If you are in a violent relationship, maybe I can help.
Ask me how. Call me. 303-660-4989

• Make sure your therapist is licensed;
• Ask about their formal training;
• Check out more than one professional before deciding who to work with;
• Discuss fees and any concerns that you have about money up front;
• Don’t work with a therapist who is also working with your best friend or a member of your family.

If you have already started working with a mental health professional, what suggestions can you add to this list to help others find a good “fit” with their therapist?

And, if you are looking for a mental health professional in the states of Texas or Colorado, I would be happy to talk with you to see if I am the therapist that you are looking for to help you start to make some changes in your life!

She watches, like a puppy
waiting for affection or a treat.

She watches—yet rarely
is there a gentle touch,
or loving eyes.

Instead, his eyes
are gunmetal.
His words are razors.

You’re getting fat.
What do you do all day?
You parent like your mother.
Where did you get that outfit?
You forgot to get my cleaning again.
It’s beyond me how you got a degree.
Your friends say they don’t like you.
You missed a spot when you vacuumed.
You forgot to use heavy starch on my shirts. Again.
You get an allowance because you can’t handle money.
All I ask is that you do what I ask.
You can’t do anything right.

She watches. And he turns, as though
she is a curl
of dog shit that one
would dispatch into sand
with a quick kick of his Nike.

He never touches her. With his fists.”

This poem was written by Marlene Jezierski. She has written an entire e-book, Beyond the Mirror, that you can download for free.

Take a look at the list of physical boundary violations below to begin to identify your own relationship with physical abuse.

• hitting,
• slapping,
• excess spanking,
• kicking,
• biting,
• pushing,
• shoving,
• pinching,
• choking,
• shaking,
• twisting,
• use of objects in hitting:  branches, paddles, boards, belts, saplings, whips, straps, etc.
• knocks on the head,
• excess squeezing,
• being physically restrained, tied up and tortured,
• burns with cigarettes, matches, stove and fires,
• threatened with violence and hitting,
• tossed around,
• lack of space,
• lack of privacy,
• no rights to property,
• constant mussing,
• hair tossing and pulling,
• excess tickling,
• deprivation of food, shelter, clothing and warmth,
• being physically tested beyond your abilities,
• being pushed too hard physically with work,
• not being protected from:
  • sibling abuse (older, younger, or same age),
  • being beaten in school by bullies or teachers,
  • excessive housework,
• lack of personal hygiene modeled and taught,
• lack of nutritional support and information,
• touch deprivation,
• under or over feeding,
• excessive scrubbing and abrasion of hands and ears
• being exposed to unsanitary living conditions, rats, roaches, dirt, insects, plumbing that doesn’t work, odors, etc.,
• lack of dental and medical care,
• clothing that is improperly fitted, inappropriate, dirty, or worn out,
• lack of information about body,
• being teased about body,
• not having one’s physical appearance or body affirmed,
• excess emphasis on external appearance, clothing, hygiene, hand washing, nutrition or diet, body functions, body growth or development,
• being shamed or teased about body functions or formation,
• physical punishment by relatives, ministers, strangers,
• being kidnapped,
• constant moving or re-locations,
• being in close proximity to nicotine smoke,
• being locked in house, rooms, or closets,
• not being protected from someone else’s rage, anger, temper, hitting walls, thrashing, or destruction of property,
• not being protected from one’s own rage,
• not being taken care of when sick or ill nor supported when sick,
• not having regular medical and dental checkups,
• people or things that we become attached to being destroyed or removed from our lives,
• not being allowed
  • to have pets, friends, and things to be attached to,
  • stay in one place,
  • have a sense of community,
  • opportunities in sports, academics, and art,
• overexposed to the elements,
• pushed into violent sports,
• no sense of ownership or learning about property, money, spending and the cost of things,
• physical abuse of parents,
• witnessing violence,
• living through earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, wars, excess crime, and
• not being allowed to have feelings, to talk about physical pain or abuse, or not being protected.

