She watches, like a puppy
waiting for affection or a treat.

She watches—yet rarely
is there a gentle touch,
or loving eyes.

Instead, his eyes
are gunmetal.
His words are razors.

You’re getting fat.
What do you do all day?
You parent like your mother.
Where did you get that outfit?
You forgot to get my cleaning again.
It’s beyond me how you got a degree.
Your friends say they don’t like you.
You missed a spot when you vacuumed.
You forgot to use heavy starch on my shirts. Again.
You get an allowance because you can’t handle money.
All I ask is that you do what I ask.
You can’t do anything right.

She watches. And he turns, as though
she is a curl
of dog shit that one
would dispatch into sand
with a quick kick of his Nike.

He never touches her. With his fists.”

This poem was written by Marlene Jezierski. She has written an entire e-book, Beyond the Mirror, that you can download for free.

I don’t really like separating the physical body from your spirit and mind.  However, for the sake of providing some resource to support you in caring for your body, I have done just that.  Here are some of my favorite tools to help you on your journey.

Injury: Learning to Live Again
Dorothy L. Mercer, Ph.D.

Living with Chronic Fatigue: New Strategies for Coping with and Conquering CFS
Susan Conant, Ed.D.

Mainstay: For the Well Spouse of the Chronically Ill
Maggie Strong

Prayer and Our Bodies
Flora Slosson Wuellner

The Wisdom of Menopause
Christiane Northrup, M.D.

Women’s Body’s, Women’s Wisdom
Christiane Northrup, M.D.

The Empowered Patient

I hope you’ll let me know what you think of the books and websites above and add your own favorite resources below!

Peggy La Cerra, Ph.D. has written an excellent article on how you become what you practice for Spirituality and Health (online). She denotes six factors that lead to becoming exactly who you want to be . . . .

1.  Frequent and Regular Practice

Intentional practices, whether spiritual or secular, are encoded in your brain most quickly when they are practiced frequently and with regularity.

2.  Stilling the Mind

Using techniques such as breathing exercises and meditation to quiet your “monkey mind,”  you are able to access a broader base of activated neural networks.  This state is what is often referred to as the surfacing of your “higher self.”

3.  Creating Self with Intent

During your practice, it is helpful to remain focused on the values and characteristics that you wish to instill or strengthen in yourself.

4.  Observing and Correcting for Internal Alignment

Transformational practices of self-creation typically include awareness of a non-judging inner state trained to observe and note your internal alignment with the values and characteristics that you wish to instill.  This state is referred to by many names including “Little Professor,” “Witness,” “Inner Guide,” or simply “your conscience.”

5.  Identifying Motivations and Feelings

Feelings tell us what we want and need.  And, memories are strongly attached to feelings.  By identifying what motivates you i.e. what you want and need, and learning to cultivate those same feelings at will,  you will be able to choose more often which feeling states you reside in and which memories you are most likely to retain.

6.  Choosing Intentional Behaviors

By intentionally choosing new behaviors in service to that higher self that you want to become, you will be expanding your repertiore of the new you.

Peggy does an terrific job of explaining some of the neuroscience involved in becoming what you practice.  I would encourage you to take the time to read her article entitled How We Become What We Practice.

And, if you are struggling with making the changes that you desire, call me at 303-660-4989 to find out how I can support you on your journey.

Physical abuse occurs any time a deliberate action results in the violation of your physical integrity.  By definition, physical abuse injures or endangers you.

Take a look at the list of physical boundary violations below to begin to identify your own relationship with physical abuse.

