Several of my clients are really struggling right now with mean, nasty, toxic self-talk so I’m re-reading a book that has been on my bookshelf for almost twenty years.  It’s called Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset by Hal and Sidra Stone.  Here’s just a few of the really valuable nuggets that I’ve gleaned from this book . . . .

• “. . . the Critic can become our ally once we learn to recognize it and to handle it.  However, as long as we are unconscious of it, we must constantly appease it.” [That's the trick, isn't it? - to remain conscious and aware when your Inner Critic is in charge.]

• “. . . the Inner Critic . . . is the one voice in us that is able to stop our personal growth entirely, or at least to stunt it severely. It blocks our ability to live a creative life.” [Can you list the ways that your life has been limited or all together put on hold because of your Inner Critic?]

• “The stronger the Inner Critic, the stronger the judgmental voices that have been around the person in the growing-up process. The stronger the judgmental voices around us in the growing-up process, the stronger will be the Inner Critic.” [Who were the judgmental voices during your growing-up process?  The critics, the rule makers, the perfectionists, the standard bearers, and the shaming ones?]

• “The Inner Critic, as you may have noticed, is constantly looking at others to figure out who you should be.  There is no deep introversion here, no looking within to find out what is important to you as an individual human being.  The Critic’s bottom-line concern is the impression that you will make upon others.” [It's the mindset of "What will other people think?"]

• “One of the first things to appreciate about the Inner Critic is that it is by nature wholistic.  It criticizes everything about us with equal enthusiasm.” [Can you think of anything that your Inner Critic will not attack or undermine?]

• “. . . the Critic is schooled in debate.  It can take any side of any question, and often you will hear it take both sides of the same question with the same person.  One of the greatest challenges in learning to deal with the Inner Critic is to begin to recognize that the content of what is being said is not important.  It is the energy behind it that is central to our understanding.” [And, when we fail to recognize this truth, we only strengthen our Inner Critics.]

• “The Critic models itself on the outer authorities . . . . If your parents abuse you, your Critic will abuse you in a similar fashion.” [Does your Inner Critic sound / feel familiar?]

• “When you are unable to separate from an abusive Inner Critic, you are kept in victim status. . . . You cannot protect yourself. . . . As a victim, you will draw abusers to you, and you will accept their abuse.” [Now might be a good time to list the ways that you have been victimized  to help you recognize the many abusers that you have had.]

There’s more . . . a LOT more in this tiny little book.  But this is enough to get you started on dismantling your Inner Critic today!

These days, I’m talking to a lot of people who just aren’t happy.  If you are one of them and are in search of happiness, here’s some of the things that I suggest to my clients . . . .

• Take responsibility for finding happiness . . . for creating happiness . . . for attracting happiness into your life.
• Look ahead.  Happiness is more than just good times. What is it that is important to you when you look into your future.  What do you want?  What does it feel like? Sound like? Smell like?  Look like?
• Choose to create a plan for introducing those things into your life now.  Chunk them down into do-able little steps so that you can actually believe that they are possible and even inevitable if you stay focused on your goals.  Happiness does exist.  It happens every day.  Learn to create it in your own life
• Gather support on your journey.  Notice the people around you that contribute that that feeling of optimism; and notice those that weigh you down.  If you need to do some housecleaning with your friends or distance yourself from certain family members in the name of creating your own happiness, you have my permission to do so!  Surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart.  If their actions do not support your goals, then it’s time to make space for new friends!
• Practice gratitude recognizing and honoring the gifts and opportunities that abound!  I think it is Seneca who said that “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”  Do you part in being ready to embrace luck and joy by being prepared.  When you do this, opportunities for happiness show up.
• And, choose the spiritual practice of “Yes!“  By this, I mean accept those situations and offerings that come your way with a sense of curiosity and a sense of adventure.  Happiness sometimes shows up in unexpected places.
• Rely on your strong suits.  Rather than always trying to improve your weaknesses, trust that your strengths are more than adequate to bring you joy.  You are enough just as you are right now.  If you don’t know that already, learn it.  Trust it.  Lean into it.  You are enough right now.

I know that there are other tips that you can share that have helped you along your journey.  Feel free to add them with your comments below!

Check out Michael Kimber on YouTube.

There is help available to manage your depression and anxiety.

Last week one of my favorite clients said that she is really struggling with how to design her life now that her kids are leaving home. If that resonates with you, too, then here’s an exercise to help you determine what is really important to you as you start to plan your future.

• Gather a stack of blank index cards.
• On each one, write a different goal – things that you would like to do, be or have before you die.
• Set your resignation aside.
• Don’t worry about how you will accomplish it, embody it, or obtain it.  For now, just write . . . capturing as many ideas as you can.
• Consider and include what goals you may have that extend beyond your lifetime.  Include possible projects that others can assume once you are gone.
• This is an activity that requires brainstorming so nothing is too silly or inappropriate if it is something that you really want.

In other words, allow yourself to dream!