If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

~ Excerpt from the poem Children Learn What They Live by the late Dorothy Law Nolte

Today I was reading a blog post in Under the Microscope.  It was a report card for teachers and it got me to thinking . . . .  Where are our report cards for psychotherapists?

Many of us have had or do have professional relationships with psychotherapists . . . . amazing ones, horrendous ones, and all the grays in between.  Take a moment and think about it . . . . What was really helpful?  What got in the way?  What worked and what didn’t?  What made your therapist really special or what made her especially bad?

If you’ve  had a memorable experience with a psychotherapist and don’t mind sharing your story, perhaps the rest of us in the mental health professions can learn from your experience.

You may note your story below in the comments or email me back channel at Tamara at TamaraSuttle dot com.  Either way, I’ll be happy to collect them and re-post the results once I’ve gathered the results!

Peggy La Cerra, Ph.D. has written an excellent article on how you become what you practice for Spirituality and Health (online). She denotes six factors that lead to becoming exactly who you want to be . . . .

1.  Frequent and Regular Practice

Intentional practices, whether spiritual or secular, are encoded in your brain most quickly when they are practiced frequently and with regularity.

2.  Stilling the Mind

Using techniques such as breathing exercises and meditation to quiet your “monkey mind,”  you are able to access a broader base of activated neural networks.  This state is what is often referred to as the surfacing of your “higher self.”

3.  Creating Self with Intent

During your practice, it is helpful to remain focused on the values and characteristics that you wish to instill or strengthen in yourself.

4.  Observing and Correcting for Internal Alignment

Transformational practices of self-creation typically include awareness of a non-judging inner state trained to observe and note your internal alignment with the values and characteristics that you wish to instill.  This state is referred to by many names including “Little Professor,” “Witness,” “Inner Guide,” or simply “your conscience.”

5.  Identifying Motivations and Feelings

Feelings tell us what we want and need.  And, memories are strongly attached to feelings.  By identifying what motivates you i.e. what you want and need, and learning to cultivate those same feelings at will,  you will be able to choose more often which feeling states you reside in and which memories you are most likely to retain.

6.  Choosing Intentional Behaviors

By intentionally choosing new behaviors in service to that higher self that you want to become, you will be expanding your repertiore of the new you.

Peggy does an terrific job of explaining some of the neuroscience involved in becoming what you practice.  I would encourage you to take the time to read her article entitled How We Become What We Practice.

And, if you are struggling with making the changes that you desire, call me at 303-660-4989 to find out how I can support you on your journey.

Physical abuse occurs any time a deliberate action results in the violation of your physical integrity.  By definition, physical abuse injures or endangers you.

Take a look at the list of physical boundary violations below to begin to identify your own relationship with physical abuse.

• hitting,
• slapping,
• excess spanking,
• kicking,
• biting,
• pushing,
• shoving,
• pinching,
• choking,
• shaking,
• twisting,
• use of objects in hitting:  branches, paddles, boards, belts, saplings, whips, straps, etc.
• knocks on the head,
• excess squeezing,
• being physically restrained, tied up and tortured,
• burns with cigarettes, matches, stove and fires,
• threatened with violence and hitting,
• tossed around,
• lack of space,
• lack of privacy,
• no rights to property,
• constant mussing,
• hair tossing and pulling,
• excess tickling,
• deprivation of food, shelter, clothing and warmth,
• being physically tested beyond your abilities,
• being pushed too hard physically with work,
• not being protected from:
  • sibling abuse (older, younger, or same age),
  • being beaten in school by bullies or teachers,
  • excessive housework,
• lack of personal hygiene modeled and taught,
• lack of nutritional support and information,
• touch deprivation,
• under or over feeding,
• excessive scrubbing and abrasion of hands and ears
• being exposed to unsanitary living conditions, rats, roaches, dirt, insects, plumbing that doesn’t work, odors, etc.,
• lack of dental and medical care,
• clothing that is improperly fitted, inappropriate, dirty, or worn out,
• lack of information about body,
• being teased about body,
• not having one’s physical appearance or body affirmed,
• excess emphasis on external appearance, clothing, hygiene, hand washing, nutrition or diet, body functions, body growth or development,
• being shamed or teased about body functions or formation,
• physical punishment by relatives, ministers, strangers,
• being kidnapped,
• constant moving or re-locations,
• being in close proximity to nicotine smoke,
• being locked in house, rooms, or closets,
• not being protected from someone else’s rage, anger, temper, hitting walls, thrashing, or destruction of property,
• not being protected from one’s own rage,
• not being taken care of when sick or ill nor supported when sick,
• not having regular medical and dental checkups,
• people or things that we become attached to being destroyed or removed from our lives,
• not being allowed
  • to have pets, friends, and things to be attached to,
  • stay in one place,
  • have a sense of community,
  • opportunities in sports, academics, and art,
• overexposed to the elements,
• pushed into violent sports,
• no sense of ownership or learning about property, money, spending and the cost of things,
• physical abuse of parents,
• witnessing violence,
• living through earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, wars, excess crime, and
• not being allowed to have feelings, to talk about physical pain or abuse, or not being protected.

