Peggy La Cerra, Ph.D. has written an excellent article on how you become what you practice for Spirituality and Health (online). She denotes six factors that lead to becoming exactly who you want to be . . . .

1.  Frequent and Regular Practice

Intentional practices, whether spiritual or secular, are encoded in your brain most quickly when they are practiced frequently and with regularity.

2.  Stilling the Mind

Using techniques such as breathing exercises and meditation to quiet your “monkey mind,”  you are able to access a broader base of activated neural networks.  This state is what is often referred to as the surfacing of your “higher self.”

3.  Creating Self with Intent

During your practice, it is helpful to remain focused on the values and characteristics that you wish to instill or strengthen in yourself.

4.  Observing and Correcting for Internal Alignment

Transformational practices of self-creation typically include awareness of a non-judging inner state trained to observe and note your internal alignment with the values and characteristics that you wish to instill.  This state is referred to by many names including “Little Professor,” “Witness,” “Inner Guide,” or simply “your conscience.”

5.  Identifying Motivations and Feelings

Feelings tell us what we want and need.  And, memories are strongly attached to feelings.  By identifying what motivates you i.e. what you want and need, and learning to cultivate those same feelings at will,  you will be able to choose more often which feeling states you reside in and which memories you are most likely to retain.

6.  Choosing Intentional Behaviors

By intentionally choosing new behaviors in service to that higher self that you want to become, you will be expanding your repertiore of the new you.

Peggy does an terrific job of explaining some of the neuroscience involved in becoming what you practice.  I would encourage you to take the time to read her article entitled How We Become What We Practice.

And, if you are struggling with making the changes that you desire, call me at 303-660-4989 to find out how I can support you on your journey.

As long as we’ve been talking about verbal abuse, I thought you might like some resources to help you improve your communication.

BrainStyles: Change Your Life Without Changing Who You Are
Marlane Miller

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within
Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Peter D. Rogers, Ph.D., & Judith McKay, R.N.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

I hope you’ll add your favorite resources for improving communication below!

If you are soon-to-be married . . . or are newly married . . .  or you are expecting a baby, you will want to take special note of John Medina’s post in his blog, Brain Rules, entitled Marriage Intervention.  In this post, John notes the research of John Gottman and Alyson Shapiro which indicates that if expectant couples are taught effective strategies for handling conflict (whether conflict was present in the marriages or not), their children’s nervous systems actually develop differently and in positive ways.

By stabilizing the parents, Gottman and Shapiro were able to change not only the marriage; they also were able to change the child.”

This is exciting new research!  Check out the entire post and then drop back in here to share your thoughts.

Patricia Evans provides a terrific list (below) of what the characteristics of verbal abuse are in her terrific book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.  Take a minute to look over this list and see if you recognize these characteristics of verbal abuse in your own relationships.

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

. . . the pilgrim learns through the telling of his own tale.  ” – Sheldon Kopp

A Better Pair of Eyes

I require each of my clients to keep a journal . . . not for my benefit, but for yours.  And, more often than not, the question arises . . . “Why do I need to keep a journal?”  Grant it, it’s a reasonable enough question.  If you’ve never kept one, I can understand that you might not yet know that keeping a journal can be like  . . . having another pair of eyes . . . helping you to see clearly . . . building your courage one step at a time . . . for your eyes only . . . and only as you are ready. Keeping a journal for your personal growth can be life-altering.

Turning Points

Often we begin a journal (and then return to our journals) at turning points in our lives.  As you are beginning your work with me, I expect our work together to be one of those turning points in your life.  Your journal is a place where you can begin to lay out your private thoughts and begin to explore those sometimes shakey and uncertain neophite steps – those steps that will ultimately take you to where you wish to be.

Carving Out Time for You

By making the commitment to journal, you are guaranteed to be carving out time just for you.  Remember, favorite client, when I talked about the 90 / 10 Law in an earlier post?  90% of my benefit to you . . . and 90% of your personal growth is going to come from the time and effort you spend outside of the time you and I spend together. That means that taking time out of your oh-so-busy-day to think (and write)about your inner  life is critical to creating that life that you desire.

Agent of Change

Every behavioral scientist knows that by simply recording a behavior, that behavior is actually changed.  That means by simply having you record your internal and external experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., you are automatically initiating change – even if you are unaware of it!  Journaling = Change!

