. . . the pilgrim learns through the telling of his own tale.  ” – Sheldon Kopp

A Better Pair of Eyes

I require each of my clients to keep a journal . . . not for my benefit, but for yours.  And, more often than not, the question arises . . . “Why do I need to keep a journal?”  Grant it, it’s a reasonable enough question.  If you’ve never kept one, I can understand that you might not yet know that keeping a journal can be like  . . . having another pair of eyes . . . helping you to see clearly . . . building your courage one step at a time . . . for your eyes only . . . and only as you are ready. Keeping a journal for your personal growth can be life-altering.

Turning Points

Often we begin a journal (and then return to our journals) at turning points in our lives.  As you are beginning your work with me, I expect our work together to be one of those turning points in your life.  Your journal is a place where you can begin to lay out your private thoughts and begin to explore those sometimes shakey and uncertain neophite steps – those steps that will ultimately take you to where you wish to be.

Carving Out Time for You

By making the commitment to journal, you are guaranteed to be carving out time just for you.  Remember, favorite client, when I talked about the 90 / 10 Law in an earlier post?  90% of my benefit to you . . . and 90% of your personal growth is going to come from the time and effort you spend outside of the time you and I spend together. That means that taking time out of your oh-so-busy-day to think (and write)about your inner  life is critical to creating that life that you desire.

Agent of Change

Every behavioral scientist knows that by simply recording a behavior, that behavior is actually changed.  That means by simply having you record your internal and external experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., you are automatically initiating change – even if you are unaware of it!  Journaling = Change!

On Monday, I’ll post a list of my favorite books and websites related to journaling.  In the meantime, let me know that you’re gathering your journal and favorite writing tools and getting ready to put pen to paper!

Penny Dot from New York City writes in . . .

I’ve been working with my sticky affirmation like you suggested and things are changing . . . . Can you please tell me how to get started journaling?  I’m not sure what to write.  I’ve kept diaries before but they end up being boring and then I quit.   Is there some trick that I don’t know about?”

Hi, Penny!  I’m so glad you wrote!  Yes, there really are some tricks to help your journaling come to life.  Her are five tips to get you started . . . .

1. Your journal is for your eyes only.Where can you keep you journal safely put away?  Don’t leave it out on your bed for roving eyes to see.  If necessary lock it up or password protect it if you are using a computer.
2. Do you prefer paper or a personal computer? I prefer to write on paper but I have clients who sometimes prefer to keep their journals on their computers.
3. If you are opting for a paper journal, take a shopping day to explore the fabulous possibilities for your journal.  Although any notebook might do, it is helpful to really think about what types of paper feel best to you.  Do you like coarse brown paper or fine onion skin paper . . . ?  Do you prefer lines, graph paper,  or blank pages? . . . .  Do you want inspirational sayings or journal prompts or images on the pages of your journal . . . .?  And, what do you want on the cover of your journal?
4. Speaking of your cover for your journal, you may want to decorate it yourself! Personalize it so that it represents YOU!
5. After you choose a notebook, I think your writing tools are really most important.  I find that by choosing very special pens, pencils, markers, and even crayons that are used only for  my journaling, I set the stage for my time with my journal to be very special.

Now gather your journal and writing tools and give yourself give yourself permission to journal just a bit every day.   No expectation about the nature of your writing.  No pressure to write long pros.  Just commit to putting pen / pencil to paper every day and let’s see what happens!

So I’ve given you some time to identify the garbage in your head.  I’ve showed you how to create a sticky affirmation.  And, I’ve asked you to consider how your life might change if you choose to empty some of that garbage that you’ve been carrying around with you.  If you’re still with me in this conversation, then today is the day that I show you how to empty that garbage in your head.

5 Steps to Emptying The Garbage (in Your Head)

Step 1 - Make the commitment to do this for a minimum of 30 consecutive days.  That means that if you miss a day, you need to begin again including making the commitment to do this exercise for a minimum of 30 consecutive days.

Step 2 – In your journal, divide a page in half by drawing a vertical line down the center of the page. The left side of the page is going to be for your sticky affirmation i.e. that positive self talk that you want to become a natural and effortless part of your thinking.  The right side of the page is going to be for all the garbage in your head i.e. the negative self talk that you want to learn from and get rid of.

Step 3 – On the left side of the page, write out your newly crafted sticky affirmation.  (If you don’t know how to create a sticky affirmation, look here.)

Step 4 – On the right side of the page, you are going to list just one complete sentence that reflects the first garbage thought that immediately trails behind that sticky affirmation.

Here’s an example of what Steps 3 and 4 might look like . . . .

(Affirmation on left side of page)
I feel love and gratitude for my body just as it is.

(Garbage on the right side of the page)
No, I don’t feel love and gratitude for my body.

Step 5 – Continue to repeat Steps 3 and 4 until you can write your sticky affirmation without any garbage thought coming up in your mind. Always remember to write out your full sticky affirmation (again) each time.

Here is what’s going on while you are doing this exercise.    Remember, your affirmation is that thought that you are wanting your brain to get use to and adopt. You are retraining your brain and creating new and stronger neural pathways through writing and repetition.

By writing out your garbage thoughts, you are literally exhausting your brain and dumping onto paper all of the negative thoughts that get in the way of you believing your sticky affirmation.

