“He’s not who I want him to be” is often a recurring theme in my practice.

“He won’t change.”

“He won’t do anything with me.”

“He won’t talk to me.”

“He won’t go anywhere with me.”

“He won’t be nice to me.”

The list of things he is not doing to change is rather extensive. And, my clients are, of course, hurt, offended, frustrated, or angry because . . . “He won’t change.”

If you find yourself going down this path . . . and waiting  . . . again for him to be the man you want him to be, it’s time to do something different.

Like what?  Like remembering what Maya Angelou says . . . “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.”

Like taking a look in the mirror to honestly assess what your role is in this pattern.

Like choosing to be happy – and all that that entails – given the man that he is . . . rather than the man that you want him to be.

I know it’s a lot more difficult to take responsibility for what you believe . . . for what your part is . . . for remembering to choose happiness . . . .

It is difficult . . . but it is also the answer to creating the life you deserve.

If you are ready to strengthen your intimacy with your partner, check out some of these resources below.

Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships
Marianne Williamson

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

A Home for the Heart: A Personal Guide to Intimate and Social Relationships
Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path
Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path
Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

Is It Love or Is It Addiction?
Brenda Schaeffer, Ph.D.

Lies at the Alter: The Truth about Great Marriages
Robin Smith, Ph.D.

Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Sex: Releasing the Passion Within
Dr. Sandra Scantling & Sue Browder

Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner – and Yourself – In the 4 Stages of Marriage
Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. & Peter T. Pearson, Ph.D.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last
John Gottman, Ph.D.

Do you know of other resources that have been helpful in strengthening your intimacy?  If so, I hope you’ll share them below.

Last week, Dr. Gary Newman was on Good Day NY promoting his new book, The Truth About Cheating. During his interview, he listed these 4 signs of a cheating spouse:

• More time away,
• Less sex,
• Avoids contact and cell phone calls, and
• Starts fights and increases criticism.

He also listed 4 ways to prevent cheating include:

• Work on increasing the emotional connection,
• Spend time together on a daily basis,
• Schedule date nights, and
• Monitor friends.

What I know about cheating is that the real problem in the relationship started long before the cheating.  Cheating is just the symptom.

When a couple is in a good place i.e. when both individuals are feeling respected, engaged, and wanted, cheating can’t happen.  If you aren’t in a good place with each other, then cracks (in a relationship) happen and . . . if cracks happen, then cheating is a very real risk . . .  regardless of how much you both may love each other.

She watches, like a puppy
waiting for affection or a treat.

She watches—yet rarely
is there a gentle touch,
or loving eyes.

Instead, his eyes
are gunmetal.
His words are razors.

You’re getting fat.
What do you do all day?
You parent like your mother.
Where did you get that outfit?
You forgot to get my cleaning again.
It’s beyond me how you got a degree.
Your friends say they don’t like you.
You missed a spot when you vacuumed.
You forgot to use heavy starch on my shirts. Again.
You get an allowance because you can’t handle money.
All I ask is that you do what I ask.
You can’t do anything right.

She watches. And he turns, as though
she is a curl
of dog shit that one
would dispatch into sand
with a quick kick of his Nike.

He never touches her. With his fists.”

This poem was written by Marlene Jezierski. She has written an entire e-book, Beyond the Mirror, that you can download for free.

Today I was reading a blog post in Under the Microscope.  It was a report card for teachers and it got me to thinking . . . .  Where are our report cards for psychotherapists?

Many of us have had or do have professional relationships with psychotherapists . . . . amazing ones, horrendous ones, and all the grays in between.  Take a moment and think about it . . . . What was really helpful?  What got in the way?  What worked and what didn’t?  What made your therapist really special or what made her especially bad?

If you’ve  had a memorable experience with a psychotherapist and don’t mind sharing your story, perhaps the rest of us in the mental health professions can learn from your experience.

You may note your story below in the comments or email me back channel at Tamara at TamaraSuttle dot com.  Either way, I’ll be happy to collect them and re-post the results once I’ve gathered the results!