My colleague, Michelle Stevens, is an LPC candidate who is wise beyond her years. The other day she was talking about how appalled she was about an incident in which she had helped a new professional (Let’s call her “Jane”) meet someone (And, let’s call her “Donna”) who is well-connected to Jane’s clinical area of interest. Donna spent at least two hours over lunch sharing information and resources . . . generally mentoring Jane. And, then they went their separate ways.
To date, Donna has not heard from Jane. No thank you note. No follow up phone call. And, no offer to take Donna to lunch. Not one smart choice for Jane.
Have you ever pulled a Jane and failed to follow up? Have you ever pulled a Donna (and left feeling used)? If so, I hope you’ll take a moment to drop in here and talk about what happened and why you ended up in either one or both of those situations!
Tamara, I’ve been a Donna, for sure. I’ve taken the attitude, however, that whatever the attitude of the recipient that I have more to gain from sharing that I have to lose. That doesn’t mean, however, that I am going to give away my time to just anyone because I simply do not have it to give so freely. However, if the person does not follow up with me, at some point I may contact them via phone or email to see whether or not what I had to offer was of some assistance. As a mentor, it’s good to get feedback and simply by connecting I am letting the person know that this is how colleagues relate to one another. Of course, life happens and sometimes people simply forget because of events in their lives. I don’t take it personally and these days I assume that people haven’t all been brought up to learn the basics, especially younger professionals.
Ana! I’ve been thinking about you – Welcome back! It’s good to have your voice here.
Thank you! I love your blog and let my colleagues know it too! You’re the best Tamara!
Hi, Ana! Thank you so much for saying so and for passing my URL along to others. It’s exciting to see our online community growing so fast! I set goals back in the summer at my one year anniversary for the blog and so far – keep your fingers crossed! – I’m right on track! We’re having new folks join us every day. And, while most blog fans read along quietly and choose not to comment publicly, I continue to receive lots of emails and phone calls back channel from loyal members of our online community.
Seems like it’s kind of a boundary issue of sorts. Exchanges…giving and taking. Just thinking out loud here. I often reach out to peer colleagues and offer lunch and chit chat. It’s usually reciprocated. When I do it, though I try to keep it to 1 hour (or as close as I can). If I am going to share my experience, I usually do so freely. However, some people’s boundaries and motivations are askew. Askew? Well you know what I mean. But I must remember that people look to me to know how to treat me. If I am a “deep roller” all ready to give give, then maybe I am giving a message “take me” or “take as much as you want”. I try to give and look for subtle cues of reciprocity, if you can call it that–give a little, get a little. Anyway, I’ve generally had good encounters with sharing my experience or ideas. If people fail to say thank you or reciprocate, then they’re not nearly as welcome the next time.
Todd, you make an excellent point here. If there’s a pattern of being under-appreciated or being taken advantage of, there’s a good chance that the “victim” is teaching or at least reinforcing that behavior. Thanks for pointing that out.