process of adapting our business to the computer.
Hi, Kimberly! Thank you for taking time this afternoon to chat about my tech challenges as well as your own. I’m happy to serve up the chuckles and lighten the mood, too. Certainly, my class got a few opportunities to laugh with me! Once I quit taking myself so seriously, I realized that it really is a Lucy and Ethel moment (or two or ten!).
Hey, I actually have some great news for you . . . ! I initially attempted to share links to videos with my class that only worked well for some. For three weeks I researched, consulted, and tried out different solutions to no avail while they patiently waited. Then (Cue the trumpets, please!) . . . I figured out all on my tech-challenged own how to upload the videos onto private pages in YouTube! And, it worked! It worked great! So far not one participant has had difficulty accessing any of them! So, Kimberly, never fear . . . ! It’s do-able and it’s actually dummy-proof! You can do it without climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro . . . if you want to.
I actually have this theory that just as girls are taught that they are not supposed to be good at math, I think that many of us were taught to not be good with technology. As a feminist-informed therapist, this realization really galls me – that I believe this is simply about stereotypical socialization and still I succumb to it! ARGHHHH!
That means that I should be able to do this stuff as easily as my male peers . . . but still I think of me as that digital dinosaur. I really need to reframe this . . . . ( Taking a big breath here . . . . ) The truth is that I am a digital immigrant and not a dinosaur. It’s a new language. It’s a new culture. I’m trainable. It doesn’t have to be pretty. And, I’m actually doing just fine! The rest of the truth is that apparently I just prefer to climb Kilimanjaro, host a private pity party, and feed the lies on occasion.
Now what’s that about? Let’s see . . . . That would be about lowering expectations . . . striving for perfection . . . and running smack-dab into shame. Ugh. That would be about buying into the lie that good = perfect, wouldn’t it? Oh, pardon me, Kimberly. I didn’t mean to leave you sitting her all by yourself. Just needed to follow that stinkin’ thinkin’ for a moment to figure out how to dismantle it. Back to you . . . !
It seems I owe you a debt of gratitude for sharing the perfect metaphor. Choosing to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro just might be the piece that I need to own to move past these little lessons. Thank you, thank you!
And, thanks again for showing up here today. Let me know if I can support you in any way on your journey!
Thank you for the vote of confidence Tamara. If you can do , I can do.
I think I’m too old to fit into the metaphor of math. There was no technology when I was in school. NONE! Including grad school. I wrote my entire dissertation long hand and paid someone to type it up.
I think the original problem for me with technology is that I resisted learning it, didn’t take any classes ever, got Macs to start and then went PC later. I really couldn’t see the implications of staying in the dark and not get training. So I never really have understood how it works, it’s a hit or miss and memorize game plan for me.
My enabler or ace-in-the-hole depending on who you’re talking to, is my tech savvy husband. But he no longer enables me, refuses to, but he’s there is a pinch. Thank GOD! He, however, knows nothing about making videos, putting them on youtube, or the program. ( I’m using. I have to wonder if that lack of knowledge is a secret source of joy to him? 🙂 )
Kimberly, I, too, used an electric typewriter in college. It was 1995 before I reluctantly bought my first computer. Almost 10 years later before I ever put up a website and reluctantly took up blogging. And, it was yet another year before I reluctantly checked out Twitter . . . . Eventually found my way to LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+ and only this past year did I check into Facebook (my least favorite, by the way).
At 52 years of age, I am . . . that digital immigrant who remembers vividly living over half my life without email and computers. And, like you, I’ve relied for the last 20 on the good graces and more linear thinking of my friends and then my partner. These days, I’m as likely to hire it out if I cannot do it myself. (And, by the way, I have a fabulous Virtual Assistant that you could hire to upload those videos for you in a heartbeat.) I’m stumbling forward and learning what I can . . . . And, when I get too tired or frustrated or too intimidated, I’ve learned it’s best to pay someone who thinks in a straighter line than me to do it for me. It’s just cheaper in the long run.
You may not choose to learn it all. I don’t intend to. But, it’s not going to be my fear that keeps me from learning. it’s going to be an intentional choice based on something other than fear. And, I’m encouraging you and everyone else to do the same. What I know and you know is that decisions based on fear – in our personal lives and in our professional lives, too – are never the best choices.
I agree with you completely Tamara. Hire someone rather than not get it done. Why beat our self up about it? I say give it the college try and you might surprise yourself, if not, hire out. Retreating in fear will eat one up and the fear will grow wider and become more debilitating.
Intentional choice, well put. Intentional choice to hire out, to get help, to do it yourself- it doesn’t matter as long as the choice is consciously made.
Just saw the best quote on Facebook! . . . “No mud . . . no lotus!” That may be my new favorite quote!
Oh my goodness I always thought that photo said “No mind… no lotus.” Ha! That makes SO much more sense now! I’m Buddhist and I didn’t even get that. Thank you!
