Do you have mean-spirited, nasty self-talk going on in your head?  You know the stuff I’m talking about . . . .

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m a big idiot . . . pitiful loser . . . total joke.”

“I’m unlovable, unteachable, etc.”

“I don’t deserve to have money or joy or love.”

“I’m too fat . . . too slow . . . too lazy.”

Am I inside your head yet?  If so, then there’s a lot of garbage that doesn’t belong in there.  If you’ll take some time this week to gather up the garbage by making a list of all the ugly and not-so-useful things that you say to yourself, I’ll show you how to use it to start to feel better about yourself and boost your self esteem.

Check back in and I “ll showed you how to create a very special type of self talk to start to replace the garbage in your head!

Do you ever find yourself all wound up?  Too excited, too emotional, or feeling overwhelmed?

Here are 8 ways to calm yourself down and regain stable ground.

1. Listen. Listen to beautiful, calming, relaxing music.  Listen to the rhythm of the ocean’s waves.  Listen to your own breathing.    Listen to a babbling brook.  Listen to the ticking of a clock.  Let the sounds pass into your awareness . . . and let them pass out of your awareness . . . coming in . . . and flowing out.
2. Breathe in and soften your belly. Breathe out and let your tension go.  Follow your breath in . . . noticing as it goes in your nose . . . filling up your lungs . . . filling up you whole being . . . softening your belly . . . letting the hardness, the holding go.
3. Ask yourself, “How old do I feel?” Pinpoint the age that you first felt this feeling. Then remind yourself that you are not a child . . . . You are 37 years old and that you can handle this situation.
4. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Remind yourself that you are not inherently bad . . . you are not a bad person . . . and that you get to make mistakes.
5. Take a walk. Take a long walk in a beautiful place . . . in your garden . . . in a park . . . along a river.  Focus on the beauty that you are seeing.  Notice the colors . . . the shapes . . . the textures of all that you are passing.
6. Develop a practice of meditation. This is not a “quick fix.” In order for meditation to be self-soothing, you need to develop the practice before you need it as a tool for steadying yourself.  (If you are interested in learning how to meditate here in Colorado, I recommend that you contact my colleague, Leslie Vogt, for small-group or 1:1 training.)
7. Use positive and nurturing self-talk. Remind yourself that you are a good person . . . a kind person . . . and that you deserve to have peace and good things in your life.
8. Write in your journal. Put your thoughts and feelings in writing.  Use your journal as a private place to “dump” your experiences and explore the meaning of your life.

What is it that you are using to calm yourself down?  Do you have other tips to share?

Two decades ago, I started keeping a file of Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters. If you struggle with low self esteem, this can be a fun way to start recognizing and boosting your own self worth.

Not familiar with this type of file?  I wasn’t either until someone introduced the idea to me.  Over time, my Nice Notes File has morphed into different containers . . . a Word document on my computer . . . a manila file folder in my file cabinet . . . a cloth-covered box . . . a metal lock box . . . clear vinyl sheets in a three ring notebook . . . and, now, back to a prettier expanding file folder.

The container might be important. (I have found that if it’s pretty and really attractive,  I do refer to it more often.)  However, it’s what’s inside that is most important.  Here’s are some suggestions about what to put in yours . . . .

• Nice notes from past clients, friends and colleagues – anything positive that clients have written to you about you,
• Affirmations that help you to focus on your positive traits and characteristics,
• A list of your strengths, gifts, and natural abilities,
• Thank you notes that you have received,
• Kind and supportive words that  have been said to or about you,
• Evaluations from employers and students (the good stuff only!),
• Accomplishments – both personal and professional,
• Ways you have made a positive difference in other people’s lives,
• Holiday and greeting cards,
• Teacher’s comments, report cards and evaluations (remember, just the good stuff!),
• Audio / visual / print media and press releases pertaining to you,
• Complimentary things that were said to you (Write them down on receipts at restaurants, napkins in the car, and little scraps of paper- anything just to remember them!),
• Resume / vita, and
• Love letters from current / past partners.

Now that you’ve got an idea about what to put in your Nice Notes, Affirmations, and Love Letters File, here’s how you use it . . . .

Schedule a time on your calender to regularly pull out your Nice Notes File and review it.  This is a time to reflect on all that is special about you.  Take in all the positive things that are true about you.

I am a huge fan of Brian Andreas’ artwork.  I was looking over his website yesterday when I ran across this little one line story . . . .

Everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.”

I love that! And, it made me wonder . . . . What is your story for today?

I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but . . . counselors have favorite clients.  I have favorite clients.  The truth is that you are one of my fabulous and favorite clients if you are:

• Resilient i.e. my client who keeps getting back up when you are knocked down;
• Interested in new ideas and open to new ways of seeing;
• Courageous – and by that I mean you are ready to face your fears;
• Willing to experiment with your life, try new things, and take new risks;
• Able and willing to adapt the things we talk about to make them fit for you and your situation (rather than simply dismiss what you hear);
• Involved in projects and work that benefits others;
• Value-oriented and recognize that your relationships with others and with me are valuable;
• Naturally collaborative i.e. you contribute to and focus on your opportunities and successes;
• Bright, full of light, and are easily excited about the possibilities for your life;
• Positive and naturally optimistic;
• Really clear and understand the 90 / 10 law.  (90% of my value to you will be outside of the time we spend together.)  You try the strategies that we discuss, you change them to suit your particular situations, and you report your feedback to me so that we can continue to tweak our work together;
• Enthusiastically telling other people that you know about my services and our work together.

If you aren’t my client right now but you found yourself on this list, feel free to call me when you need a counselor.  New fabulous and favorite clients are always welcome!

People come to therapy for lots of different reasons.  If you are considering working with me as your therapist, it’s likely that you fall into one of these categories:

• Perhaps you are a seeker . . . always looking for ways to stretch and grow . . . fine-tuning who you are along the way;
• You might be ready for a jump start for your creativity and intuition;
• You may be trying to untangle yourself from a really difficult situation or relationship;
• Life may be just a bit more complicated than you need it to be right now;
• Maybe you’re sick and tired of your life story;
• Perhaps, you are wanting someone to hold you accountable for the changes you are ready to make;
• Or, maybe you’re ready to create and live a new and brighter life story.

Regardless of your circumstances, if you are looking for someone to support you on your journey . . . and if you think I might be able to help, I hope you’ll call me.  We can talk a bit to see if we are a “good fit.”  If not, I’ll be happy to try to help you find someone other than me to accompany you on your way.