On Monday, I’ll post a list of my favorite books and websites related to journaling.  In the meantime, let me know that you’re gathering your journal and favorite writing tools and getting ready to put pen to paper!

So I’ve given you some time to identify the garbage in your head.  I’ve showed you how to create a sticky affirmation.  And, I’ve asked you to consider how your life might change if you choose to empty some of that garbage that you’ve been carrying around with you.  If you’re still with me in this conversation, then today is the day that I show you how to empty that garbage in your head.

5 Steps to Emptying The Garbage (in Your Head)

Step 1 - Make the commitment to do this for a minimum of 30 consecutive days.  That means that if you miss a day, you need to begin again including making the commitment to do this exercise for a minimum of 30 consecutive days.

Step 2 – In your journal, divide a page in half by drawing a vertical line down the center of the page. The left side of the page is going to be for your sticky affirmation i.e. that positive self talk that you want to become a natural and effortless part of your thinking.  The right side of the page is going to be for all the garbage in your head i.e. the negative self talk that you want to learn from and get rid of.

Step 3 – On the left side of the page, write out your newly crafted sticky affirmation.  (If you don’t know how to create a sticky affirmation, look here.)

Step 4 – On the right side of the page, you are going to list just one complete sentence that reflects the first garbage thought that immediately trails behind that sticky affirmation.

Here’s an example of what Steps 3 and 4 might look like . . . .

(Affirmation on left side of page)
I feel love and gratitude for my body just as it is.

(Garbage on the right side of the page)
No, I don’t feel love and gratitude for my body.

Step 5 – Continue to repeat Steps 3 and 4 until you can write your sticky affirmation without any garbage thought coming up in your mind. Always remember to write out your full sticky affirmation (again) each time.

Here is what’s going on while you are doing this exercise.    Remember, your affirmation is that thought that you are wanting your brain to get use to and adopt. You are retraining your brain and creating new and stronger neural pathways through writing and repetition.

By writing out your garbage thoughts, you are literally exhausting your brain and dumping onto paper all of the negative thoughts that get in the way of you believing your sticky affirmation.

It’s important that you do this exercise all in one sitting rather than spreading it out over the course of a day.  In the beginning, your writing is likely to be lengthy and the garbage will be ugly.   However, over the course of 30 consecutive days, it is also likely that you will begin to notice that there is less garbage and that the garbage you become aware of will be less stinky; consequently, the quantity of writing and the length of time it takes to empty your garbage will shorten as well.

Remember . . . it’s 30 consecutive days of emptying all the garbage in response to one sticky affirmation . . . .  That’s how it works.  Are you ready to make the commitment ? Let me know how it goes!  I’ll be happy to support you on your journey!

If you remember the TV show, Saturday Night Live, then you probably remember the segment of the show, Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley. Stuart was played by actor  Al Franken and was best know for his affirmation “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

The show was a hoot . . . especially for those of us that are familiar with 12 Step Programs and the use of affirmations.  However, it’s portrayal of affirmations did little to perpetuate the effective use of affirmations to change your thinking.

Research shows that if you can work with a well-crafted affirmation for 30 consecutive days, your thinking actually begins to change.  Are you willing to give it a try?  Before you say “yes,” take some time to think about what is likely to change if you get rid of that one garbage thought and replace it with that one sticky affirmation . . . .What really changes for you and how will your life be different?”

If you’ve been reading my recent posts, it’s likely that you’ve been collecting the garbage (in your head) and creating your own sticky affirmation. On Thursday, I’ll show you how to put that little chunk of supportive self talk to work . . . .

Have you tried to work with affirmations in the past?

Have your affirmations been boring and forgettable?

Have your affirmations been too long and clunky to remember?

If your affirmation is sticky, it will be easy to remember. And, that’s important because you will need to work with it on a daily basis.  Here are some tips to help you create a sticky affirmation.