It’s important that you do this exercise all in one sitting rather than spreading it out over the course of a day.  In the beginning, your writing is likely to be lengthy and the garbage will be ugly.   However, over the course of 30 consecutive days, it is also likely that you will begin to notice that there is less garbage and that the garbage you become aware of will be less stinky; consequently, the quantity of writing and the length of time it takes to empty your garbage will shorten as well.

Remember . . . it’s 30 consecutive days of emptying all the garbage in response to one sticky affirmation . . . .  That’s how it works.  Are you ready to make the commitment ? Let me know how it goes!  I’ll be happy to support you on your journey!

If you remember the TV show, Saturday Night Live, then you probably remember the segment of the show, Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley. Stuart was played by actor  Al Franken and was best know for his affirmation “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

The show was a hoot . . . especially for those of us that are familiar with 12 Step Programs and the use of affirmations.  However, it’s portrayal of affirmations did little to perpetuate the effective use of affirmations to change your thinking.

Research shows that if you can work with a well-crafted affirmation for 30 consecutive days, your thinking actually begins to change.  Are you willing to give it a try?  Before you say “yes,” take some time to think about what is likely to change if you get rid of that one garbage thought and replace it with that one sticky affirmation . . . .What really changes for you and how will your life be different?”

If you’ve been reading my recent posts, it’s likely that you’ve been collecting the garbage (in your head) and creating your own sticky affirmation. On Thursday, I’ll show you how to put that little chunk of supportive self talk to work . . . .

Now that I’ve told you about my Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters file, I’ve started to notice other folks’ similar efforts!  Here’s Therese J. Borchard’s Video: My Self Esteem File.

Take a look at this if you are interested in starting your own collection of positive words about you.  Then drop me a note below to tell me how your file is working for you.

Have you tried to work with affirmations in the past?

Have your affirmations been boring and forgettable?

Have your affirmations been too long and clunky to remember?

If your affirmation is sticky, it will be easy to remember. And, that’s important because you will need to work with it on a daily basis.  Here are some tips to help you create a sticky affirmation.

• On Monday, I asked you to take the time to do a brain dump of all the garbage in your head i.e. the negative self talk that you engage in. If you haven’t already done that, then do it now.  Make a list of all the garbage in your head that holds you back from being the woman / man you want to be.
• Pick just one harmful sentence i.e. just one piece of garbage at a time to work on.  By focusing your work on just one affirmation, you will heighten your awareness of this issue and reinforce your intention to change your self talk to something more desirable.  Once you decide which sliver of negative self talk that you want to change first, you are ready to create your sticky affirmation!
• Affirmations need to be personal. By using “I statements” to begin your affirmation, you are guaranteed to focus on you.  Instead of saying “Everything is going to be OK,” say “I have peace and calm surrounding me right now.”
• Action words are what keep an affirmation interesting. And, keeping them interesting and lively is one of the things that keeps them sticky and memorable!  Instead of saying “I look for choices,” say “I see and embrace the possibilities.”
• State your affirmation as if it is true right now. By stating your affirmation in the present tense, you are focusing your intention and increasing the power behind your words.  Never use past or future focused statements. Avoid using words like “can,” “will,” “should,” and “could.”   Instead of saying, “I will have financial security in my life,” say “I have all that I need right now.”
• Keep it positive. Instead of saying “I don’t deserve  to be talked to in a rude manner,” say “I deserve respect and love in my life.”
• An affirmation should be just one short sentence. It will be easier to remember, easier to write, and easier to recite.

A sticky affirmation is easy to remember, easy to hang on to, and most important of all, a sticky affirmation can change your life!

If you are currently working with an affirmation that you have created, why not leave a comment below to let us know what it is and how this post fits with your experience.

On Monday, I’ll be showing you how to use your newly crafted (or revised) sticky affirmation.

I was surfing on the web this morning when I ran across the words to Lindsay Lohan’s song, I Decide.  They say exactly how you’ll be feeling when you start to take control of your self confidence and your life.

Take a moment to read through the lyrics below.  If they aren’t sounding like they are your words, then it’s time to start gathering and emptying out the garbage!

I Decide by Lindsay Lohan

Don’t think that you can tell me what to think
I’m the one who knows what’s good for me
And I’m stating my independence
Gonna take the road I’m gonna take
And I’m gonna make my own mistakes
It’s my life
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
What I need
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

Don’t think you’re ever gonna hold me down
Couldn’t do it then can’t do it now
I’m kickin’ down all the fences
I’m gonna do it all and do too much
And if I mess the whole thing up
It’s my ride
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

I’m taking my own chances
And I’m finding my own answers
I’m only answering to me
And that’s the way it’s gonna be
I decide
Oh yeah
I decide
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep
Who I know
I’m the one who’s runnin’ my life
I decide
I decide

I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide

Check back in on Monday and I’ll show you how to start replacing your negative self talk with more useful stories about who you really are and who you can be.

Here are some of my favorite resources to help you strengthen your boundaries.

Broken Toys Broken Dreams: Understanding & Healing Boundaries, Codependence, Compulsion & Relationships
Terry Kellogg

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Melody Beattie

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life
Patricia Love

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
Pia Mellody

Healing the Shame that Binds You
John Bradshaw

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners – Understanding Covert Incest
Ken Adams, Ph.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
Patricia Evans

The Serenity Channel

The Stalking Resource Center

Verbal Abuse

If you are aware of other books, websites, or dvd’s that have helped you or your clients to strengthen their boundaries, I hope you’ll add them below.