When my partner died, people said some really lovely things (like “. . . Kathy was the kindest person I ever knew) while others said really stupid things (like “. . . at least you don’t have kids.”)  Good intentions aren’t always enough to insure healing words.

Today I was reading Jane E. Brody’s article in the New York Times, From Kind Words, Lessons on Condolences, where she reflected on the kind and not-so-kind expressions of sympathy that she has encountered since her husband’s death.

Here are some of her observations:

Kind Expressions of Sympathy

• Make an effort to show you are concerned.
• Make it clear that their loved one will be remembered.
• Talk about what the deceased was like.
• Talk about what you enjoyed / liked / respected about the deceased and why he will be missed.
• Talk about how the deceased helped you or others.
• Recall what was important to the deceased – people, values, etc.
• Whether face to face, by phone, or in writing make your expressions sympathy personal and not canned.
• Share your personal experiences  and memories of the deceased.
• Tell how you  and others were positively affected by the deceased.
• Reflect on a “life well lived.”
• Offer to provide daily support by fetching groceries, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.

If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I hope you’ll share below the expressions of sympathy and support that were most helpful to you.

Last week I stumbled across Tamarisk Saunders-Davies’ blog, Two Chairs Counselling.  Tamarisk is a counselor in private practice in London, United Kingdom.  One of her posts, How to Unpack Your Relationship Baggage, is chocked full of useful information.  Take a look at it and let me know how you are doing at unpacking your relationship  baggage.

[And, if you are needing any help from me, call 303-660-4989.]

Patricia Evans provides a terrific list (below) of what the characteristics of verbal abuse are in her terrific book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.  Take a minute to look over this list and see if you recognize these characteristics of verbal abuse in your own relationships.

• Verbal abuse hurts.
• Verbal abuse targets the abilities and nature of the partner.
• Verbal abuse may be overt.
• Verbal abuse may be covert.
• Verbal abuse may be cloaked in sincerity or concern.
• Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
• Verbal abuse is often stealthy.
• Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
• Verbal abuse is the real problem in the relationship (rather than what you are arguing about).
• Verbal abuse carries multiple messages.

Regardless of what you call it or how it appears, verbal abuse is always about power and control.

If you are even thinking about getting a divorce in the state of Colorado, I want you to meet my colleague, Leslie Matthews.  Leslie is an  attorney that specializes in family law and I trust her advice.  Check out her blog to get educated about family law in Colorado.

And, if you need her services, please tell her that I sent you!

The portal of healing and creativity always takes us into the realm of the spirit.”   ~ Angeles Arrien, author of The Nine Muses: The Mythological Path to Creativity

Feeding your creativity is critical to feeding your spirit.  Here are three terrific websites to feed you on your journey.

SARK Journal

The Creative Circle Cafe

Eric Maisel Creativity Central

Do you have a favorite website that feeds your creativity?  If so, I hope you’ll share it with us below!

Jenny B. from Chicago writes . . .

Tamara, can you share some of your listography with us so that we can get an idea of what kind of lists to list?  I think this can be a really cool idea but I’m not sure I fully understand.”

Sure, Jenny!  Thanks for writing.  Here’s a glimpse of some of my lists to list . . . .

• Steppingstones i.e. learning points in my lifetime,
• Places I want to go visit,
• Teachers and mentors I’ve had along the way,
• Life lessons learned,
• Pets I’ve had,
• What I’m grateful for,
• Adventures I would like to have,
• Books I want to read,
• Books I have read,
• Things I miss about my parents,
• Losses,
• Inspiring quotes,
• Classes I want to teach,
• Workshops I want to create,
• Bodies of knowledge that I want to learn more about,
• Skills I want to learn,
• My favorite sounds,
• Favorite recipes,
• Ancestors I want to research,
• Things to do for date night,
• Health goals, and
• Favorite charities.

I keep adding to my list and, when the mood strikes or when my writing runs dry, I pull out my list, pick one and go!

Jenny, I hope you get the idea . . . .  If it’s important to you and it can be put into a list, then I think it’s a perfect addition to your own journaling and your own listography.

I am a fan of listography. There’s a book by this name, The Listography Book. And, there’s a web application by this name.  But what I’m talking about is the use of list-making to document your ideas, to document your journey, and to help you get started (or re-started) with your journaling.

Have I got your attention, yet?  If so, perhaps you would like to get started! Here’s an idea for that first journal entry . . . . How about a list of lists?  Just take the time to brainstorm a list of things that you think might be of use or interest to you down the road . . . . Later on, when you feel like it or whenever you get stuck and don’t know what to journal about, you can return to your listography,your  list of lists, choose one and begin to create it!.

Better yet, share your list with me right here!

Check out this interesting post on the blog, National Post, that talks about a study that shows how being green can boost your self esteem.

After you read it, I hope you will check back in here and let me know how you are greening your self esteem.

Here are some of my favorite books and websites on journaling.

Families Writing
Peter R. Stillman

Harvesting Your Journals: Writing Tools to Enhance Your Growth & Creativity
Rosalie Deer Heart & Alison Strickland

Journey Notes: Writing for Recovery and Growth
Richard Solly and Roseann Lloyd

Keeping Your Personal Journal
George F. Simons

Life’s Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest
Christina Baldwin

Writing the Natural Way: Using Right-Brain Techniques to Release Your Expressive Powers
Gabriele Lusser Rico

Inspired to Journal

LifeJournal for Writers: Writers’ Journal Software

Visual Thesaurus

Do you have other great resources for journaling?  If so, share them with me below.