Tamara, I love how you’re willing to be vulnerable in this post! It’s so easy to get caught in that pride and try to cover up mistakes or not make them in the first place (by not doing anything.) I wish you the best of the luck with the webinar.
Hi, Roy! Thanks so much for dropping in here with a little support. I just finished up the series and am preparing to send out a follow up survey. The best news is that we’ve got new therapist bloggers itching to post and share their work. Can’t wait to see the results!
I know, though, you must be chuckling as one of those tech-savvy guys! So looking forward to introducing my readers to you with your guest post! (How’s that for a little teaser?)
Nice teaser! 🙂
And no, no chuckling here. I did my first CE webinar last February and the “technical difficulties” that popped up were nightmarish. Imagine my injured pride as the “tech guru” guy having so much trouble.
It’ll be great to see the new bloggers. When I started in Web development back in 1999, my buddies and I bemoaned how technically difficult it is to get the simplest information on to a Web page, compared to typing up a document in Word. The Web has finally grown up and anybody can publish without learning to write code. It’s a wonderful thing!
Hahahaha! Okay, NOW I AM feeling better! Thanks, Roy! I may just need to print this one out and FRAME IT. More little lessons in humanity! I did a very similar thing back decades ago. I love doing training and public speaking on issues related to multiple identities, multiculturalism, etc. I was the key presenter working with a group of about 30 community leaders in Dallas in a retreat and right in the middle of this fabulous work I used a word that I had heard my entire life (and had no idea was a racial slur – I didn’t even know how to spell the word!).
I was mortified . . . JUST MORTIFIED when one of my colleagues pointed it out to me at the end of the day. It was so shameful to me and still is today that every time I relate this story, it brings me to tears. No one in the group other than my colleague ever addressed it with me and at 20-something years of age I didn’t even know how (as clueless as that sounds) to go back and clean it up! Today, I suck it up and tell the story – to own the behavior, combat the shame, and hopefully let other therapists know that good intentions are not enough.
So, thanks, Roy, for reminding me that even those we put on pedastels . . . even the gurus in their own fields do really good work . . . but it won’t be perfect. And, I’m with you, too, on how easy it is to publish without writing code! Surely this will be the miracle in my lifetime. I was telling someone earlier that I had been out of graduate school before I ever touched a computer. I remember those days when only the rich could publish and therapists went in debt in order to spread the word about their services and products. These days, if you have access to a computer, it’s so much cheaper than paying for print advertising and we can reach so many more individuals!
Got to run take care of some clients now. Have a good day and thanks for dropping in!
Oh dear, I would be a complete wreck if that happened to me! I’d have to pull out all my mindfulness skills. Enjoy your day!
Yep. “A complete wreck” just about sums it up.
Wow that story really moves me Tamara. I’ve done muticultural leadership stuff a lot and can really put myself in those shoes. Oh…
Hi Tamara,
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable in this post! Your willingness to share your experiences and learning curve with us here is courageous and inspirational! I can relate to so much of what was said in your original post and all of the subsequent comments. In particular, I want to thank you for the reframe of “little lessons in humility” to “little lessons in humanity” . . . Being reminded of and embracing my humanity has been an important part of my journey in private practice and has given me the courage and strength to continue to move towards building my business in the face of fear and doubt. Like many of those who commented here, I am also a perfectionist and fear failure . . . In fact, as I’m writing this post, I’m obsessing over every word and worrying about how best to convey my thoughts and feelings! Argh!
To answer the questions at the end of your post, right now I am working on a new website and making the switch to Word Press! I’m very excited and yet fear is also present as I create new content and re-evaluate my basic message, etc. I am learning so much through this process and am grateful for all of the support and help I’ve received along the way! I have to give a shout out to Kat Mindenhall for her patience and generosity in helping me with my new website! I created my first website 2 years ago by myself and it was a STEEP learning curve because I also do not consider myself to be tech-savvy. One of the things I love about private practice is the limitless opportunities to learn and stretch myself yet it can also become a slippery slope into the “never good enough” arena . . . I am learning that the fear and anxiety can be present and I can choose not to let it stop me or get in the way of growth. I am learning to take risks and not trade authenticity for safety. I’ve been reading lots of quotes lately while researching ideas for my website and want to leave you all with this quote:
“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” – Brene Brown
Good morning, Catherine! Thanks for starting your day with me and offering such a great quote! Brene Brown ROCKS, doesn’t she?
I am chuckling though as I hear you talking about obsessing over every word. I think that’s one of the reasons that I love blogging . . . . For me, it’s like writing little letters to my friends. It doesn’t (and shouldn’t) sound too academic, too much like psychobabble, or too formal. It’s just me! Talkin’ to you . . . and a few thousand of my friends about things that are important to me. Hopefully, if I’m misunderstood or get something dead wrong, there will be a few of you to remind me to go back and clean up my mess. Little lessons in humanity . . . again.