• On Monday, I asked you to take the time to do a brain dump of all the garbage in your head i.e. the negative self talk that you engage in. If you haven’t already done that, then do it now.  Make a list of all the garbage in your head that holds you back from being the woman / man you want to be.
• Pick just one harmful sentence i.e. just one piece of garbage at a time to work on.  By focusing your work on just one affirmation, you will heighten your awareness of this issue and reinforce your intention to change your self talk to something more desirable.  Once you decide which sliver of negative self talk that you want to change first, you are ready to create your sticky affirmation!
• Affirmations need to be personal. By using “I statements” to begin your affirmation, you are guaranteed to focus on you.  Instead of saying “Everything is going to be OK,” say “I have peace and calm surrounding me right now.”
• Action words are what keep an affirmation interesting. And, keeping them interesting and lively is one of the things that keeps them sticky and memorable!  Instead of saying “I look for choices,” say “I see and embrace the possibilities.”
• State your affirmation as if it is true right now. By stating your affirmation in the present tense, you are focusing your intention and increasing the power behind your words.  Never use past or future focused statements. Avoid using words like “can,” “will,” “should,” and “could.”   Instead of saying, “I will have financial security in my life,” say “I have all that I need right now.”
• Keep it positive. Instead of saying “I don’t deserve  to be talked to in a rude manner,” say “I deserve respect and love in my life.”
• An affirmation should be just one short sentence. It will be easier to remember, easier to write, and easier to recite.

A sticky affirmation is easy to remember, easy to hang on to, and most important of all, a sticky affirmation can change your life!

If you are currently working with an affirmation that you have created, why not leave a comment below to let us know what it is and how this post fits with your experience.

On Monday, I’ll be showing you how to use your newly crafted (or revised) sticky affirmation.

Two decades ago, I started keeping a file of Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters. If you struggle with low self esteem, this can be a fun way to start recognizing and boosting your own self worth.

Not familiar with this type of file?  I wasn’t either until someone introduced the idea to me.  Over time, my Nice Notes File has morphed into different containers . . . a Word document on my computer . . . a manila file folder in my file cabinet . . . a cloth-covered box . . . a metal lock box . . . clear vinyl sheets in a three ring notebook . . . and, now, back to a prettier expanding file folder.

The container might be important. (I have found that if it’s pretty and really attractive,  I do refer to it more often.)  However, it’s what’s inside that is most important.  Here’s are some suggestions about what to put in yours . . . .

• Nice notes from past clients, friends and colleagues – anything positive that clients have written to you about you,
• Affirmations that help you to focus on your positive traits and characteristics,
• A list of your strengths, gifts, and natural abilities,
• Thank you notes that you have received,
• Kind and supportive words that  have been said to or about you,
• Evaluations from employers and students (the good stuff only!),
• Accomplishments – both personal and professional,
• Ways you have made a positive difference in other people’s lives,
• Holiday and greeting cards,
• Teacher’s comments, report cards and evaluations (remember, just the good stuff!),
• Audio / visual / print media and press releases pertaining to you,
• Complimentary things that were said to you (Write them down on receipts at restaurants, napkins in the car, and little scraps of paper- anything just to remember them!),
• Resume / vita, and
• Love letters from current / past partners.

Now that you’ve got an idea about what to put in your Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters File, here’s how you use it . . . .

Schedule a time on your calender to regularly pull out your Nice Notes File and review it.  This is a time to reflect on all that is special about you.  Take in all the positive things that are true about you.

I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but . . . counselors have favorite clients.  I have favorite clients.  The truth is that you are one of my fabulous and favorite clients if you are:

• Resilient i.e. my client who keeps getting back up when you are knocked down;
• Interested in new ideas and open to new ways of seeing;
• Courageous – and by that I mean you are ready to face your fears;
• Willing to experiment with your life, try new things, and take new risks;
• Able and willing to adapt the things we talk about to make them fit for you and your situation (rather than simply dismiss what you hear);
• Involved in projects and work that benefits others;
• Value-oriented and recognize that your relationships with others and with me are valuable;
• Naturally collaborative i.e. you contribute to and focus on your opportunities and successes;
• Bright, full of light, and are easily excited about the possibilities for your life;
• Positive and naturally optimistic;
• Really clear and understand the 90 / 10 law.  (90% of my value to you will be outside of the time we spend together.)  You try the strategies that we discuss, you change them to suit your particular situations, and you report your feedback to me so that we can continue to tweak our work together;
• Enthusiastically telling other people that you know about my services and our work together.

If you aren’t my client right now but you found yourself on this list, feel free to call me when you need a counselor.  New fabulous and favorite clients are always welcome!