If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

~ Excerpt from the poem Children Learn What They Live by the late Dorothy Law Nolte

When my partner died, people said some really lovely things (like “. . . Kathy was the kindest person I ever knew) while others said really stupid things (like “. . . at least you don’t have kids.”)  Good intentions aren’t always enough to insure healing words.

Today I was reading Jane E. Brody’s article in the New York Times, From Kind Words, Lessons on Condolences, where she reflected on the kind and not-so-kind expressions of sympathy that she has encountered since her husband’s death.

Here are some of her observations:

Kind Expressions of Sympathy

• Make an effort to show you are concerned.
• Make it clear that their loved one will be remembered.
• Talk about what the deceased was like.
• Talk about what you enjoyed / liked / respected about the deceased and why he will be missed.
• Talk about how the deceased helped you or others.
• Recall what was important to the deceased – people, values, etc.
• Whether face to face, by phone, or in writing make your expressions sympathy personal and not canned.
• Share your personal experiences  and memories of the deceased.
• Tell how you  and others were positively affected by the deceased.
• Reflect on a “life well lived.”
• Offer to provide daily support by fetching groceries, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.

If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I hope you’ll share below the expressions of sympathy and support that were most helpful to you.