Whether you are faced with difficult choices, predictable transitions, or unforeseen life changes, I hope you will find some of the resources below to be helpful to you on your journey.

The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife
Marianne Williamson

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
Bruce Fisher

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
Stephen Covey

Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes
William Bridges

The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments
William Bridges

Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Difficult Times
Pema Chodron

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

~ Excerpt from the poem Children Learn What They Live by the late Dorothy Law Nolte

As long as we’ve been talking about verbal abuse, I thought you might like some resources to help you improve your communication.

BrainStyles: Change Your Life Without Changing Who You Are
Marlane Miller

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within
Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Peter D. Rogers, Ph.D., & Judith McKay, R.N.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

I hope you’ll add your favorite resources for improving communication below!

When my partner died, people said some really lovely things (like “. . . Kathy was the kindest person I ever knew) while others said really stupid things (like “. . . at least you don’t have kids.”)  Good intentions aren’t always enough to insure healing words.

Today I was reading Jane E. Brody’s article in the New York Times, From Kind Words, Lessons on Condolences, where she reflected on the kind and not-so-kind expressions of sympathy that she has encountered since her husband’s death.

Here are some of her observations:

Kind Expressions of Sympathy

• Make an effort to show you are concerned.
• Make it clear that their loved one will be remembered.
• Talk about what the deceased was like.
• Talk about what you enjoyed / liked / respected about the deceased and why he will be missed.
• Talk about how the deceased helped you or others.
• Recall what was important to the deceased – people, values, etc.
• Whether face to face, by phone, or in writing make your expressions sympathy personal and not canned.
• Share your personal experiences  and memories of the deceased.
• Tell how you  and others were positively affected by the deceased.
• Reflect on a “life well lived.”
• Offer to provide daily support by fetching groceries, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.

If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I hope you’ll share below the expressions of sympathy and support that were most helpful to you.

Check out this interesting post on the blog, National Post, that talks about a study that shows how being green can boost your self esteem.

After you read it, I hope you will check back in here and let me know how you are greening your self esteem.

. . . the pilgrim learns through the telling of his own tale.  ” – Sheldon Kopp

A Better Pair of Eyes

I require each of my clients to keep a journal . . . not for my benefit, but for yours.  And, more often than not, the question arises . . . “Why do I need to keep a journal?”  Grant it, it’s a reasonable enough question.  If you’ve never kept one, I can understand that you might not yet know that keeping a journal can be like  . . . having another pair of eyes . . . helping you to see clearly . . . building your courage one step at a time . . . for your eyes only . . . and only as you are ready. Keeping a journal for your personal growth can be life-altering.

Turning Points

Often we begin a journal (and then return to our journals) at turning points in our lives.  As you are beginning your work with me, I expect our work together to be one of those turning points in your life.  Your journal is a place where you can begin to lay out your private thoughts and begin to explore those sometimes shakey and uncertain neophite steps – those steps that will ultimately take you to where you wish to be.

Carving Out Time for You

By making the commitment to journal, you are guaranteed to be carving out time just for you.  Remember, favorite client, when I talked about the 90 / 10 Law in an earlier post?  90% of my benefit to you . . . and 90% of your personal growth is going to come from the time and effort you spend outside of the time you and I spend together. That means that taking time out of your oh-so-busy-day to think (and write)about your inner  life is critical to creating that life that you desire.

Agent of Change

Every behavioral scientist knows that by simply recording a behavior, that behavior is actually changed.  That means by simply having you record your internal and external experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., you are automatically initiating change – even if you are unaware of it!  Journaling = Change!

On Monday, I’ll post a list of my favorite books and websites related to journaling.  In the meantime, let me know that you’re gathering your journal and favorite writing tools and getting ready to put pen to paper!

If you remember the TV show, Saturday Night Live, then you probably remember the segment of the show, Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley. Stuart was played by actor  Al Franken and was best know for his affirmation “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

The show was a hoot . . . especially for those of us that are familiar with 12 Step Programs and the use of affirmations.  However, it’s portrayal of affirmations did little to perpetuate the effective use of affirmations to change your thinking.

Research shows that if you can work with a well-crafted affirmation for 30 consecutive days, your thinking actually begins to change.  Are you willing to give it a try?  Before you say “yes,” take some time to think about what is likely to change if you get rid of that one garbage thought and replace it with that one sticky affirmation . . . .What really changes for you and how will your life be different?”

If you’ve been reading my recent posts, it’s likely that you’ve been collecting the garbage (in your head) and creating your own sticky affirmation. On Thursday, I’ll show you how to put that little chunk of supportive self talk to work . . . .

Now that I’ve told you about my Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters file, I’ve started to notice other folks’ similar efforts!  Here’s Therese J. Borchard’s Video: My Self Esteem File.

Take a look at this if you are interested in starting your own collection of positive words about you.  Then drop me a note below to tell me how your file is working for you.

I was surfing on the web this morning when I ran across the words to Lindsay Lohan’s song, I Decide.  They say exactly how you’ll be feeling when you start to take control of your self confidence and your life.

Take a moment to read through the lyrics below.  If they aren’t sounding like they are your words, then it’s time to start gathering and emptying out the garbage!

I Decide by Lindsay Lohan

Don’t think that you can tell me what to think
I’m the one who knows what’s good for me
And I’m stating my independence
Gonna take the road I’m gonna take
And I’m gonna make my own mistakes
It’s my life
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
What I need
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

Don’t think you’re ever gonna hold me down
Couldn’t do it then can’t do it now
I’m kickin’ down all the fences
I’m gonna do it all and do too much
And if I mess the whole thing up
It’s my ride
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

I’m taking my own chances
And I’m finding my own answers
I’m only answering to me
And that’s the way it’s gonna be
I decide
Oh yeah
I decide
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide

Check back in on Monday and I’ll show you how to start replacing your negative self talk with more useful stories about who you really are and who you can be.

Two decades ago, I started keeping a file of Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters. If you struggle with low self esteem, this can be a fun way to start recognizing and boosting your own self worth.

Not familiar with this type of file?  I wasn’t either until someone introduced the idea to me.  Over time, my Nice Notes File has morphed into different containers . . . a Word document on my computer . . . a manila file folder in my file cabinet . . . a cloth-covered box . . . a metal lock box . . . clear vinyl sheets in a three ring notebook . . . and, now, back to a prettier expanding file folder.

The container might be important. (I have found that if it’s pretty and really attractive,  I do refer to it more often.)  However, it’s what’s inside that is most important.  Here’s are some suggestions about what to put in yours . . . .

• Nice notes from past clients, friends and colleagues – anything positive that clients have written to you about you,
• Affirmations that help you to focus on your positive traits and characteristics,
• A list of your strengths, gifts, and natural abilities,
• Thank you notes that you have received,
• Kind and supportive words that  have been said to or about you,
• Evaluations from employers and students (the good stuff only!),
• Accomplishments – both personal and professional,
• Ways you have made a positive difference in other people’s lives,
• Holiday and greeting cards,
• Teacher’s comments, report cards and evaluations (remember, just the good stuff!),
• Audio / visual / print media and press releases pertaining to you,
• Complimentary things that were said to you (Write them down on receipts at restaurants, napkins in the car, and little scraps of paper- anything just to remember them!),
• Resume / vita, and
• Love letters from current / past partners.

Now that you’ve got an idea about what to put in your Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters File, here’s how you use it . . . .

Schedule a time on your calender to regularly pull out your Nice Notes File and review it.  This is a time to reflect on all that is special about you.  Take in all the positive things that are true about you.