• hitting,
• slapping,
• excess spanking,
• kicking,
• biting,
• pushing,
• shoving,
• pinching,
• choking,
• shaking,
• twisting,
• use of objects in hitting:  branches, paddles, boards, belts, saplings, whips, straps, etc.
• knocks on the head,
• excess squeezing,
• being physically restrained, tied up and tortured,
• burns with cigarettes, matches, stove and fires,
• threatened with violence and hitting,
• tossed around,
• lack of space,
• lack of privacy,
• no rights to property,
• constant mussing,
• hair tossing and pulling,
• excess tickling,
• deprivation of food, shelter, clothing and warmth,
• being physically tested beyond your abilities,
• being pushed too hard physically with work,
• not being protected from:
  • sibling abuse (older, younger, or same age),
  • being beaten in school by bullies or teachers,
  • excessive housework,
• lack of personal hygiene modeled and taught,
• lack of nutritional support and information,
• touch deprivation,
• under or over feeding,
• excessive scrubbing and abrasion of hands and ears
• being exposed to unsanitary living conditions, rats, roaches, dirt, insects, plumbing that doesn’t work, odors, etc.,
• lack of dental and medical care,
• clothing that is improperly fitted, inappropriate, dirty, or worn out,
• lack of information about body,
• being teased about body,
• not having one’s physical appearance or body affirmed,
• excess emphasis on external appearance, clothing, hygiene, hand washing, nutrition or diet, body functions, body growth or development,
• being shamed or teased about body functions or formation,
• physical punishment by relatives, ministers, strangers,
• being kidnapped,
• constant moving or re-locations,
• being in close proximity to nicotine smoke,
• being locked in house, rooms, or closets,
• not being protected from someone else’s rage, anger, temper, hitting walls, thrashing, or destruction of property,
• not being protected from one’s own rage,
• not being taken care of when sick or ill nor supported when sick,
• not having regular medical and dental checkups,
• people or things that we become attached to being destroyed or removed from our lives,
• not being allowed
  • to have pets, friends, and things to be attached to,
  • stay in one place,
  • have a sense of community,
  • opportunities in sports, academics, and art,
• overexposed to the elements,
• pushed into violent sports,
• no sense of ownership or learning about property, money, spending and the cost of things,
• physical abuse of parents,
• witnessing violence,
• living through earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, wars, excess crime, and
• not being allowed to have feelings, to talk about physical pain or abuse, or not being protected.

If your life is or has been affected by physical abuse and you would like help exploring your options, let’s talk.  You can reach me at 303-660-4989.

[This information was taken from Broken Toys Broken Dreams:  Understanding & Healing Boundaries, Codependence, Compulsion, & Family Relationships by Terry Kellogg]

As long as we’ve been talking about verbal abuse, I thought you might like some resources to help you improve your communication.

BrainStyles: Change Your Life Without Changing Who You Are
Marlane Miller

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within
Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Peter D. Rogers, Ph.D., & Judith McKay, R.N.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

I hope you’ll add your favorite resources for improving communication below!

If you are soon-to-be married . . . or are newly married . . .  or you are expecting a baby, you will want to take special note of John Medina’s post in his blog, Brain Rules, entitled Marriage Intervention.  In this post, John notes the research of John Gottman and Alyson Shapiro which indicates that if expectant couples are taught effective strategies for handling conflict (whether conflict was present in the marriages or not), their children’s nervous systems actually develop differently and in positive ways.

By stabilizing the parents, Gottman and Shapiro were able to change not only the marriage; they also were able to change the child.”

This is exciting new research!  Check out the entire post and then drop back in here to share your thoughts.

When my partner died, people said some really lovely things (like “. . . Kathy was the kindest person I ever knew) while others said really stupid things (like “. . . at least you don’t have kids.”)  Good intentions aren’t always enough to insure healing words.

Today I was reading Jane E. Brody’s article in the New York Times, From Kind Words, Lessons on Condolences, where she reflected on the kind and not-so-kind expressions of sympathy that she has encountered since her husband’s death.

Here are some of her observations:

Kind Expressions of Sympathy

• Make an effort to show you are concerned.
• Make it clear that their loved one will be remembered.
• Talk about what the deceased was like.
• Talk about what you enjoyed / liked / respected about the deceased and why he will be missed.
• Talk about how the deceased helped you or others.
• Recall what was important to the deceased – people, values, etc.
• Whether face to face, by phone, or in writing make your expressions sympathy personal and not canned.
• Share your personal experiences  and memories of the deceased.
• Tell how you  and others were positively affected by the deceased.
• Reflect on a “life well lived.”
• Offer to provide daily support by fetching groceries, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.

If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I hope you’ll share below the expressions of sympathy and support that were most helpful to you.

Last week I stumbled across Tamarisk Saunders-Davies’ blog, Two Chairs Counselling.  Tamarisk is a counselor in private practice in London, United Kingdom.  One of her posts, How to Unpack Your Relationship Baggage, is chocked full of useful information.  Take a look at it and let me know how you are doing at unpacking your relationship  baggage.

[And, if you are needing any help from me, call 303-660-4989.]

Patricia Evans provides a terrific list (below) of what the characteristics of verbal abuse are in her terrific book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.  Take a minute to look over this list and see if you recognize these characteristics of verbal abuse in your own relationships.

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

If you are even thinking about getting a divorce in the state of Colorado, I want you to meet my colleague, Leslie Matthews.  Leslie is an  attorney that specializes in family law and I trust her advice.  Check out her blog to get educated about family law in Colorado.

And, if you need her services, please tell her that I sent you!