• More time away,
• Less sex,
• Avoids contact and cell phone calls, and
• Starts fights and increases criticism.

He also listed 4 ways to prevent cheating include:

• Work on increasing the emotional connection,
• Spend time together on a daily basis,
• Schedule date nights, and
• Monitor friends.

What I know about cheating is that the real problem in the relationship started long before the cheating.  Cheating is just the symptom.

When a couple is in a good place i.e. when both individuals are feeling respected, engaged, and wanted, cheating can’t happen.  If you aren’t in a good place with each other, then cracks (in a relationship) happen and . . . if cracks happen, then cheating is a very real risk . . .  regardless of how much you both may love each other.

If you are in a violent relationship, maybe I can help.
Ask me how. Call me. 303-660-4989

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

~ Excerpt from the poem Children Learn What They Live by the late Dorothy Law Nolte

Many of us have had or do have professional relationships with psychotherapists . . . . amazing ones, horrendous ones, and all the grays in between.  Take a moment and think about it . . . . What was really helpful?  What got in the way?  What worked and what didn’t?  What made your therapist really special or what made her especially bad?

If you’ve  had a memorable experience with a psychotherapist and don’t mind sharing your story, perhaps the rest of us in the mental health professions can learn from your experience.

You may note your story below in the comments or email me back channel at Tamara at TamaraSuttle dot com.  Either way, I’ll be happy to collect them and re-post the results once I’ve gathered the results!

1.  Frequent and Regular Practice

Intentional practices, whether spiritual or secular, are encoded in your brain most quickly when they are practiced frequently and with regularity.

2.  Stilling the Mind

Using techniques such as breathing exercises and meditation to quiet your “monkey mind,”  you are able to access a broader base of activated neural networks.  This state is what is often referred to as the surfacing of your “higher self.”

3.  Creating Self with Intent

During your practice, it is helpful to remain focused on the values and characteristics that you wish to instill or strengthen in yourself.

4.  Observing and Correcting for Internal Alignment

Transformational practices of self-creation typically include awareness of a non-judging inner state trained to observe and note your internal alignment with the values and characteristics that you wish to instill.  This state is referred to by many names including “Little Professor,” “Witness,” “Inner Guide,” or simply “your conscience.”

5.  Identifying Motivations and Feelings

Feelings tell us what we want and need.  And, memories are strongly attached to feelings.  By identifying what motivates you i.e. what you want and need, and learning to cultivate those same feelings at will,  you will be able to choose more often which feeling states you reside in and which memories you are most likely to retain.

6.  Choosing Intentional Behaviors

By intentionally choosing new behaviors in service to that higher self that you want to become, you will be expanding your repertiore of the new you.

Peggy does an terrific job of explaining some of the neuroscience involved in becoming what you practice.  I would encourage you to take the time to read her article entitled How We Become What We Practice.

And, if you are struggling with making the changes that you desire, call me at 303-660-4989 to find out how I can support you on your journey.

Take a look at the list of physical boundary violations below to begin to identify your own relationship with physical abuse.

• hitting,
• slapping,
• excess spanking,
• kicking,
• biting,
• pushing,
• shoving,
• pinching,
• choking,
• shaking,
• twisting,
• use of objects in hitting:  branches, paddles, boards, belts, saplings, whips, straps, etc.
• knocks on the head,
• excess squeezing,
• being physically restrained, tied up and tortured,
• burns with cigarettes, matches, stove and fires,
• threatened with violence and hitting,
• tossed around,
• lack of space,
• lack of privacy,
• no rights to property,
• constant mussing,
• hair tossing and pulling,
• excess tickling,
• deprivation of food, shelter, clothing and warmth,
• being physically tested beyond your abilities,
• being pushed too hard physically with work,
• not being protected from:
  • sibling abuse (older, younger, or same age),
  • being beaten in school by bullies or teachers,
  • excessive housework,
• lack of personal hygiene modeled and taught,
• lack of nutritional support and information,
• touch deprivation,
• under or over feeding,
• excessive scrubbing and abrasion of hands and ears
• being exposed to unsanitary living conditions, rats, roaches, dirt, insects, plumbing that doesn’t work, odors, etc.,
• lack of dental and medical care,
• clothing that is improperly fitted, inappropriate, dirty, or worn out,
• lack of information about body,
• being teased about body,
• not having one’s physical appearance or body affirmed,
• excess emphasis on external appearance, clothing, hygiene, hand washing, nutrition or diet, body functions, body growth or development,
• being shamed or teased about body functions or formation,
• physical punishment by relatives, ministers, strangers,
• being kidnapped,
• constant moving or re-locations,
• being in close proximity to nicotine smoke,
• being locked in house, rooms, or closets,
• not being protected from someone else’s rage, anger, temper, hitting walls, thrashing, or destruction of property,
• not being protected from one’s own rage,
• not being taken care of when sick or ill nor supported when sick,
• not having regular medical and dental checkups,
• people or things that we become attached to being destroyed or removed from our lives,
• not being allowed
  • to have pets, friends, and things to be attached to,
  • stay in one place,
  • have a sense of community,
  • opportunities in sports, academics, and art,
• overexposed to the elements,
• pushed into violent sports,
• no sense of ownership or learning about property, money, spending and the cost of things,
• physical abuse of parents,
• witnessing violence,
• living through earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, wars, excess crime, and
• not being allowed to have feelings, to talk about physical pain or abuse, or not being protected.

If your life is or has been affected by physical abuse and you would like help exploring your options, let’s talk.  You can reach me at 303-660-4989.

[This information was taken from Broken Toys Broken Dreams:  Understanding & Healing Boundaries, Codependence, Compulsion, & Family Relationships by Terry Kellogg]

[And, if you are needing any help from me, call 303-660-4989.]

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

Tamara, can you share some of your listography with us so that we can get an idea of what kind of lists to list?  I think this can be a really cool idea but I’m not sure I fully understand.”

Sure, Jenny!  Thanks for writing.  Here’s a glimpse of some of my lists to list . . . .

• Steppingstones i.e. learning points in my lifetime,
• Places I want to go visit,
• Teachers and mentors I’ve had along the way,
• Life lessons learned,
• Pets I’ve had,
• What I’m grateful for,
• Adventures I would like to have,
• Books I want to read,
• Books I have read,
• Things I miss about my parents,
• Losses,
• Inspiring quotes,
• Classes I want to teach,
• Workshops I want to create,
• Bodies of knowledge that I want to learn more about,
• Skills I want to learn,
• My favorite sounds,
• Favorite recipes,
• Ancestors I want to research,
• Things to do for date night,
• Health goals, and
• Favorite charities.

I keep adding to my list and, when the mood strikes or when my writing runs dry, I pull out my list, pick one and go!

Jenny, I hope you get the idea . . . .  If it’s important to you and it can be put into a list, then I think it’s a perfect addition to your own journaling and your own listography.

Have I got your attention, yet?  If so, perhaps you would like to get started! Here’s an idea for that first journal entry . . . . How about a list of lists?  Just take the time to brainstorm a list of things that you think might be of use or interest to you down the road . . . . Later on, when you feel like it or whenever you get stuck and don’t know what to journal about, you can return to your listography,your  list of lists, choose one and begin to create it!.

Better yet, share your list with me right here!