When my partner died, people said some really lovely things (like “. . . Kathy was the kindest person I ever knew) while others said really stupid things (like “. . . at least you don’t have kids.”) Good intentions aren’t always enough to insure healing words.
Today I was reading Jane E. Brody’s article in the New York Times, From Kind Words, Lessons on Condolences, where she reflected on the kind and not-so-kind expressions of sympathy that she has encountered since her husband’s death.
Here are some of her observations:
Kind Expressions of Sympathy
- Make an effort to show you are concerned.
- Make it clear that their loved one will be remembered.
- Talk about what the deceased was like.
- Talk about what you enjoyed / liked / respected about the deceased and why he will be missed.
- Talk about how the deceased helped you or others.
- Recall what was important to the deceased – people, values, etc.
- Whether face to face, by phone, or in writing make your expressions sympathy personal and not canned.
- Share your personal experiences and memories of the deceased.
- Tell how you and others were positively affected by the deceased.
- Reflect on a “life well lived.”
- Offer to provide daily support by fetching groceries, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.
If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I hope you’ll share below the expressions of sympathy and support that were most helpful to you.
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Tags: Grief and Loss, Healing Words