I’m so excited to hear that you and Kat are transferring your website to a WordPress platform. YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT! I still can’t believe it’s the only thing tech-wise that I can get absolutely giddy over! WordPress makes it so easy to optimize for the search engines, so easy to throw up a new post, so easy to engage with your readers . . . . So happy for your! (And, I swear . . . I think that Kat Mindenhall is a closeted tech-wizard!)
Got to run but so glad to chat with you this morning, Catherine! Have a great week.
Hi Tamara,
Not obsessing over every word or sounding too “academic” is exactly what I’m working on in my own blogging . . . it’s one of the things that gets in my way, hence why I’ve been a pretty inconsistent blogger so far! I don’t know if other people have had this experience, but I think that 4 years of graduate school and writing academic papers has changed my relationship with writing and I’m working on letting that go! I used to be a Journalism major and I loved writing feature articles for my school newspapers. It’s actually what led me to become a therapist – I loved people’s stories! Back then, I loved writing and wrote all the time – poetry, journaling, articles, stories. . . I’ve found that since grad school I have a hard time connecting to the more relaxed, organic writer in me from my past. I know it’s there though and I’m working on rediscovering it! I appreciate your support and I agree with you, Kat Mindenhall is a closeted tech-wizard!:) She already has a WordPress site and has gotten me leaps and bounds ahead of the game with the one I am working on! Hope you have a great week as well!
I know exactly what you mean, Catherine, about grad school. It’s a bit of a necessary evil, isn’t it? It sanitizes out of us much of what we need to regain to be human, accessible, authentic, and self-compassionate. Like you, I treasure the stories above all else in the work that I do and those don’t get told if we take ourselves too seriously, do they?
After grad school, it took 4 or 5 years before I could actually sit down and read for pleasure again. And, that formal, stilted voice that I learned to use there – pretending I felt more competent than I often did – clung around for a while, too. I work with a lot of writers and creative types in my work. The trick I use . . . and I would suggest to you is to write all of your posts to Kat! Just Kat! Or, me. Or any one other individual that you know has your back. It’s just throwing out some ideas – they don’t even need to be polished or fully thought out when you share them . . . with me and Kat. Trust that your readers actually like you, that they are really smart, too . . . and that by not fleshing out the entirety of your posts and leaving some gaps, you are giving your readers space to engage with you by allowing them to make other points and expand on your ideas.
The more confident I get with my blogging, the more comfortable I get with my gang (that’s how I refer to you guys in my head aka ” my readers”). These days, I trust that you will fill in my gaps (whether they were intentional or not), expand my thinking and my resources, gently point out and correct my errors in thinking, and even come to my defense if needed.
If you think about it, Catherine, that’s how it works in the clinical hour, too. We hold space for our clients and we bring our unique intentions and we do our imperfect best. And, when we do less than perfect – as is always the case – our clients who love us fill in the gaps, expand our thinking and resources, gently point out when we get it all wrong, and will even defend us to their spouses and partners and spiritual leaders and friends. And, in the beginning . . . when we are first doing this clinical (and some would say spiritual work) of changing the world . . . , we get so caught up in doing it perfectly that we fail to do it just right.
Beautifully said, Tamara! You can take what we all struggle with and turn it into such a way to connect and relate to each other’s pain in a very poetic way.
Just chiming in to say how much I love Brene Brown too! woo hoo!
Ha! Of all the closets I’ve been in, a tech closet is new… 🙂
Catherine you are so sweet, really! You are doing the hard work! I appreciate your go for it attitude, and we enjoy talking about our frustrations so I have a vested interest in helping you succeed so that I have a buddy to do wordpress with! We do share so many of the same frustrations, and I wouldn’t know that if weren’t courageous enough to connect with others around that. You rock!
Here’s a confession – my husband is a software engineer, and he does not suffer a technophobe that thinks she can’t learn, ha ha! There’s no whining to someone who says, “why don’t you LEARN how to do that? Why do you think that’s a crazy idea to try? Just dig in.” Everything I do I’ve learned and taught myself, but it hasn’t been easy. If I’m in dire need he might help if I break something badly, but I don’t rely on him. The secret is that it’s all relative. In my house I possess very ‘basic computer literacy’. It looks like a miracle to other therapists though! The point is that my own tech stuff is not by chance or blessing, it’s by moving through fear with good support. I love that we are doing this for each other more and more as a community here. No culture of techno-helplessness for us! As therapists we can have a culture of fear around that or a culture of empowering and supporting each other to LEARN how to do more for ourselves technologically (or in whatever challenge arena we choose).
“Challenge arena!” YES! Read The Hunger Games trilogy, by chance? I think I’m going to take my cue from Katniss Everdeen!