If your life is or has been affected by physical abuse and you would like help exploring your options, let’s talk.  You can reach me at 303-660-4989.

[This information was taken from Broken Toys Broken Dreams:  Understanding & Healing Boundaries, Codependence, Compulsion, & Family Relationships by Terry Kellogg]

By stabilizing the parents, Gottman and Shapiro were able to change not only the marriage; they also were able to change the child.”

This is exciting new research!  Check out the entire post and then drop back in here to share your thoughts.

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

. . . the pilgrim learns through the telling of his own tale.  ” – Sheldon Kopp

A Better Pair of Eyes

I require each of my clients to keep a journal . . . not for my benefit, but for yours.  And, more often than not, the question arises . . . “Why do I need to keep a journal?”  Grant it, it’s a reasonable enough question.  If you’ve never kept one, I can understand that you might not yet know that keeping a journal can be like  . . . having another pair of eyes . . . helping you to see clearly . . . building your courage one step at a time . . . for your eyes only . . . and only as you are ready. Keeping a journal for your personal growth can be life-altering.

Turning Points

Often we begin a journal (and then return to our journals) at turning points in our lives.  As you are beginning your work with me, I expect our work together to be one of those turning points in your life.  Your journal is a place where you can begin to lay out your private thoughts and begin to explore those sometimes shakey and uncertain neophite steps – those steps that will ultimately take you to where you wish to be.

Carving Out Time for You

By making the commitment to journal, you are guaranteed to be carving out time just for you.  Remember, favorite client, when I talked about the 90 / 10 Law in an earlier post?  90% of my benefit to you . . . and 90% of your personal growth is going to come from the time and effort you spend outside of the time you and I spend together. That means that taking time out of your oh-so-busy-day to think (and write)about your inner  life is critical to creating that life that you desire.

Agent of Change

Every behavioral scientist knows that by simply recording a behavior, that behavior is actually changed.  That means by simply having you record your internal and external experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., you are automatically initiating change – even if you are unaware of it!  Journaling = Change!

On Monday, I’ll post a list of my favorite books and websites related to journaling.  In the meantime, let me know that you’re gathering your journal and favorite writing tools and getting ready to put pen to paper!

• Resilient i.e. my client who keeps getting back up when you are knocked down;
• Interested in new ideas and open to new ways of seeing;
• Courageous – and by that I mean you are ready to face your fears;
• Willing to experiment with your life, try new things, and take new risks;
• Able and willing to adapt the things we talk about to make them fit for you and your situation (rather than simply dismiss what you hear);
• Involved in projects and work that benefits others;
• Value-oriented and recognize that your relationships with others and with me are valuable;
• Naturally collaborative i.e. you contribute to and focus on your opportunities and successes;
• Bright, full of light, and are easily excited about the possibilities for your life;
• Positive and naturally optimistic;
• Really clear and understand the 90 / 10 law.  (90% of my value to you will be outside of the time we spend together.)  You try the strategies that we discuss, you change them to suit your particular situations, and you report your feedback to me so that we can continue to tweak our work together;
• Enthusiastically telling other people that you know about my services and our work together.

If you aren’t my client right now but you found yourself on this list, feel free to call me when you need a counselor.  New fabulous and favorite clients are always welcome!

• Perhaps you are a seeker . . . always looking for ways to stretch and grow . . . fine-tuning who you are along the way;
• You might be ready for a jump start for your creativity and intuition;
• You may be trying to untangle yourself from a really difficult situation or relationship;
• Life may be just a bit more complicated than you need it to be right now;
• Maybe you’re sick and tired of your life story;
• Perhaps, you are wanting someone to hold you accountable for the changes you are ready to make;
• Or, maybe you’re ready to create and live a new and brighter life story.

Regardless of your circumstances, if you are looking for someone to support you on your journey . . . and if you think I might be able to help, I hope you’ll call me.  We can talk a bit to see if we are a “good fit.”  If not, I’ll be happy to try to help you find someone other than me to accompany you on your way.