If your life is or has been affected by physical abuse and you would like help exploring your options, let’s talk.  You can reach me at 303-660-4989.

[This information was taken from Broken Toys Broken Dreams:  Understanding & Healing Boundaries, Codependence, Compulsion, & Family Relationships by Terry Kellogg]

Last week I stumbled across Tamarisk Saunders-Davies’ blog, Two Chairs Counselling.  Tamarisk is a counselor in private practice in London, United Kingdom.  One of her posts, How to Unpack Your Relationship Baggage, is chocked full of useful information.  Take a look at it and let me know how you are doing at unpacking your relationship  baggage.

[And, if you are needing any help from me, call 303-660-4989.]

Patricia Evans provides a terrific list (below) of what the characteristics of verbal abuse are in her terrific book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.  Take a minute to look over this list and see if you recognize these characteristics of verbal abuse in your own relationships.

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

Jenny B. from Chicago writes . . .

Tamara, can you share some of your listography with us so that we can get an idea of what kind of lists to list?  I think this can be a really cool idea but I’m not sure I fully understand.”

Sure, Jenny!  Thanks for writing.  Here’s a glimpse of some of my lists to list . . . .

• Steppingstones i.e. learning points in my lifetime,
• Places I want to go visit,
• Teachers and mentors I’ve had along the way,
• Life lessons learned,
• Pets I’ve had,
• What I’m grateful for,
• Adventures I would like to have,
• Books I want to read,
• Books I have read,
• Things I miss about my parents,
• Losses,
• Inspiring quotes,
• Classes I want to teach,
• Workshops I want to create,
• Bodies of knowledge that I want to learn more about,
• Skills I want to learn,
• My favorite sounds,
• Favorite recipes,
• Ancestors I want to research,
• Things to do for date night,
• Health goals, and
• Favorite charities.

I keep adding to my list and, when the mood strikes or when my writing runs dry, I pull out my list, pick one and go!

Jenny, I hope you get the idea . . . .  If it’s important to you and it can be put into a list, then I think it’s a perfect addition to your own journaling and your own listography.

I am a fan of listography. There’s a book by this name, The Listography Book. And, there’s a web application by this name.  But what I’m talking about is the use of list-making to document your ideas, to document your journey, and to help you get started (or re-started) with your journaling.

Have I got your attention, yet?  If so, perhaps you would like to get started! Here’s an idea for that first journal entry . . . . How about a list of lists?  Just take the time to brainstorm a list of things that you think might be of use or interest to you down the road . . . . Later on, when you feel like it or whenever you get stuck and don’t know what to journal about, you can return to your listography,your  list of lists, choose one and begin to create it!.

Better yet, share your list with me right here!

Here are some of my favorite books and websites on journaling.

Families Writing
Peter R. Stillman

Harvesting Your Journals: Writing Tools to Enhance Your Growth & Creativity
Rosalie Deer Heart & Alison Strickland

Journey Notes: Writing for Recovery and Growth
Richard Solly and Roseann Lloyd

Keeping Your Personal Journal
George F. Simons

Life’s Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest
Christina Baldwin

Writing the Natural Way: Using Right-Brain Techniques to Release Your Expressive Powers
Gabriele Lusser Rico

Inspired to Journal

LifeJournal for Writers: Writers’ Journal Software

Visual Thesaurus

Do you have other great resources for journaling?  If so, share them with me below.

Penny Dot from New York City writes in . . .

I’ve been working with my sticky affirmation like you suggested and things are changing . . . . Can you please tell me how to get started journaling?  I’m not sure what to write.  I’ve kept diaries before but they end up being boring and then I quit.   Is there some trick that I don’t know about?”

Hi, Penny!  I’m so glad you wrote!  Yes, there really are some tricks to help your journaling come to life.  Her are five tips to get you started . . . .

1. Your journal is for your eyes only.Where can you keep you journal safely put away?  Don’t leave it out on your bed for roving eyes to see.  If necessary lock it up or password protect it if you are using a computer.
2. Do you prefer paper or a personal computer? I prefer to write on paper but I have clients who sometimes prefer to keep their journals on their computers.
3. If you are opting for a paper journal, take a shopping day to explore the fabulous possibilities for your journal.  Although any notebook might do, it is helpful to really think about what types of paper feel best to you.  Do you like coarse brown paper or fine onion skin paper . . . ?  Do you prefer lines, graph paper,  or blank pages? . . . .  Do you want inspirational sayings or journal prompts or images on the pages of your journal . . . .?  And, what do you want on the cover of your journal?
4. Speaking of your cover for your journal, you may want to decorate it yourself! Personalize it so that it represents YOU!
5. After you choose a notebook, I think your writing tools are really most important.  I find that by choosing very special pens, pencils, markers, and even crayons that are used only for  my journaling, I set the stage for my time with my journal to be very special.

Now gather your journal and writing tools and give yourself give yourself permission to journal just a bit every day.   No expectation about the nature of your writing.  No pressure to write long pros.  Just commit to putting pen / pencil to paper every day and let’s see what happens!