Oh, Tamara! This post speaks to me. Thanks for your courage in writing it.
Embracing our vulnerability and our mistakes is tough stuff! There must be something in the air these days, ’cause I just wrote a post about one of my screw ups, too. I no-showed my first appointment (as therapist) in 8 years. Mortifying! But there was so much good that came out of that experience, in the end.
So, thank you for being transparent and letting us see the human and imperfect parts of you. Your courage in sharing what makes you so accessible and real and a true ally in this work we do!!
Hey, Ann, drop back in here and share that link to your post on that screw up! That would definitely be of interest to my readers:) And, by the way – I’ve been there . . . done that! I think all of us have at one time or another. It’s so important for therapists – especially new therapists to know that we can be imperfect and and how to own being imperfect and that it doesn’t ruin our relationships with clients to do so. I think, instead, it often endears us to them.
Thanks, Ann, for modeling how to “do” humanity:)
By the way – yours is another blog that I used in BlogStart for Therapists as a stellar example of what a therapist’s blog can be like. Another standard-bearer online!
Here’s the post I wrote about my latest mistake:
http://counselinginterns.com/lesson-462-embracing-your-mistakes/
I’ve really been on a kick lately, writing about mistakes I’ve made and learned from. It’s interesting stuff, if I can get my ego out of the way long enough to reflect on it and share with others.
You obviously hit a nerve with this post, Tamara– just look at all the comments here! Thanks again for this post. I’m really inspired by it.
And thank you for using my blog as an example in your course– that’s a big compliment, coming from you!
Tamara, thanks so much for sharing your struggles.
Just a few weeks ago I was absolutely frozen in fear. I totally stopped doing everything with my blog. Fortunately I had a stockpile of posts already scheduled. I’m now working to restore it.
The break provided a much-needed rest. It allowed me to step back and consider who I am, what I’m for, and where I’m going.
Fear confronts me almost daily. What has helped recently is to have a scheduled daily time to write. BEFORE I look at my email or any social media.
I’m also working on laying out a long-term plan and working backward from it. I need to be honest about what is needed to get tasks accomplished. That will include getting help from people who know much more than me! I’m still not exactly sure where to go for this.
You may have mentioned this before, but where did you get your VA? And what exactly does she/he help with?
Tawnya, that’s exactly what fear does! It stops us in our tracks! And, now that we have access to more info on trauma and the brain, we know that our brain just freezes up and paralyzes us!
I’m learning to build in breaks to my schedule, too. One of the things I know from the almost 20 years I’ve been doing hypnosis is that the only time we are able to learn . . . and get new information into our brains is when we are relaxed. Those breaks help us to re-set our brains so that they can continue to be flexible and expansive . . . seeing new opportunities, new choices, and new possibilities.
Like you, I, too, need to schedule my writing time and be vigilant about protecting it. Otherwise, everything creeps into it and my blogging time slips away like grains of sand.
If you consistently have difficulty struggling with accurately gauging how much time tasks will take, you might want to check out this fabulous book (now at least a decade old) by Marlane Miller called BrainStyles. It has been life-altering for both me in my personal life and also for many of my clients. She talks a bit about how we physiologically process info differently and how one BrainStyle, in particular, has difficulty guestimating how much time things will take. Once I read this (about my partner’s BrainStyle), suddenly I was able to “see” that “weakness” differently. Miller’s premise is that if you recognize the physiological limitations and strengths of your BrainStyle, you can then accomodate them differently. It was a game-changer for me and my world for sure!
Oh, my wonder WONDERFUL VA! (I am hoping she might write a guest post or two for us down the road. She’s “thinking about it” right now.) We’ve only been working together for the last 6 weeks. She is helping me with Aweber – the email tool I use to send notices of new classes or updates to this blog. She is helping me with my video / uploading issues that I’ve referenced in this blog post. Every VA has their own skill set and they can vary a lot. I found mine by asking around for recommendations. However, there is a professional association for VA’s, too. I’ll get the name of it and share it with you.
In the mean time, if there are others here who are using Virtual Assistants, feel free to speak up!
Great post. I am going to reflect on this. My fear of growing and filling all of my available slots is likely related to the time I would trade in writing and doing other fun things. I use my open client slots to write and also to take time to myself. It’s a time without children, so perfect for a quick trip to the store … a lunch … a walk … a nap even 😉 Probably, if I truly dedicated those hours to marketing and paperwork and didn’t fill it personally, I would 1) make more time elsewhere for those things and 2) energetically devote those hours to work, thus sending the message to the universe, “I am here and I am ready for clients.”
Heh heh heh. Been there, Emily! I’ve so been there! I think that we often “find” a million things to do before we are ready to do what we say we “want” to do. And, I think you are exactly right when you note that that really is all about our fear, isn’t it?! Thanks for connecting those dots . . . and giving me even more to look at and clean up!